Disclaimer: Lena, Caleb, Annie, assorted bar patrons and fastfood clerks are the products of my fevered imagination. Everyone else in the story is property of Marvel. Uncredited song lyrics are from the Golden Palominos.
A few days passed and Lena spent every second of them either in her room or in the company of others. She wouldn't let him have another chance to be alone with her. If it weren't for Annie and Cay Cay, she would have left by now. It wouldn't have made any difference anyway. She'd seen the look in Logan's eyes. He'd go after her wherever she went. Wherever she went, he'd find her.
She cried a lot, alone in her room. Cursed herself for her weakness. Practiced a hundred variations of the speech she had to give Logan. But she couldn't say the words to herself, so how could she tell him? When the mornings came, she shrunk the blood vessels in her eyes and pulled the fluid from the lids. No one could tell she'd spent the night crying silent tears.
Except for Logan. The tears weren't silent enough for him to miss, not since the first night. He'd tried to go to her only to be stopped by the sound of her choked sobs. Every night since, he'd found himself drawn to her door hoping, praying that he would hear a change. Something ugly stood between them; he understood that, finally. She wouldn't tell him, refused to talk to him. Still he knew. Why else would she fight herself so hard? Even now, her body betrayed her, called to him in hundreds of ways and she denied it, pushed it down.
If only he could get her to trust him again. If he could calm himself down enough to talk to her, to apologize, maybe she would open up. But he couldn't. Her desires woke the beast in him and the closer he got to her, the worse it was. All the traps and snares he'd set in his mind to control that part of himself failed in her presence. Only her tears stopped it. He wouldn't hurt her anymore than she was already hurting. For that, he could fight the beast and win. He kept his distance and prayed for a change. Finally there was one, but not what he expected. She'd come to her blood and the change hit him like a bucket of cold water. The disturbing notes of her scent muted and for the first time since the night in the computer lab, the beast laid down into a fitful sleep. He would be able to talk to her in the morning. He'd be able to come to her as a man and try to rebuild what had been broken.
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She was in his office when he came in that morning.
"Good Morning, Lena. Are you alright?" He asked her. She was white as a sheet and distracted.
"No Henry, I'm not. Is this room soundproof?" "Are you afraid someone might try to listen?"
"I don't want him to"
"You mean Lo-"
"Shush! Don't say his name! Ya might as well call him on the intercom if yer gonna do that!"
"Right. Yes Lena as long as the door's shut, the room is soundproof."
She got up and shut the door. Once she had settled back into the chair, she took a moment before continuing the conversation. Finally, she began in a small voice, "Henry, when I first got here and you examined me did I have was my reproductive system intact?"
He cocked his head slowly to one side. Confusion crinkled his expression. "Well yes, Lena. Did you mean to say are you missing something?"
Her head went into her hands and she slowly rubbed at her face and temples. She steepled her fingers in front of her face. "They told me they lied to me. In the Program, all of the techs were neutered. They told me that I was too. I n-n-never even looked. I didn't want to see what they had done. All this time, I I've thought that I was broken th-th-that I couldn't everand then last night I was bleeding and I d-d-didn't know why and I had to look and it wasan' I was" She trailed off into shuddering sniffles as she looked disconsolately at her hands.
"My God, Lena, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I should have gone over your results with you when I examined you. I just never thought about anything like this, that they would I'm so sorry." He stopped when he saw her lift up her hand.
She shook her head from side to side and admonished him, "No, Henry, don't. Let's not get confused about who the bad guys are, okay? I'm not mad at you. You've been great. There wasn't any way you could have known."
He nodded his understanding. She took a tissue from the box on his desk and tried to compose herself.
"Henry?"
"Yes, Lena?"
It took her a few attempts to get it out. She'd open her mouth, draw in a breath to begin and then simply stop. Finally, she spoke. "When I asked you about those anxiety attacks a while back, you made a joke about me maybe being interested in someone. Is thatwas that because that's what attraction feels like? Does it make you feel like you're nervous?"
"Lena, do you mean to say that you don't know?"
She closed her eyes and pursed her lips. Her jaw ratcheted even more tightly shut. "We were teenagers. Before they sealed us all up in our boxes, we used to sleep in co-ed dorms. Apparently, no one ever thought about how bad an idea that was. Some of the techs were caught well it's the age when people experiment. They just never really thought of us as people. Doctor Kovacs thought it was disgusting. He decided it wasn't enough just to prevent us from pregnancy; he didn't want us touching each other. He thought those kinds of emotions would mess up our control. They called it Operation Saltpeter. I guess it was built into the network. I guess it went away with the surgery. I just I guess I just didn't realize it."
Henry took a moment and tried to reign in his feelings. He pulled his glasses off and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "If it's okay with you, I'd like to get you in for a full pelvic exam. Just to make sure that everything is healthy."
She looked even more uncomfortable.
"You know, Lena, I have an associate, a doctor and a mutant as well but most importantly, she's a woman. Would you feel more comfortable if she gave you the exam?"
"Oh yes. Could you do that for me?" She gave him a grateful smile.
"Certainly, why don't I have her come in late next week?"
"Thank you, Henry."
"You're welcome. And Lena?"
"Yes?"
He paused and looked down at his hands for a moment before going on. "It can feel like nervousness. If you're attracted to someone, I mean. It could feel like an anxiety attack."
"Does it make you feel like you're gonna die?"
"Sometimes." He closed his eyes and nodded. "It can feel like that."
She left his office, her head spinning. She didn't even notice Logan skulking behind the corner.
"I wanna know what's going on with her, McCoy, and I wanna know right now!" His face was inches away from the doctor's as he leaned over the desk. He had heard all of the conversation up to the point when she had closed the door and now he was crazy with worry.
"Logan, you know I can't talk"
Logan held up a hand, "save that doctor-patient confidentiality crap fer somebody who cares. Is she sick?"
Henry got out of his chair and rose up to his full height. "You may think it's crap but I am not about to jeopardize Lena's trust. Do you have any idea how hard it's been to get her to open up to me? Everything here," he gestured around the examining room, "everything I do reminds her of that twisted son of a bitch who kept her wired in a box for three solid years. I know you're upset Logan, so I'm going to let this pass but don't, for one instant, ever think I'm going to breach the trust of any of my patients."
"She won't talk to me, Henry." Logan closed his eyes and drew a ragged breath inward. "I don't know what to do."
He had never seen Logan look like this before. He looked defeated. "Give her some space, Logan. There are things she needs to sort out. If you push her, she'll probably run. That's what she's done most of her life. That's what she knows. When she's ready to talk about this, I'm sure you'll be one of the first people she'll go to."
Logan finally relented and slumped out of the office, shoulders bent. Henry shut the door behind him so that he could call Cecilia and ask for a favor. He also debated calling down to Avenger's HQ and checking on his old room. He had a sinking feeling that he hadn't see the last of this brouhaha between Lena and Logan. He was fairly certain that he didn't want to find himself in the middle of it.
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"Logan, can I talk to jou?"
Logan paused for a moment in front of the heavy bag but he didn't face the boy. He held a hand to the bag to steady its swing. "If this is about me an' yer sister, Caleb."
"Of course it's about jou and my sister."
"Then it's not any o' yer business. That's between her an' me."
"Yeah except that she won't talk to you and she's using Annie and me as human shields."
"Look Caleb, I'm givin' her as much space as I can. Okay?"
"What makes you think I want you to give her space?"
"You didn't come down here to tell me to back off?"
"Not really no. I came down here to talk to you about it so I could help you."
"What?"
"Look I don't got nothing against you, Jefe. Truth is I think Lena likes you a lot more than she wants to admit. I don't know why she's fighting it; I think she'd be happier if she didn't."
Logan turned around and looked into Caleb's eyes. Caleb met his gaze without so much as a flinch. The kid wasn't lying. "Why are you doing this?"
"Told you. I want Lanie to be happy. Is that so hard to understand?"
"No," Logan shook his head, "no, it's not. So what did you want to say?"
"You can't think of Lena as a woman."
"Wait. I thought you just said?"
"Let me explain. You think Lena is this woman who's been sick and now she's better and back to being normal. Well, I've been with Lanie for five years and in all that time, she's never been normal. At least, not when it comes to guys. Five years, Logan, and she's never so much as been on a date. She never talks about anyone in her past either. I don't think there's ever been anyone for her."
"Maybe she just didn't feel like talking about that stuff with you."
"Logan, I lived in the same apartment with her that whole time. She's sneaky but she's not that good. Look I'm trying to tell you this so that you'll understand that you can't treat her like someone who knows the score 'cause I don't think she does."
"So how should I treat her?"
"Kid gloves. Give her a few more days to settle down and then talk to her. Just don't try to jump right to the hot and heavy stuff. I don't think she knows how to handle that."
"And how am I supposed to get her alone to have this conversation?"
"Sometimes when she can't sleep, she sits out on her balcony. I noticed jou're pretty spry for an old guy. Wouldn't be so hard for you to get up there."
"Thanks, Caleb."
"Don't mention it. I mean that, not to anybody. If she asks, jou never heard a thing from me. Okay?"
"Got it." Logan resumed his workout as Caleb left the gym.
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"Alright, Lena, you can sit up now." Cecilia Reyes peeled off her examination gloves and packed up the smear kit. "Hope that wasn't too god awful, Hank tells me it's your first exam."
"Yeah well, I didn't much see the need before." Lena tried to cover more of herself with the paper gown.
"The hormonal fluctuations you described may go away on their own or you may want to think about going on the pill."
"Well uh. . . I don't know if I'm really ever going to be you know. . . needing that."
"Whether or not you decide to be sexually active, the pills can still help to regulate the hormone levels. I suppose with your powers, you can tweak the levels yourself but you'd have to keep an eye on it all the time. Pills might be easier."
Lena looked at the doctor. "Well, it would be nice not to feel like I'm on a roller coaster all the time. Will they" Lena paused while nervously smoothing the paper gown. "Will they keep me from getting too excited you know with guys?"
"I wish. No, I'm afraid the only way to stop getting too excited about guys is to date a few. Then you'll realize there isn't much to get excited about." When the joke didn't get the expected rise out of Lena, Cecilia went on, "Tell you what. I have some sample packs; why don't you try them for a few months and see how they work for you?"
"Okay."
"Great," Cecilia handed her a few packs of pills. "I should have the results from the Pap smear back in a day or two. I'll let you know how that goes. You can go ahead and get dressed now." The doctor ducked out of the examination room and Lena got back into her clothes and left.
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