Alpha Male Chapter Fifteen - Darkness by LoganLuvr
Logan was leaning against a wall in the pitch-black darkness of his mind, cursing the day he was born. Sitting, because he was exhausted...weak and nauseated. Every cell in his body was nauseated. When he stood, it seemed the dizziness would overwhelm him.... and the pain. Pain oozed through every fiber of his being. What the Hell was wrong with him? Oh, yeah... he was sick. He laughed. He'd been injured severely, many times, beat, cut, shot... you name it... but to be taken down by a stinkin' virus! Somethin' too small to even SEE? Shit. What a weenie.
The only thing that was even makin' any of this half-way bearable was " her ". After much thought, he had decided to call it "her", because he could tell it was female... he could feel the sensual, feminine magnetism of it... of "her"....drawin' him here... keepin' his interest. He was way too out of it to know who it was or how the Hell she was messin' inside his head, but it was just comforting to have her there... whoever she was. Shit, I hope it's not somebody I hate, he thought suddenly, grimacing. If it is, I'm 'gonna kill 'er for doin' this to my head... once I wake the Hell up!
That was another thing he couldn't figure out. He had tried and tried to open his eyes, but they felt like lead... no, adamantium, ... no, wait, adamantium's light, ... isn't it... no, maybe ... am I light or heavy?. He chuckled, hey, that's kinda' funny. Shit, now I'm gettin' punchy.
He'd been sittin' there, half in, half out of it for what seemed like a very long time. Sometimes he didn't even remember how he got there, or what was happening, but the pain always brought him sharply back to reality. Well, this particular version of reality anyway.
He had a vague memory of seeing Jean earlier... seemed like he was mad at her... but he couldn't get any further than that, so he kept dismissing it as it came around. It kept comin' around... everything was goin' around. He chuckled again. It was like this huge merry-go-round, all the thoughts, the feelings, memories ... and it was makin' him sick, sick as a dog.... as a dog... a dog.... now why would THAT thought catch his interest? He buried his head in his hands. God! This must be what normal people feel like when they've got a hangover. He'd heard a lot of stories... 'course, liquor never got to him that bad.
Thoughts and feelings... goin' around... he'd catch a phrase here, a word there... feelings would come to him , seemingly out of nowhere .... and they helped, they made him stronger. Comfort, Be Strong, Fight, I'm here with you... it had been "her" keepin' him goin' ... takin' his mind off of the pain, not allowing him to get lost in it.
.... and then, suddenly, with no warning, "she" was gone. The change was almost overwhelming. The pain and nausea increased ... doubled. He lifted his head and looked around him, bleakly. "Hey!... Where are ya'?," he called out, hoarsely... to the darkness. ... Nothing. He had a feeling that this had happened once before. He seemed to remember calling out for "her", and waking himself up... was that when he saw Jean? Or had he even really seen Jean? Aw, who cares? All Logan knew was that he needed to wake up and find her, NOW. He opened his eyes.
He was in the same place, looking out at nothing but darkness. He tried again... darkness....again... nothing. Panic started rising in his chest. He reached back, and felt for the wall that was behind him... he knew there was a wall there, he'd been leaning against it for hours. He moved his hand up the wall, and held onto it for support, as he attempted to stand. His head swam with nausea,but he gritted his teeth together and stood, leaning all of his weight against the wall. " Hey! " he yelled, as loudly as he could. His voice spun around in the blackness, echoing off the invisible walls and returning to him time and time again. No one answered. He was definitely alone.
Logan leaned against the wall for a long time, contemplating his next move. Since "she" had left, he had naturally become more and more pessimistic by the minute. His thoughts, emotions... everything had turned characteristically negative... and he was MAD. He cursed her for leaving, and at the same time he still felt this incredible, uncontrollable need to find her. If he was going to find her, he reasoned, he was going to have to look in here, because his eyes didn't seem to be workin'. Shit! He felt along the wall, spreading his hands wide, arms outstretched. The dark room of his mind seemed to be curved... yes, it was definitely a spherical shape, and he was at one edge of it. He tried to picture it in his mind... he chuckled... wait, I'm in my mind... how can I picture somethin' in it, when I'm in it.... yeah, this whole thing was way out there... and it made him mad!
He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and struggling to fight the nausea that sought to overwhelm him. Focus Logan. Let's just say, that your mind is in your head... then this would be the inside of your skull, which would explain the spherical shape of it... but your mind could also be your soul... where's that located?... in your body? Hell... I might not even BE in my body. Hell, I might already be dead... maybe this is what it's like to be dead. Damn! Pitch black, nowhere to go, no one to be with... Mmm.... not much different from the rest of my miserable existence. He chuckled... Hey, he had a thought..... Maybe this WAS Hell..... Claustrophobia caught his heart, wrenching it into a tight ball. SNIKT! " Well if it is.... I'm not stayin' cause I already been here longer'n I want to!!" he yelled." I aim ta' get the Hell outa' here! " He showed his claws to his unseen enemy. The darkness.
The adrenaline rush from the fear rising within him gave him enough strength to stand on his own. He thought hard. He had always been able to get himself out of a shitty situation before... well, almost always... why not now? He reasoned that if he had been able to wake himself up before, if he WAS in his head... he was probably very close to the front of his mind. There should be a lot more going on in here... unless he was just as empty-headed as a lot of people thought he was. He snorted, then shook his head roughly, and cracked his neck. Dizziness flooded his head again, he caught himself from almost falling. Focus, Logan. You can do this. If this was the front, there had to be a back. Maybe he could get out somewhere else. He took a tenuous step forward. The nausea was bad, but he was still standing, albeit somewhat bent over. The wall was directly behind him, so he decided to walk straight ahead. The more he walked, the easier it became... he decided that was probably because he wasn't focusing on it. At least this little walk was accomplishing something.
Presently a small grey glow of light appeared, far ahead of him. His pace quickened, and the light grew. Anything was better than that black shit-hole behind him. He clutched one arm to his stomach and started running, staggering toward the light.
As he neared, the nausea returned full force again. He was coming to a room, but the picture was askew, colors and lights swirling, never stopping... churning before his eyes. He blinked, and struggled to focus, holding his stomach and grimacing from the nausea that engulfed him. Eventually, he was able to focus enough to see a girl, ...no, a beautiful woman sitting on a couch, by a fire. She had grey and brown hair, beautiful lips, and when she looked up at him, he could've sworn her eyes were yellow. She looked vaguely familiar, and everything in him wanted to go to her, but she sighed sadly, held her hand up toward him and said, softly... " Goodbye, Logan. " It was her! The one he was looking for. She put her hand to her lips, and kissed her fingers, slowly and then held them out to him... the picture faded. Logan ran toward her, one arm outstretched, " NO!" he screamed, hoarsely. " I need you...." his words trailed off. The room was gone.... there was only darkness again. Isolation hit him like a blow to the stomach. He groaned and doubled over in pain. Then the panic set in.
He whirled around, sniffing the air, his heart beating wildly. He wasn't sure which direction he had come from, and now there was no wall to guide him. He closed his eyes. Dammit! Calm down, Logan... Focus. He longed for " her " calming, soothing voice. Let's see, when I saw her, I ran toward her... this way. He pointed in front of himself. He started walking slowly backward, trying to remember how many steps he had taken. .. and I turned toward her, about here, and I turned this way... so that would mean, I was standing here. He turned his body in what he thought was the appropriate direction. There. He was pretty sure he was headed away from the front again.... from where he had started... there was nothing back there, he had to move ahead.
He walked for what seemed like a few minutes before he saw another light. He loped toward it this time, not sure he wanted to know what he'd find there. The swirling colors were mostly greens this time, and the familiar nausea accompanied them. He shielded his eyes, as he got closer, blinking against the harsh light of a field of flowers on a sunny day. Jean was there, looking more beautiful than he had ever seen her, dressed in a long white dress. She had tiny white flowers in her hair, and she was laughing, giddy with joy. He was afraid to approach her... he didn't want her to disappear, so he stood back and watched her. Presently, she looked his way and pleasant surprise beamed across her beautiful face. She ran toward him, arms outstretched... " Logan!" She ran into his arms and hugged him tight... he groaned and held onto her for dear life, running his hands through her beautiful soft hair. Her face turned up to his, and she kissed him softly on the mouth, then she pulled away slowly, and spoke... her words came slower and slower, distorted, eventually tapering off to silence. " It's so good to see you. I'm so glad you could make it to the wedding." Scott appeared next to her and took her face in his hands, kissing her the way Logan had always wanted to. As he stepped back away from them in shock, Logan's heart shifted from happiness and hope to sorrow, loss and utter hopelessness... this time the blow hit him so hard that he gasped and reeled from the pain. Then they were gone... the blackness had returned. What the Hell?
He looked up and could already see the next blur of light ahead of him... apparently, they were coming faster the farther in he got. Great! He frowned, sneered and walked toward the light, daring it to do its' worst!
It was Marie. He knew better than to get excited this time... besides, the nausea brought on by the spinning colors, not to mention the two previous hits to his aching stomach had him a little distracted. She was laying on her bed, crying softly. He walked towards her, concerned, not wanting her to hurt. It must have been something that Cajun kid did...he growled softly... as he got closer he noticed that she had something in her hand. She lifted her hand slowly and brought it to her beautiful lips... kissing it softly. Logan closed his eyes in anguish when he saw what she had. It was his dog tags. He stood there cursing himself as he heard her softly say, " Logan... where ARE you? You promised you'd take care of me... you promised..." A tear rolled down his cheek and he braced himself for what he knew was about to happen. The darkness came and with it, a blow that knocked him to his knees and took his breath away.
He knelt there for a long time, shutting his eyes against any more pain. He pressed his arm tightly against his stomach, and grimaced. Think, Logan, you BASTARD! Focus! He wasn't sure how much of this he could take... emotionally or physically. He was also pretty sure that this was only the beginning, and it was ' gonna get a lot worse from here on out. Shit! Okay, Logan... you SHIT!... okay... at least you know one thing... you're headin' in the right direction, ' cause you're goin' back in time... that's good.'' He opened his eyes slowly, and groaned loudly as he stood on shaking legs. The light ahead of him was brighter than the light from Marie's bedroom... he sighed.... not a good thing. Logan took a deep breath and started running toward the light. He decided that if it was 'gonna happen, he was 'gonna take it quick... no more messin' around.
As Logan got nearer, he could hear loud cheering voices... not happy cheering, mind you, but the furious cheering people do when they're egging on a fight. He barely took time to look around him as the spinning colors turned into a cage-fight. A man was being carried away... Logan thought it looked like blood was coming out of every orifice of his body, and then some... and there he stood... his body already healing itself from the minor beating he'd taken. You arrogant Bastard! Logan ran past himself quickly, shaking his head, then tripped and fell face-first as the darkness came and the pain struck. He pulled himself up, cursing the pain, and ran on ... and on... and on.
After a while, the colors didn't disappear as he ran from one scene to the next. It all began to swirl into one huge, never-ending blur of nausea and pain. He ran through scene after scene of his miserable life, always ending up with a blow of pain and an incredibly bad feeling... an emotion. Sometimes it was guilt, sometimes loneliness, self-hatred, fear, more guilt... on and on it went. Isolation was the strongest... he couldn't escape it... it oozed through his body along with the pain that ripped through him as he ran, making him weaker and weaker as he went.
He had just run through the lab, where scientist poked and prodded, causing horrendous pain and terror. Bubbling water and distorted voices echoed through his mind, he closed his eyes an ran on into oblivion. When he could run no more, he slowed to a stop, and stood, sucking ragged breaths into his aching body. He opened his eyes slowly to find himself somewhere strange... different. He sniffed, and looked around quickly. SNIKT!
Something was very wrong. Even in his terribly weakened state, Logan felt the hair raise on the back of his neck. Up 'til now, his sense of smell had not even been remotely involved in this... insanity. Now, he smelled... He frowned, sniffing... Grrrrr.... something wild, musky, dark.... evil. He glanced around. The swirling colors were different now... instead of creating a scene, they floated around aimlessly. Red mostly, with shades of yellow laced throughout... and of course, the deep black background. This wasn't a place... it was .... He walked around slowly, crouched, attempting to face the demon that he could feel, but could not see. " I know you're in here..." he growled softly... What in the Hell WAS that smell? The gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach was reaching the boiling point. Something bad was definitely about to happen... but he had no idea what. The colors rolled and boiled ... growing more intense and angry with evrey moment. They started forming into shapes, swirling and rotating towards him, coming closer and closer. " What the Hell? " He pivoted, looking desperately to all sides, wondering where to strike first. One of the shapes moved closer, and he backed away, watching aghast, as it rolled and turned, changing into a hideous face, a monster with its' mouth open, shrieking in...
" RRRAAAUUGGHHHH!!! " Logan snarled and lunged at the beast, shredding the colors, slicing them into floating bits of air... there was nothing there. Shocked, he spun around as another form materialized behind him, its' face as hideous as the one before it. He had just obliterated that one, the screams of its' death were still echoing in the air when two more appeared. Anger surged from deep within him. He was incredibly weak, and they were coming fast. He took them out simultaneously, and four more began to form in their place. Logan took the first one out and turned to the second. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the one he'd just killed turning into two more. Shit! I'm startin' to see a pattern, here, guys... an' I'm not likin' my odds. Logan considered where he was... and guessed which direction to run... if getting out of this place was even possible. He stood up, as tall and straight as he could, cracked his neck and charged the closest demon, slashing with his claws. Screams filled the air and his anger rose as he took out the next one and moved immediately to the third. They were multiplying almost immediately now, and Logan was taking out his wild rage on anything and everything that moved. The screams were so loud, now, that Logan's ears were hurting from the sound. He raged and tore at the air, slashing and slicing at nothing, at everything... killing them all... suddenly, Logan realized that the sound had changed. Instead of screams, the air was now filled with the gut-wrenching sound of soft, evil laughter. "what the..." Logan put his arms down slowly, frowning, sniffing and looking around, confused. The red and yellow clouds of air dropped shapelessly around him, as the laughter grew louder. SNIKT! Logans' claws retracted as slow realization hit him and melted away any reserves he had left. He knew where he was.... he recognized the smell.
He was inside his worst nightmare. The lab and what they did to him, the pain,... and then later the loneliness, isolation, emptiness, guilt... those things were nothing compared to this. He was deep in his own mind, at the source of his uncontrollable urges, his berzerker rages... his evil thoughts and desires....things that he fought every day he lived.
He was his own worst enemy. The smell was him. He drew in a breath, closed his eyes and ran, roaring ... on and on toward the back of his mind.
He was stopped, dead in his tracks, as he slammed into the wall he'd been trying to reach for so long. He fell to the floor of pitch black nothingness, and kneeled before the wall, feeling it with his hands, like a mime. It was real, it was there. He closed his eyes and concentrated as hard as he could. He knew that he was almost too far gone to wake up... almost dead... but he gave it everything he had left. He took a deep breath, swallowed and opened his eyes.
NNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! He roared into the pitch black nothingness.....
He fell to the floor, drained. He had nothing left. He had completely used himself up. Funny, he chuckled quietly... he'd taken himself out. Nobody had been able to destroy him... but he had destroyed himself. He could feel his body, the weakness, the pain... he knew it wouldn't be long. His only hope was to turn around and go back. Through the suicidal gauntlet that was his mind... No way, Bub... I'd rather die. He lay there for a few minutes in silence, and then he heard a voice... calming, soothing... soft. A woman's voice... he had heard it before. It was so quiet, at first, that he couldn't make out what it was saying. He strained his ears, trying desperately to hear it.
" It's for the best."
" He'll never fit in."
" .....he'll be trapped... condemned to live a life he hates..."
" It's better for him."
" He'll just fall asleep...."
" He'll never be normal." ....
" He'll just fall asleep."
Logan laid there, stretched out on the floor on his aching stomach, his face buried in his hands... listening to the soothing voice.... repeating the words ... over and over....She was exactly right... it made more sense than anything he'd ever heard..... and he was so tired..... so... tired.....
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