Reaching Out
Chapter 5: Profit and Loss
by
Catlover



DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. Marvel owns the X-men lock, stock and barrel. I'm only using them for my sick purposes and them cleaning them off and placing them back on the shelf.

*Italics are thoughts.




The next week and a half were the hardest Rogue had endured in a long time. She walked around in a daze. Her fellow students tried to help her out by giving her notes when they saw her spend a class hour staring out the window. Professor Xavier consoled her as much as he could, but eventually had to leave, piloting the jet to Switzerland. With no one left to teach them, the kids got an unexpected vacation. The vacation was no joy-filled occasion for Rogue. The lack of routine only made her feel empty. It left her with entirely too much time alone with her own thoughts. One day, word finally came that the jet was returning to the mansion. Rogue was waiting in the hanger when the jet landed. Anxiously, Rogue watched the door open. The first person to walk off the plane was Storm. Storm looked at Rogue with tear-filled eyes and approached the girl slowly. Rogue saw the look on Storm's face and understood it all too plainly. Shaking her head, Rogue repeated, "No." Again and again, Rogue said the word until Storm placed her arms around her and held her tightly. Rogue choked out, "What happened? Where is he?" Scott walked up, followed by Jean and Professor Xavier, to Rogue and Storm and placed a gloved hand on Rogue's head. Clearing his throat, Scott answered, "I'm so sorry, Rogue, but we lost him. We were all together and then there was an explosion. When the air cleared, Magneto's men were storming our position and Wolverine was no where in sight. We had to get out of there. The Professor picked us up and we used the jet to delay their progress so that the diplomats could have time to escape. You were right, Rogue. Magneto fought half-heartedly once he realized Professor Xavier was on the jet. I wish there was more I could tell you." Her eyes darting about quickly, Rogue pushed away from Storm and backed away from the group. "You just left him. How could you just leave him? (Pointing at Scott) He doesn't even like you and still he would have never left you behind." Guilt flooded Scott's soul as Rogue spoke. In response, Scott hanged his head and looked at the floor. Jean stepped forward and yelled, "That's enough! Scott didn't want to leave him behind, but if we hadn't left just when we did, then Magneto's men would have caught us. Scott did what he had to do to save the team." Rogue glared at Jean and accused, "That's easy for you to say. Your man is here!" Turning on her heel, Rogue ran out of the hanger. Scott moved to follow her, but Xavier's hand stopped him.

From down a carpeted hall, the sound of sobbing could be heard. Behind a solid oak door, a grief-stricken female set up a holy image and a candle. After lighting the candle, Rogue knelt in front of the flickering flame and prayed to the God of her childhood. The opening of a door intruded into this sacred moment. Jean Grey walked into the room ripe for battle. She stood in her dark blue, leather uniform, her weight balanced on spread legs. She was prepared to attack verbally and possibly physically until the scene before her stopped her in her tracks. Rogue rocked back and forth as she prayed. Her gloves were tossed on the floor. Tears ran down her cheeks and splashed on her bare hands that were clutched in prayer. Taking a step forward, Jean almost stumbled from the force of this young girl's grief. Pointing at the porcelain statue, Jean asked, "What is that?" Looking over at Jean, Rogue explained, "That's Saint Jude. He's the Patron Saint of Lost Causes. My Mother gave it to me just before I ran away. She said Saint Jude would have a soft place in his heart for our kind and I'm hoping she was right. Now, if you wouldn't mind." Jean nodded and left the room, closing the door behind her.

The next morning, Professor Xavier used Cerebro to locate Logan. The Professor found Logan, fighting his way through the wilderness, freezing in the snow. Scott was dispatched immediately to pick up Logan and bring him back to the mansion. On his own errand, Professor Xavier went to Rogue's room. He knocked softly on the door and received a "come in" in response. Opening the door, Xavier entered the room and found Rogue on the floor, kneeling in the same position Jean had left her in the night before. Her tear-stained face turned toward him as he approached her. He told her they had found Wolverine and saw life return to her eyes. Relieved beyond words, she placed her head on his knees and cried harder than before. Xavier's heart went out to the young girl, but explained, "Rogue, I'm glad everything worked out well, but you need to remember if this happens again that Logan chose to go out on this mission. The missions the X-Men commit are dangerous and each member knows he could die as a result. Therefore, you shouldn't lash out at the other members of the team like you did last night." Rogue rubbed her scratchy, burning eyes against Xavier's legs and replied, "But they left him to die." Professor Xavier responded, "No, they did what they had to do. In the end, all you did was push away your support network. Any one of them would have comforted you, Rogue. You just had to give them a chance." Rogue looked up at Xavier and said, "It's not that easy, Professor. Everyone here is very kind, but I can see the fear in their eyes when they see me take off my gloves or when I wear short sleeves or short skirts. They're afraid I'll hurt them. Only Logan never cared and yet he's the only one who actually knows how it feels to touch me. Somehow, he always managed to be careful in a way that didn't involve avoiding physical contact with me." Xavier looked at the girl kneeling before him with sympathetic eyes. He pulled a handkerchief from his jacket and placed his hand on Rogue's head. He watched as a solitary tear rolled down her cheek. "I'm afraid we've not done right by you, Rogue. I regret that fact and I promise I will try to do better from now on," The Professor continued to soothingly caress Rogue's scalp as he recalled, "I remember the first time you touched Logan. When he came to, his first concern was of you. That was the moment I realized he carried a deep affection for you." Rogue placed her head down on Xavier's knees again and wrapped her arms around his legs. Urging her to speak, Xavier requested, "Rogue, tell me about Logan." In a small voice, Rogue reminisced, "The first time I ever saw Logan, he was fighting in a cage"

Six hours later, the jet returned to base. Scott helped Jean escort Logan to sickbay. They placed his freezing body in a prepared tank of water. Quietly, Jean started the slow process of rising the water's temperature a degree at a time. Alone in the examination room, Jean watched over Logan as he slowly regained consciousness. Logan looked around lazily before resting his eyes on Jean. Logan tried to speak, but Jean motioned for him to be quiet. She walked over to him and placed her hand on his forehead and advised, "I don't think you should try to speak yet. Your body is healing quickly, but even your mutant abilities can only do so much. Normally, it would take a person weeks to recover from that kind of exposure, but, of course, for you, it'll probably only take an hour or two more. Your body is almost at room temperature now. Once we get you up to 98.6 degrees, you can get out of the water, okay?" Logan nodded and searched the room again. Jean addressed Logan, "She'll be here soon, Logan. I wanted you out of the tank before you tried to exert yourself." Jean looked down at Logan and continued, "I don't know how else to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I'm so sorry, Logan. I've been terrible to you and Rogue. The only excuse I have for myself is that I spent the last year thinking you were in love with me. Don't get me wrong. I love Scott, but it fed my ego to think I had an admirer. You see, I've only been with Scott. There has never been anyone else. I guess I just lost myself in the fantasy of a choice. When you said you loved Rogue, I lost that fantasy and it was hard to let go of, but I've seen Rogue the past couple daysand I've felt her. Her grief was so profound, Logan. I just know she must love you with her whole heart. Someday, I hope you both can forgive me for the things I've said." In Logan's eyes, Jean saw his response. Thankful, Jean nodded her head and walked over to the light control and dimmed the lights. Looking over at Logan, Jean commanded, "Get some sleep, Logan. When you wake up, Rogue will be here."

Logan could hear muffled voices all around him. As he wrenched himself out of the blurry world surrounding him, the sounds slowly came into focus. "He's still very weak and probably will be for the next couple of hours." "Will he be okay?" "He's going to need his rest, but I expect him to make a complete recovery." "Thank you." "Don't thank me, it's his mutation that's kept him alive." Logan struggled to speak and after some initial gurgling, finally said, "It wasn't the mutation that kept me alive." Jean and Rogue turned their heads quickly, just in time to see Logan open his eyes. Looking back and forth between Jean and Rogue, Logan finally centered on Rogue, smiled weakly and said, "Hi honey, I'm home." Jean excused herself and walked out of the room. Once the door closed, Rogue rushed to Logan's side, placed a hand over his forehead and kissed the back of her hand. Rogue couldn't believe she could cry any more tears after the past couple days, but still, she felt salty drops sting at her eyes. She tried her hardest to blink them back, but was not entirely successful. Logan frowned as he saw three tears make their way down her cheeks. Searching her face, Logan saw the evidence of hours of crying etched in the redness lining her otherwise beautiful eyes. "Gimme a smile, Marie." Rogue brushed the tears off her face and smiled weakly. Logan implored, "Come on, you can do better than that. Like that time I tickled you till you turned blue. Remember? I don't have the strength right now to wrestle you down or I'd get that smile the old fashioned way. Come on, love, I've just gotta see a beautiful, large smile." Logan watched Rogue brighten and smile. "That's it. That's what saved me. The whole time I was out there, there were so many times that I wanted to stop, just stop because it was so hard to keep going, but you were there. Your smiling face floating right in front of me. That smile gave me the strength to keep walking a few more feet." He reached for her hand, squeezed it and continued, "Y'see, you're what saved me. You're what kept me alive." Rogue smiled widely and honestly now. She bent down and kissed the back of her hand again. Lowering her hand, Rogue brushed her fingertips across Logan's eyelids and kept them there until they remained closed. Quietly, Rogue pulled a chair over from across the room. Patiently, she curled up in the chair and watched him sleep.

A few hours later, Logan was well enough to go back to his room. Jean brought some clothes from his room and handed them to Rogue. Jean smiled a knowing smile at Rogue as she left the two of them alone. Rogue placed the clothes on a table and approached Logan. Gently, she helped him into a sitting position. Sitting there, Logan's feet dangled down and his sheet pooled around his waist. Blushing, Rogue brought over a short sleeve, blue-plaid, button-down shirt and helped Logan get in it. Intensely, Logan watched all her actions. Slowly, his eyes traveled up and down her body taking in the glorious image of her. Rogue wore a simple blue dress with short sleeves that were tucked into her long, white gloves and a flowing, knee-length skirt that covered a pair of taut, bright white tights. Her hair hanged down loosely and brushed against his skin as she helped him put on his shirt. Gracefully, her arms wrapped around his neck as she adjusted his collar. Silently, she came to rest there her arms positioned on his shoulders and her fingers lying motionless against the skin on the back of his neck. Rogue leaned in until there was barely a breath between them, but Logan couldn't feel her breath against his face, no doubt, because she had been holding it for some time. Finally, she exhaled and he could practically smell the innocence rolling off of her. He could see her fear of losing him and feel her joy due to his return, but more than anything Logan could sense her vulnerability. Looking in her eyes, he could see that she wanted to surrender to his embrace just so she could know that he was real. Forgive me, but I almost let her do it. I almost took advantage of this moment, of her. Reaching up with trembling hands, Logan weakly grabbed Rogue's arms and pushed her away. Unable to look her directly in the face, Logan motioned at the rest of his clothes and said, "Could you hand me the rest of my clothes now, Marie?" Disappointed, Rogue handed him the clothes and turned around when he prompted her to do so. She heard him struggle to stand and dress himself, but remained with her back to him. Finally, he softly touched her shoulder. Turning around, Rogue placed a strong arm around his waist and helped him back to his room.

Once inside Logan's bedroom, Rogue left Logan standing at the door as she turned down the bed. She walked over to his closet and pulled out a long-sleeve cotton shirt and a pair of sweats and turned back toward him. "I think these will be more comfortable to sleep in, don't you?" Offered Rogue. Tossing the clothes over to him, she turned around without being reminded. After he finished changing, she helped Logan over to the bed. Upon pulling the covers up to his chest, Rogue placed a gloved hand over his forehead and kissed the back of her glove. As she pulled away, Rogue met Logan's eyes. His eyes looked back with something between awe and devotion. Reaching out a hand, Logan touched the wavy strands of brown and white hair that hanged down "Thanks," said Logan. Rogue's face filled with curiosity and asked, "For what?" Logan replied, "Everything. For helping me. For just being you." Rogue smiled warmly and said, "Well, don't thank me for being myself, I can only be myself, I don't know any other way to be. As for the helping part, that was really for my benefit 'cause y'know, I do keep you around for a reason." Logan playfully leered at Rogue and said, 'Oh yeah, what reason is that?" Rogue blushed and quickly looked away. Sitting beside Logan, Rogue took one of his hands and held it with both of her hands. Turning the hand one way and then the other, Rogue examined the back and palm of Logan's hand. Slowly, Rogue turned her head and raised her gaze to Logan's waiting face and asked, "Could I stay here, tonight?" Concerned, not so much by the subject of her request as what might happen if he allowed her to stay, Logan inquired, "Why? Is there something wrong with your room?" Looking down, Rogue nodded and replied, "Yes. I spent last night there alone, crying on the floor. Just for tonight, I need to be able to reach out and know you're still here." There it was. Very plain. Everything he had sensed in her, told to him without him even having to ask. Logan knew real need when he heard it and he could hear it now in Rogue's voice and in the rapid beating of her heart, but he feared the defenselessness he saw when he brought his gaze to bear upon her. Logan looked at Rogue and Rogue saw reluctance reflected in his eyes. Jumping to her feet, Rogue twirled around and stated, "Look, I'm wearing tights and my gloves are long and the sleeves of my dress are tucked in them. You won't get hurt." Logan held his hand out and waited patiently until Rogue placed her hand in his. He pulled her close and lifting his blanket, drew her down onto the mattress beside him. Reaching into his nightstand, Logan pulled out a pair of gloves and slipped them on. Turning back over to Rogue, Logan ran his fingers through her hair and down her face and said, "I'm not afraid of you hurting me. Don't ever think that." Biting her lip, Rogue nodded, turned away from Logan and laid down on her right side. Spooning his body against Rogue's, Logan placed his head on his pillow and fell asleep.

In midnight fantasies, Rogue could see herself as she once had been. Carefree and daring, she knelt on the bed that used to belong to her back in Meridian, Mississippi. Once again, it was the last day of that life. Against a map sprawled across the wall, she ran her bare finger along the trail she would eventually follow under less than thrilling circumstances. Looking over her shoulder, Rogue could see Cody laying there, looking up at her all blond hair, blue eyes and impish smile. She remembered their light banter. God! How easy it had been to speak of little things once. She recalled how intense his eyes were when he propped himself up on his elbow and leaned in slowly to kiss her. Rogue relived the wave of fear that coursed through her body just before her gaze hit his lips and a strange sense of determination flooded her soul. Their lips touched so lightly, at first, only to be pressed a little harder. In her dreams, Rogue allowed herself the privilege of remembering how lovely the lights that formed behind her eyelids had been and how she thought they must be the stars everyone said she would see. She recalled how she thought that amazing pulling in sensation must have been normal and so much more than for which she had ever hoped.

Suddenly, the dream shifted. Rogue could feel Logan above her, kissing her without anything between them. In fact, after a moment, Rogue realized nothing separated their bodies while Logan thrust between her thighs. The familiar drawing in began again. She saw Logan stiffen and the veins in his face pop out. Frantically, Rogue tried to get out from under Logan, but he was too heavy. She could feel his essence entering her. She could feel him weakening and started to cry. With all her strength, Rogue tried pushing Logan off of her and then she attempted rolling him off, all in the hope of saving him before he died, before she killed him.

Without waking, Rogue started to twist and turn under the covers on Logan's bed. Throwing them off, she struggled with a phantom Logan as the real one slowly awakened. Opening sleepy eyes, Logan looked at Rogue's body that was thrashing about like she was in a fight for her life. Momentarily stunned, Logan watched Rogue roll right off the bed and land with a solid "thud" on the floor. Jumping up, Logan crossed over the bed and tried to grab Rogue's arms, but she kicked and punched at the air. Unsuccessful, Logan tried another approach. Pinning down her legs with his, Logan knelt down on the floor with Rogue's legs between his spread knees. Reaching down, Logan grabbed Rogue's forearms and pulled her up into a sitting position. Firmly, he shook her until her eyes opened and the fuzziness in them cleared. Startled, Rogue looked around and then lifted her gaze to Logan's concerned and bewildered face. Instantly, Rogue wrapped her arms around Logan's body and pressed her head against his chest and repeated, "You're okay. You're okay. You're okay." After a couple of minutes, Logan pushed Rogue away and helped her back onto the bed. He laid down beside her and, only after he knew she was calmed down, did he ask what the hell was that all about.

Laughing nervously, Rogue told Logan about the dream and was in tears by the end. Logan held Rogue tightly and just nodded in understanding. Eventually, Rogue pulled away and said, "I hadn't really thought of it before, but we can't make love, can we?" Logan pulled away and rolled onto his back. He didn't like the direction in which this conversation was headed. He sighed a heavy sigh before looking Rogue in the face and responding, "I don't know about that. There are some people who would call what we did before I left making love." Rogue rolled her eyes and lifted up on her elbow and looked down at Logan and stated, "That's not what I mean, Logan. I mean we can'tuhy'know." Her innocence pleased him and Logan smiled. Teasingly, Logan lifted a gloved hand to Rogue's face and stated, "Oh you mean sex. Can we have sex? Well, I don't want you to think I'm a pervert or that it's the only thing on my mind, but I have been giving this some thought and I think we could, but it doesn't matter because we won't be having sex anytime soon." Rogue lifted an eyebrow, squinted at Logan and asked, "Oh really, and why is that?" Logan smiled mischievously and answered, "Because, you just failed a very basic test." Rogue rolled her eyes again and inquired, "Oh and what test is that?" Logan ran a finger across Rogue's lower lip and replied, "If you can't say it, then you can't do it." Rogue pulled away from his touch and opened her mouth in rebuttal, but nothing came out. For a couple seconds, her mouth remained open until finally she closed it and looked away. His comment burnt her up inside, not so much because it lacked any trace of tact, but because it was true. She couldn't say it. Remembering her exact words, Rogue mentally kicked herself for sounding like such a 'kid.' Frustrated, Rogue could just hear Logan laughing in her head and desperately wanted to show Logan that she wasn't a child, once and for all. Wrinkling her brow, Rogue formed a question in her mind she was sure a child would never ask. Returning her gaze to Logan's serious face, Rogue asked, "Logan, don't you ever wish you could just touch me?" Logan looked Rogue in the eyes and answered, "Yes, of course, I do."

His answer hurt more than she thought it would. Quickly, Rogue turned away and Logan reached out and pulled her back as he continued, "I've also wished for a million dollars and a Caribbean Island, on occasion, and I don't see either of those wishes coming true anytime soon." Rogue smacked Logan on the arm as she countered, "Logan! Stop making jokes. I'm serious." Grabbing the hand that hit him, Logan pulled Rogue closer and responded, "So am I. Get this straight, Marie, so there's no more confusion. Yes, I want to touch you. I'd be lying if I said anything else, but I can live without it. You want to know why? I'll tell you why. Because the one time I touched you without being hurt, you were dying in my arms. On the torch, I touched your forehead. Your skin felt so smooth but it also felt lifeless. I thought I had lost you. I thought you were dead. If being able to touch you means you have to either be dead or dying, then I can live without touching you." Rogue laid there in silence throughout Logan's speech and felt tears fill her eyes and love fill her heart. She felt foolish for feeling so hurt just moments before. Rogue pulled her hand free of Logan's fierce grip and brought a piece of the sheet up to Logan's mouth. Once Logan was finished speaking, Rogue spread the cloth across his face, looked into his eyes and said, "I love you, Logan." Leaning in, Rogue placed a soft, but firm kiss on Logan's lips. Filled with a rage that was spurred on by a bad memory, Logan forced an arm under her waist and pulled her in close while he gripped her hair with the other hand. Fiercely, Logan pressed his mouth against Rogue's and savagely attacked her tender lips.

Desperately, Rogue pressed back in self-defense. Both her arms wound their way around his neck and held onto him as they devoured one another. Finally, Logan felt himself gain back a little control. Gently, he kissed her one last time and pulled away. Resting on his back, Logan guided Rogue's head onto his chest and waited until her breathing became steady and slow before allowing himself to drift off to sleep as well.



CHAPTERS:   1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8




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