Because You Loved Me
Chapter 1: The Truth That You Made Me See
by
QMan
Everyone felt bad. No, bad couldn't even begin to sum up how they felt. Horrible was more the way they felt. Logan was in the Med Lab, dying. That was the prognosis Hank and Cecilia had given everyone. Kitty and Jubilee were visiting their friend and mentor for what would more than likely be the last time. How this would affect the two young women and the team was beyond comprehension.
The silence in the hallway outside the Med Lab where the X-Men were assembled was thick and oppressive. No one wanted to say anything, none could think of what to say. This was an impossibility in their minds. Logan always got up from his injuries. Nothing could stop him. Yet here he was, dying.
"Sometimes Gambit t'ink dee only t'ing dat kept dat man goin' was 'is will." Remy said, finally breaking the crystaline silence and shattering it. Everyone was quick to agree and all started to state just how invincible they always thought Logan had been.
"Ya'll stop it!" Rogue said when she heard their use of the past tense, "Logan ain't dead yet! The least ya'll can do fer him is ta talk like he's still alive. Logan wouldn't give up on any of ya'll, so don't ya'll give up on him!" Silence reigned again as all there felt shame for talking as if he was already dead.
Rogue filled the silence by saying, "Ah know he wouldn't give up on any of us 'cause he didn't give up on meh." With that she began to tell them something she had never told anyone before.
Rogue had just come back from a mind-cleansing flight. As much as she hated her powers and hated having gone through that whole "Danvers" thing, she loved flying. There was nothing like soaring through the air, wind rushing past her face, its roar in her ears. It was truly exhilarating. When life at the mansion was too much, when her inner demons or past overwhelmed her, or simply when Remy's attitude got to be too much, she took off as fast and as far as she could. Today was one of those days.
She had woken up with the voices of all the people she'd ever absorbed ringing in her head. This happened every once in a while, usually when she recently absorbed a new personality. For some reason they'd gotten out of control this morning. Rogue tried the mental exercises Professor Xavier had taught her. She attempted to shut them up into a dark corner of her mind. Every mental trick failed. Screaming in frustration she opened her window and took to the skies. Up and up she went until the air was so thin she became light headed. She reduced altitude until breathing was easy. Then she shot forward.
She flew from West Chester, New York to over the Atlantic Ocean. When she was far out enough that there was no land in sight she stopped. The endless blue of the sea, sparkling with sunlight, and the unbroken blue of the sky, unmarred by clouds, lulled the voices. Half an hour later and she had all of her victims contained.
For that was what they were, victims. Victims of her mutation, of her unfortunate life, and of her selfishness. They had been defiled, raped of their very selves. There was no other way to say it. She had taken their life forces for her own ends. She had not come out unscathed from the process, oh no. Each of her victims left a little something of their psyche behind. This was something she would not admit to anyone lest they think her insane; those psyches took on a life of their own. That life was to destroy her; get her back for what she'd done to them. Rogue was afraid that one day she'd wake up with multiple personality disorder, brought about by all the personalities in her head trying to injure her.
All but one personality. The one person's psyche that didn't give Rogue a hard time and actually fought all the others with her. That was Logan's personality. Remy's had as well, but his psyche was so weak due to the shortness of that contact, that he had faded within two months. Rogue didn't know why Logan's psyche helped her instead of hurt her and didn't care. If he didn't help, it would have taken her twice as long to get the voices back under control. And when it was time to go back in the mental box, Logan went without complaint.
There were more of Rogue's friends here besides Logan, but they only added to the problem. Their personalities were still basically the same but took on new dimensions. Friends who had trusted her for years suddenly hated and feared her. In reality they stayed the same, but the person in her head became very aggressive and attacked every chance they had.
Usually the psyches in her head were led by Carol Danvers. The thought sent a shiver down Rogue's spine. When Carol Danvers had overtaken her body and then was consequently exorcised to her own to die, she'd thought Danvers was gone. She wasn't though and was the most powerful personality, always leading the charge.
Now that the charge had been broken, Rogue returned to Xavier's estate. Landing in front of the house, she stopped from going in. She didn't want to face her teammates just yet. She knew they had to have heard her scream earlier. That had been four hours ago and the team was probably near frantic. Ever since that battle with Magneto where he'd ripped the adamantium from Logan's bones everyone was keeping a watchful eye on everyone else. Logan had grown feral, almost bestial. This had unnerved the leaders of the X-Men and put everyone on edge.
Rogue turned and headed toward the lake. Maybe a hard jog around the water to keep her mind clear. Yeah, then a long hot shower to wash the cold sweat she'd woken to and the hard sweat she'd get from running. After that a large lunch. Smiling at her perfect plan, she hastened to get to the shore.
After sprinting for twenty minutes and doing five laps around the small lake Rogue was done with her run. She stopped in the exact spot she'd begun and started to trek back to the house. She heard the growl before she saw him and was startled that Logan was standing to her left.
"Hey there, Sugah." Rogue said as she panted for breath. Sweat made tiny tracks down her face and matted her curls to her skin. She knew she didn't look the best and usually wouldn't care. But Logan hiding out in the woods was weird, even for their lives, and she wanted to be at her best when she saw him. It gave her a sense of control.
"Hey, darlin'." Logan said after a thorough visual exam, "Out fer a run, eh?"
"Yeah."
"Wouldn't think a woman like yerself needed ta run ta keep in shape."
"Ah don't." Rogue admitted, "But Ah do need ta git out an' do somethin' every once in awhile."
Logan grunted in agreement. Rogue waited for more, but none was coming. She turned to leave.
"Saw ya take off like a screamin' banshee." Logan said at last.
She stopped in mid-turn to regard him, "Ya'll heard that?"
"I don't think anyone on the grounds coulda missed it." Logan replied as he hunkered down on his haunches, "A soul tearin' scream like that ain't heard too often."
Intrigued, Rogue joined Logan by sitting cross-legged across from him, "Soul tearin', huh? Don't know about that." She tried to keep her tone light, but Logan wasn't buying it.
"Darlin' when ya've seen as much pain as me, ya know a frightened scream from a soul scream. An' yers was a soul tearin' up while fallin' inta hell scream."
Rogue looked away ashamed and embarrassed. Logan reached out and took her hand in his gloved one.
"Ain't nothin' ta be ashamed of. We all got our demons. Sometimes they get the best of us an' sometimes we get them."
"But, Logan it ain't just demons Ah got." Rogue said with tears in her eyes, "Ah got voices an' personalities. An' they ain't even made up. They're always fightin' meh an' tryin' ta tear meh apart."
"From the people ya absorbed?" When she nodded he continued, "The important thing is not ta quit. Always give 'em a run fer their money." He stopped to consider his next words, "Am I in there?"
"Of course." Rogue answered, "Anyone Ah've evah touched long enough is in heah."
"Then I'm sorry ya have ta put up with me. If'n I'm fightin' ya, it can't be easy ta put me in my place."
"That's the weird thing Logan. The ya in mah head helps meh; fights fo' meh. All the others try ta take ovah, but ya don't."
"Maybe that's 'cause I know about havin' demons that are real ta ya."
"But ya don't control the ya up heah." Rogue said as she tapped her head, "Do ya?"
"I have a hard enough time controlin' myself, much less versions of me in other people's heads. Nah, I'm only sayin' that when a part of me got stuck in ya it must have loved the chance ta fight hauntin' spirits on their own turf."
"So you're sayin' that the Logan in mah head doesn't help meh 'cause it's right, but 'cause it helps him deal with being in there?"
"I can't answer that darlin', I ain't a psychic. All I can tell ya is that ya gotta do whatever gets ya through yer problems."
"This comin' from a man who lives outside an' lets his beast rule him?"
"Ya got me there." Logan admitted, "But I'm on my way back. The pain was too much, the memories I had too vivid fer me ta deal with. So I chose ta give in fer a time, till my mind could recover. Hearin' yer scream brought me back."
Rogue looked away for the second time, ashamed. Logan took her other hand in comfort.
"Ya don't have ta be ashamed. I told ya that already. Havin' a past is what makes us human."
"Ya'll ain't one ta talk about hidin' things. Ya got more secrets on your soul than any of us."
"Yep, but ya all know it. I let everyone know I got demons an' I'm not ashamed of it. I just don't tell 'em what my demons are." He stood up and drew her up with him, "It ain't a sign of weakness ta let those ya love know yer hurtin'. Tryin' it all on yer own can weaken ya."
They stood that way for a few moments as Logan let his words sink in. When he'd given it enough time he added, "We all have things we ain't proud of. Don't let keepin' us out be one of 'em."
Rogue hugged him at his words and he returned it. When she let go it was as if a band around her chest had been loosed. She smiled goofily and began walking back to the mansion. She stopped when Logan hadn't come with her. Turning she raised her eyebrows.
"Ya go ahead, I ain't ready yet." Logan said.
"We'll be heah for ya when ya are."
Smiling for the first time Rogue had noticed in a long time, he melted back into the foliage. She turned and made her way to the mansion with a light heart.
***
"Why you never tol' da Cajun dis?" Remy asked with tenderness in his voice.
"Because Ah didn't want ya ta think Ah was weak and crazy." Rogue said near tears.
Gambit took her hands in his and murmured, "No one t'ink dat of you, chere. We all your friends here. No need to keep it bottled up inside."
The rest of the X-Men agreed with Remy. Rogue wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled beatifically.
"Thanks, ya'll. Ya don't know what this means ta meh."
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