Disclaimer: Lena, Caleb, Annie, assorted bar patrons and fastfood clerks are the products of my fevered imagination. Everyone else in the story is property of Marvel. Uncredited song lyrics are from the Golden Palominos.
Lena fidgeted in her chair as Henry and the Professor calibrated the equipment. Scott looked on, waiting for the demonstration to begin. He noticed Lena tapping her foot and shaking her hands. Finally he figured out what she was doing.
"Lena, are you just tapping out a random beat or is that a specific song?"
"It's Tumble in the Rough by Stone Temple Pilots." She replied, impressed that he had noticed. "I'm working my way through all of Tiny Music."
"Afraid I'm not familiar with it."
"Oh, well. I'm just passin' the time while we wait."
He noticed with some surprise that her hands and foot had never faltered during the entire exchange. She wasn't just tapping out the beat; she was playing all of the drum parts. Unless he missed his guess, the song must have gone to a part that required cymbals.
"Okay. I think we're ready." Henry backed away from the bank of monitors for a moment and looked at the assembled group. "Lena, why don't you talk a little bit about the music."
"Well all right, I think it was one of their most innovative albums. Songs like Lady Picture Show and Big Bang Baby were real departures from their previous material." Her attempt at a joke fell flat. She looked at the group and mumbled under her breath, "tough room."
"I meant how you use music with your power, Lena"
"Yeah, I know, Henry. I was just tryin' to lighten the mood a bit. Right, music, music has rhythm; rhythm is timing. If I follow a song in my head, I can use it to determine when a process should be initiated based on the interval of the rhythm. Humans and computers are both very complex. I have to keep my eye on a lot of different things and music just helps me do that."
"How many processes can you watch over concurrently?" Henry asked.
"If I have a beat, somewhere between twenty-five and thirty. Without a beat, maybe ten."
"Could you follow something as simple as a metronome then?" The Professor asked her.
"Yeah, but I'd get really bored. I prefer music."
"Yeah, you seem to be listening to it all the time."
"Well I like music, Scott."
"Yes, but at 3:00 in the morning, not everybody shares your enthusiasm."
"I am sorry about that. I didn't realize that there were bedrooms in that wing. It won't happen again." Lena wondered how many times she would have to apologize for that little slip before he let it go.
Henry sensed the tension in the room. "Right, why don't we go onto the demo. Lena, let's start by having you do a reading. Do you feel up to that?"
"Sure, ya want me to do you?"
"That would be fine." He extended his hand to her.
Lena took Henry's hand and began rattling off his vital statistics. Professor Xavier followed along on the monitors and verified the accuracy of Lena's numbers. Then she described his mutation. She got everything right, even guessing that Henry's blue fur and fangs had not been part of his original mutation.
"Most impressive, Miss Jones."
"Thank you, Professor."
Just then there was a commotion in the infirmary. Henry went to see what was going on. He ducked his head back in the lab shortly after that and addressed the group; "it looks like we're in luck. We have an opportunity to see Lena in real action. If you'd all join me in the infirmary. Lena, we have a compound fracture to deal with."
"Does this mean I have to keep the party hat on?" she asked, raising her eyes to look critically at the nest of wires and leads attached to her head.
"If you wouldn't mind. The signal will carry back to the monitors as long as we keep the doors open."
"God bless Shi'ar technology." she mumbled, but no one was listening to her.
Lena was surprised to find out who her patient was. "Jubilee, honey, what did you do to yerself?"
"I had help." Jubilee glared at Bobby Drake.
"Aw jeeze, Jubie, I said I was sorry. I told you it would be slippery."
"You know," Lena held up her hands, "I'm sorry I asked. Let's just take care of it, shall we?"
"Fine by me, it hurts like a bitch. Oops, sorry, Scott. I didn't mean to say that out loud."
Lena examined Jubilee's leg. Henry had already cut off the lower leg of her pants and anyone who wanted to look could see the bone protruding from the skin. There was a lot of blood. First, Lena deadened the pain centers and then she stopped the blood flow. "Okay, Henry. Can you do the honors here and yank her leg back into position?"
"Can't you move it with your power?" Scott asked.
"While you what sing 'High Hopes'? Just because I can move things at the cellular level doesn't mean I want to do everything at that level. We'd still be here tomorrow. Henry?"
"I'm here."
"Okay," she grabbed his arm and projected an image to his visual cortex, "this, for all intents and purposes, is an x-ray. Can you see it?"
"Yes I can, fascinating."
"Great, let 'er rip."
"Hey!"
"Sorry Jubilee. I didn't mean that literally. You're just gonna feel a tug, okay?"
"Okay. I'm ready." She braced her arms on the side of the gurney.
A short while later, Jubilee was nearly good as new. The bone was knitting together at an accelerated rate and the exit wound was completely healed. While Jubilee rested in the infirmary, Lena and the rest of the group went back to the lab. Lena pulled the leads off of her head and scratched her fingers through her hair. Charles and Henry studied the monitor printouts. When they were done, Henry bundled up the printouts and handed them to Lena.
"There you go, Lena. There's an incinerator down the hallway if you want to use it."
"Thanks, Henry."
"Wait a minute," Scott piped up, "Why does she need an incinerator?"
"I'm going to burn my readouts."
"Shouldn't those go in your file?"
"I don't have a file, Scott. I destroy all of my records."
"What was the point of recording them in the first place then?"
"So that Charles and Henry could take a look at them." She couldn't keep the sarcastic tone from her voice as she went on, "They just did that and now they're done and now I'm going to go burn them."
"We're supposed to be keeping medical records on everyone here."
"Well you don't. You don't have records on me or Caleb or Annie. That's the deal I made with Henry."
"I told her it would be okay, Scott. I don't have a problem with it." Henry came to Lena's defense.
"Well I do. You mean to tell me that we have no record of any of their powers?"
"No but both Charles and I have seen them demonstrated. They've all been thoroughly examined."
"Why does it make a difference to you, Scott?"
"Because I'm team leader, Lena, and I use those records too. You don't think I'd go out on a mission without knowing my team's strengths and weaknesses, do you?"
"Okay, wait, back up." Lena paused for a moment, furrowed her brow skeptically and went on, "Caleb and Annie are way too young to go on missions. You don't honestly think that I'm planning on going on any missions, do you?"
"Why wouldn't you?"
"Why wouldn't I? Scotty, can you see out of that thing? I'm the tiny woman down here. I'm all of five feet tall. If I ever crack a hundred pounds, that man," Lena jerked her thumb towards Hank, "is going to buy me a beer. Exactly what use do you think I'm gonna be in a fight?"
"You have powers just like everyone else here."
"No. No I don't, not by a longshot. What do you think I'm gonna do, sneak up behind people and touch 'em to death?"
"I'm trying to be serious here."
"Well so am I, my powers are useless unless I'm in skin contact. I can defend myself in a fight against a regular opponent but I'm no match against most of what you deal with."
"There are other types of missions, Lena. You said that you had some experience with stealth work."
"Yes, I guess if that came up and Logan and Remy were busy, then I could take that on."
Scott shrugged and opened his hands out towards her. "So then I'd need to know what you can do."
"Then ask me. You don't need to have my records on file for that. Look, Scott, I'm here and I've brought my brother and sister with me. I believe in what you're doing and I'm glad to have this protection. I'm not looking for a hand out. I'd like to help as much as possible. That's why I'm working in the infirmary. I'd look at your security system if you'd let me. That's where I'm most useful, not on a battleground. I'm just not a soldier, Scott."
"Lena, we've discussed the security system already."
She threw her hands up in disgust. "Ya know what? I'm too tired to have that argument again. I'm gonna get some air." With that, she stormed out of the lab.
---------------------------------
For a long time, she just looked at the reflection of the flat, steel gray sky in the lake. In her mind, she imagined the things she wanted to say to Scott. Every statement started with, 'Look, asshole' and went downhill from there. What part of being willing to sit there, looking ridiculous while they poked and prodded her didn't qualify as making an effort? What, in the name of all that was holy, did he expect from her? Would he never trust her until he got a complete run down of her life from birth up to the day that she woke up in med lab? There were things that she would just never be able to tell anyone and Scott refused to understand that.
She briefly toyed with the idea of packing a bag, jumping on her bike and disappearing into the sunset. If it had just been her, that's what she would have done. But it wasn't just her and she knew it. Caleb and Annie had already had enough pain and loss to last them for the rest of their lives; she wasn't about to do anything to add to it.
And then there was Logan. Thinking about him set off a whole new litany of things she wanted to say. Why did he want her? How could he possibly not know that she wasn't couldn't No, she wasn't going to go there. Time would solve it. Time had to solve it.
Then the drops started to fall. Perfect, she thought to herself, grimly. Soon the rain soaked through the outer layers of her clothes. The wind picked up and she felt a chill go through her. She didn't want to go in yet so she picked up some rocks to throw figuring that the movement would warm her up.
He found her out by the lake skipping stones. Her hair was plastered to her face and her clothes were soaked.
"Hey Lena, it's rainin'."
"Wow Logan, those enhanced senses of yours are pretty amazin'." She didn't look up from throwing the stones.
"Yeah, wait, I'm getting another insight here. You're in a shitty mood. Am I right?"
"Color me impressed."
"Why are you standing out here in the rain?"
"'Cause Scotty Summers hates me."
"I'm sure that must be devastating for you since yer such a big fan of his."
She threw up her hands and turned, finally, to face him. "I swear. Every time I have to talk to him, I say to myself, okay this time we are going to have a civil conversation. But every time, every freakin' time," Lena's arms swung wildly as she gestured to indicate her frustration ending with her hands pressed against her temples, "he says something so mind-bogglingly stupid that I can't I can't even I mean just." She sputtered impotently and shotgunned a rock across the water. "FUCK!"
Logan watched the stone skip a good six times before sinking. "Feel better now?"
"No."
"Well you have to come in anyway. I promised Henry I'd get ya out of the rain."
"Yeah, well you shouldn't make promises you can't keep."
"I don't, Lena." Logan swept her up in his arms and tossed her over his shoulder.
Lena didn't appreciate the humor of her situation. She beat at his legs and behind and let loose a string of curses. While none of the curses were new to his ears, he did hear a few refreshingly new combinations. He didn't mind the fussing but it was making it difficult to carry her. "Lena, I know yer upset but you got about two seconds to settle down or I'm dumpin' you in the lake."
"God damn it, Logan, put me down. I'll come in with you already."
He dumped her back down onto her feet. "I knew ya'd see it my way." Instead of letting her go, he kept his arms on her shoulders and looked directly into her eyes. "Ya know, Lena, it's gonna take some time to get everyone used to you being here. Scotty takes a while to warm up to people. That don't mean he's never gonna let you at the computers. You have to learn to be more patient."
She narrowed her eyes and brushed his hands from her shoulders. As she walked away, she told him, "I'm not gonna stand here and listen to you lecture me on the virtue of patience."
"Watch it. We're still pretty close to that lake."
"I'm walkin'. I'm walkin'."
"Lena."
"What!" She rounded on him, hands fisted, shoulders up, and jaw tight. She didn't care if she did end up in the lake; she wasn't going to put up with much more of this.
He couldn't help but smile at her. The phrase 'mad as a wet hen' kept running through his mind. "Thanks for takin' care of Jubilee."
"Oh," the tension slid out of her posture, "Yer welcome. She's a good kid. Tough as nails, too."
"Yep," he replied and, under his breath, he added, "All my girls are."
Caleb and Annie stood at the window and watched the pair head back to the house.
"Jesus, I can't believe it. She's coming back in." Caleb shook his head in amazement. "He's pretty good. I'll give him that."
"Told ya he could bring her in."
Caleb's eyes narrowed as he regarded his younger sister. "Jou saw it didn't you. What else do you know, squirt? What are you up to?"
"If I tell you, then it won't happen and I want it to happen."
"Is it something I want to happen?"
"You'll find out."
"Jou know I can tickle it out of you."
"You leave me be, Caleb Jones, or I'm gonna tell Lanie you been buggin' me the minute she comes through that door."
"You wouldn't dare."
"Try me."
"This isn't over, hermanita. I'll get it out of you eventually." The last thing Caleb wanted to do was to become the focus of Lena's anger. He couldn't make out her expression through the rain but he could tell by the way that she carried herself that she was far from over her bad mood.
"Boy, she still looks mad." Annie noticed.
"Yep, maybe we better just leave the towels on the counter?"
"Sounds like a good idea."
Annie and Caleb ducked out of the kitchen.
Logan and Lena entered in time to see the heel of Caleb's tennis shoe disappearing through the doorway.
"See they're smart. They know better than to bug me when I'm in a bad mood."
"Well whoever told ya I was smart? 'Sides, it don't matter if ya get mad at me. I know ya won't stay that way."
"Nah, I won't but you shouldn't be taking advantage of that fact."
"Yeah, Yeah Lena, I know. It don't mean nothin'. Ya already told me that."
"It means that you're a good friend who's trying to help me out and it would be pretty rotten of me to hold a grudge over that. It doesn't mean I'm fallin' for you."
"We already had this conversation, Lena. We don't have to have it again." His jaw tightened as he spoke. He turned to leave the kitchen.
"Logan, I'm sorry I didn't mean"
"Nah, Lena. I told ya I wouldn't push ya, so I'm not gonna. When yer done dryin' yourself off, stop by the Professor's study. He wanted to talk to you." He kissed the top of her head. "Don't worry about, Scotty. He'll come 'round."
Brilliant, she thought glumly, way to send the right message.
---------------------------------
"Look, Scott, all I'm saying is that you could try to give her more of a chance."
"Jean, you can't scan her; the Professor can't scan her; she tried to kill herself; she tried to kill Logan and she tried to kill the Professor. Why am I the only person who thinks we should be more cautious?"
"That's not exactly how it happened and you know it."
"Yes but none of us know exactly how it happened. We only have her say so to go on."
"You don't know what she's been through. I can't scan her, but occasionally I get flashes of her memories. I can tell you that just coming here has been an enormous step for her. She's frightened to death that the people who used her before will find her again. That's why she doesn't want to leave any sort of trail and, from what I've seen, I can't say as I blame her."
"If she's so damned frightened, why can't I get her to take a single thing I say seriously?"
"She uses humor as a coping mechanism, Scott. You make her nervous. You're an authority figure and she has a pretty terrible track record with authority figures. You can't expect that she's just going to accept you right away."
"Well she can't expect that I'm just going to accept her right away, either. I have the whole team to think about." He grabbed the back of his neck and sighed heavily. "Look, she rubs me the wrong way. I admit it. I try not to let it show but she just seems to punch every button I have."
"I think she feels the same way about you. I I'll try to talk to her. Just, please try to keep an open mind."
"I will, Jean. You know I will. I'm sure she's everything you say she is. I just I've just got to see it for myself."
---------------------------------
She ran the towel over her head one more time before knocking on the door of the study.
"Come in, Lena." The Professor's voice just carried through the heavy, oak door.
"Logan said you wanted to talk to me. I I just want you to know that I'm sorry for loosing my temper like that. It's just that this is all so new to me and I haven't ever had"
"Lena, that's not what we wanted to talk to you about."
Finally, Lena noticed that Henry was in the room with her and the Professor. For a second, she considered bolting for the door. She knew what they probably wanted to talk about. She had been afraid that the demo would reveal too much. Her stomach felt like lead.
Henry watched her tense. Her face hardened and became unreadable. He tried to calm her down a bit. "We just wanted to talk about this morning's demonstration."
"I know what you want to talk about," Lena shook her head slowly from side to side, "and we shouldn't."
"Lena," Charles began only to be silenced by her hand gesturing for quiet.
She moved to the door and closed it. "Okay, ask what you want to ask but we don't need anyone else listening in."
"Your work was very impressive this morning. I have to admit that both Henry and I were very surprised by your power and your control. Especially when we looked at your charts and couldn't find anything to indicate that you were working near your capacity or, really, that you had any sort of limit to your capacity."
"Lena, just how low can your consciousness go? I know that it extends at least to the cellular level but since the operation, that doesn't seem to tax you at all."
"It never worked." Her voice was so low; it barely carried the distance between them. She stood without moving, her head bowed. She watched her knuckles slowly turn white as her hands gripped the towel.
"Excuse me?" Charles wasn't sure what she was talking about.
"I know what this is about and I know what you're asking. The answer is yes. Yes, I can affect changes on the level of DNA. You shouldn't have asked; you shouldn't know, and you can't tell anyone."
"This won't leave the room, Lena. I promise." Henry tried to reassure her.
"You can't promise anything of the sort, Henry." She tapped her own head. "I'm the only one who's locked down tight."
"What never worked, Lena?" The Professor prompted her.
"The experiments. Human to mutant, mutant to human, any attempts to control the genetic factors failed. Cellular integrity always gave out in the end. We lost every subject."
"How many people were experimented on?"
"Personally, I worked on hundreds, soldiers, orphans like me, clones." She looked straight into Hank's face and the pain in her eyes made him flinch. "None of them lived and we couldn't even just put them out of their misery." Tears flowed down her face as she brokenly carried on. "Had to watch them to see if maybe this time you'd have a positive response. Couldn't even really do anything for the pain. Had so much to do just to keep them stable. Had to watch them die, piece by piece while they begged to be ...put outof" She couldn't go on. Deep sobs rasped out of her throat. She went down to her knees but put her hand out to ward off Henry as he tried to reach out to her.
They watched her as she fought to pull herself together. Finally the choked sobs eased off and the tears stopped coming.
"It would have probably been worse if you had been successful. Then you'd be in even more danger than you are now." Henry knew it wasn't much but he really couldn't think of anything else to console her and he needed to do something for her.
"You think that would stop someone from wanting to give it the old college try? The Project didn't have a patent on madmen. I've been out in the world long enough to know that. Now do you understand why I've been on the run? Why I'm so unwilling to talk about this? I'm only admitting this to you now because I know I can't stay here if I don't and I really don't have anywhere else to go."
"We won't speak of this, not even to the team. Henry and I may not be as well defended psychically as you are but I can assure you that we are both fairly well shielded. We'll keep this secret as quiet as we can."
Unless Kovacs is alive, Lena thought; then it's just a matter of time.
Charles was momentarily surprised. It was always a shock when one of Lena's thoughts came to him. "Kovacs was a telepath, wasn't he?"
And it was always a shock to Lena when she realized that he'd heard one of her thoughts. "Of course he was, how do you think he did what he did to me?"
Well that explained quite a bit, he thought to himself. No wonder she feared telepaths so much. He tried again to reassure her. "We will keep you safe here. I'll speak with Scott and the rest of the team. I'll make sure that they understand that I vouch for you. Give it time and you will be accepted here. There is safety in numbers, Lena."
"I know what you're saying, Charles. Sometimes, though, I think that a big X looks a little too much like a target for my taste. It doesn't stop me from praying that you're right, every night, as a matter of fact." She wiped the drying tears off of her face with her towel, squared her shoulders and shook off the jumble of fears that threatened to overwhelm her. "I should really get out of these wet clothes." Her jaw set and her face blank, she left the room.
"What do you think, Charles?"
"I don't know what to think, Henry. She'll stay. She won't do anything to endanger her siblings and she believes they're safest here. I don't think she believes that she'll ever be safe. It's hard to disagree with her. Can you imagine what uses Magneto could put her powers to, or, worse yet, Sinister?"
"Well, Professor, this is news to us but Lena's known it all along. We just have to make sure that we do our best to keep this under wraps without alienating her from the rest of the team. Let's try to ease her into life at the mansion. Let the others get to know her socially before we push her as a team member in any capacity. She is doing excellent work in the infirmary. She can be very engaging when she's relaxed. If the others can see more of that side of her, I think it might help break down some of the resistance to her."
"Scott really wants to keep evaluating her."
"I can stall him. She's officially still recovering. She doesn't, officially, stop recovering until I say so."
"Sounds like a good plan. In the meantime, I'll try to encourage her to interact more with the rest of the team."
---------------------------------
The music was loud, really loud. He could hear it through the soundproof door. The door itself faintly pulsed with the incessant rhythm. It was some sort of corrosive, industrial, techno crap; the kind of music that set his teeth on edge and made him want to hit things.
He weighed the facts again. It was four o'clock in the morning. She'd been in there since before midnight. She hadn't answered when he'd knocked, not any of the half-dozen times he'd knocked or even the one or two times he'd pounded on the door and hollered out her name. There was a suspicious lack of noise coming from her side of the door. Sure, the music was blasting but there was no sound of movement. In the last hour that he had been standing there, he had heard nothing but the music and the faint sound of her breathing.
But she was a big girl and she had a right to her privacy. Last time he'd tried to help, he'd gotten a tongue lashing for his trouble. He had the access code for the door; so he wouldn't, technically, be breaking the door down to get to her. But that was a subtlety that would promptly be lost in the shuffle, if he bulled his way in there only to find out that she was fine and in no mood for company or fool-headed, unnecessary rescue attempts.
A sane man would have headed off to bed by now. Sane men didn't have extra voices in their heads to contend with. The extra voice in his not-all-that-sane head wouldn't let him be. She'd just looked so wrong when she'd left the Professor's office. Face blank, eyes hard and her jaw tighter than he'd ever seen before, between that and the wash of fear and anxiety in her scent, he knew she was in a bad way. He knew it and the extra voice in his head did too. While the voice was no great rhetorician, it more than made up for it in sheer bloody-mindedness. He tried to present a balanced and logical argument against bothering her when she so clearly did not want to be bothered. The voice wasn't nearly so eloquent. Its argument, if it could be pinned down to words at all, went something like; pretty, good-smelling girl is unhappy/angry/worried must hold/comfort/rub nownownow. It occurred to him that the next time the Hulk crossed his path it might be a good idea to give vent to this side of himself. They might be able to just get a beer and talk this time instead of the usual throw-down shit-kick session.
He was startled out of his reverie by a sound he didn't like at all. Her breathing was louder and ragged and getting faster with each breath. He reacted instinctively, his fingers dancing across the keypad. He practically tore the door off its hinges rushing into the room. Lena was half in and half out of her chair. Her body jerked reflexively as if she were having some kind of seizure. Lights were flashing and an alarm buzzer finally started to sound. He undid the catch of his buckle and pulled out his belt as he moved towards her. He wanted to get her stable before he took the time to call for help. Once he had her out of the chair, he put her down on her side so that she wouldn't be likely to swallow her tongue or her own vomit. He worked the leather of the belt between her teeth. Her eyes were rolled back too far to give him a decent look at her pupils. She was still jacked into the system and he debated pulling the jack out but decided against it. Just then, a synthesized voice boomed through the room, "Step away from the body."
Suddenly, the world shifted and got much larger. He sped through space with no sense of up or down. All around him, intense lights blasted on and off. A high-pitched, unceasing whine came at him loud enough to pound through his body. He could not hear his own screams. He had no hands to block the light. The world shifted and reeled again and consciousness abandoned him.
He woke up with a start, jumping into a ready position. Seeing his quick motion, Lena jumped back and crouched, poised to move out of his way. They stood for a moment and then both relaxed. Lena heaved a deep sigh of relief. "Well, I guess you're not hurt. That's something, anyway. What the hell were you trying to do, Logan, kill us both?"
"I thought I was saving your life."
"Well, that would be what all this shit is for." She gestured angrily at the computer system. "The alarm you heard was the fail safe kicking in. It was just about to pull me out when you came in."
"Well, I didn't know that. From where I was standing, it looked like you were having a seizure."
"I'm sorry about that. Nobody was supposed to be able to see me. I could've sworn I locked the door."
"You did." He looked down at his boots. "I unlocked it."
"Aw Jesus Christ, Logan! What the hell is confusing about a locked door?"
"The desperately unhappy person hiding behind it, I guess."
His comment hit home and she spun away from him and rested her hands on the desk. Her hand fluttered as she reached up behind her head and pulled the jack out.
"Jesus Lena, Yer shakin' like a leaf." He came towards her but she put her hands up to stop him, still refusing to turn around.
"Dammit, Logan! Don't touch me. My skin's still reactive."
He cursed under his breath and unbuttoned his shirt. As he put the flannel over her shoulders, he stopped to examine the scar on her back. As soon as she realized what he was doing, she quickly pulled the shirt up and turned around. "Don't look at that."
"How'd you get it out?"
"Pair of long handled pliers and a lot of time. How the hell do you think I got it out?"
"Put yer arms in the sleeves. Ya ain't gonna get warmer with it just over your shoulders."
As soon as she had reluctantly put her arms in the sleeves, he tugged her forward into his arms. At first she struggled but he wouldn't let her out. She held herself perfectly stiff in defiance. He ignored her anger and started to rock her and rub her back. Deep in his chest, she could hear the rumble, a soft vibration, like purring. Something inside him had felt her pain and he was reacting on instinct now. He wouldn't stop until she let him take the pain away. Finally, she just couldn't fight it anymore. Great big air-sucking sobs wracked her body as she clung to his shoulders and cried into his T-shirt. "C'mon now, darlin', It's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be fine."
Once she cried herself out, he tried again to speak to her. "What were you doing, anyway, Lena?"
She sniffed and rubbed her nose before pulling away from him. She looked off into the distance. "I was just running wild."
"Huh?"
She heaved a sigh and took a moment before proceeding. "My mind's been fucked with so much that there doesn't seem to be any way to turn the damn thing off. That's why I have so much trouble sleeping. Though, I suppose that it's not really trouble anymore. Jeannie and Henry seem to think it's just dandy that I don't need to sleep." She stopped herself, disliking the bitterness in her own voice. "If I go into the system and really push myself, I can get close. It's not exactly quiet but it is too busy to think. I really haven't had a great day and it's still pouring out there and I hate to take my bike out in the rain and I just needed to get out, to get away. It just didn't work and I pushed too hard. It was stupid and I should've known better."
"Everybody has to blow off steam every once in a while, Lane. It ain't no big thing. I'm just glad you're okay."
"Hah," She barked out a grim laugh, "Okay, oh yeah I'm perfectly normal. Everybody needs to blow off steam, Logan. They just don't do it by crawling into a machine." She closed her eyes and grimaced. "I hate how much I like it in there. I get really scared sometimes. Like, maybe one of these times, I might not crawl back out. It's sopure. There's a lot going on in there but it all comes down to just on and off, yes and no. I guess you can take the girl out of the machine but you can't take the machine out of the girl."
"You're not a machine, Lena. You're just fallin' back on what you know. Things are different now. I know that's hard on you. But if you're bein' real honest with yourself, you have to admit that things are mostly better. You're not alone anymore. You don't have to worry about what happens to your kids when you punch out. And you're not gonna punch out. You got all the time in the world now."
"I just don't know if I want it. I never seriously considered living past Caleb's eighteenth birthday. And now, I don't know, I never thought it would be this hard. If I want to stay here, I have to let Charles and Jean and Henry and Scott pick at me and find out all my secrets, find out all the ways I'm broken. Sometimes, I feel like dying would have been better."
He tugged her chin up sharply. She stared into his hard eyes in surprise. "Best watch what you say 'cause that sounded a hell of a lot like you giving up. What happened to the girl who wasn't gonna let Kovacs win?"
"You're right, I know you are. It's just hard sometimes."
"Nobody said it would be easy. But when you feel like you can't take it, don't climb into that damn thing. Come to me." She pulled away and shook her head, on the verge of disagreeing until he held up a hand. "Look, whatever we may be to each other in the future, right now we're friends. And let me make this crystal clear to you. If I know you're hurting, and I will know if you're hurting," He pointed to the door. "I'll knock that damn door down if I have to. I don't let my friends down, Lena. No matter how much they might want me to."
She spent a moment just looking into his face. Finally, she spoke, "I love you, Logan."
"I know you do. Why do you think I'm here?" He pulled her back into his arms where she belonged and hugged her tight. "You have a jacket in the garage?"
"What?" Her forehead crinkled in confusion.
He loved catching her off guard. She just looked so cute when she was confused. "Well, I took care of the crying and the shaking. Now all that's left is that serious growl in your belly. If you have a jacket in the garage, we can go straight for the Jeep. Otherwise, we'll have to stop by your room first. So which is it?"
"I have a jacket in the garage. You want your clothes back?"
"You can keep the shirt. I should probably put the belt back on."
"Here." She handed the belt back to him. "And just for the record, it does not make good eatin'."
He ruffled her hair as they walked out of the lab. "You're makin' jokes, Lanie. You must be feelin' better."
"Yeah, must is the right word. I'm not sure I have a choice when you're around."
"You finally figured that out? Thank God, I was beginnin' to think you were a little slow in the head."
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