Night and Day: Wakeful in Westchester
Chapter 2
by
Mo
Disclaimer: The X-Men and Alpha Flight belong to Marvel. The movie belongs to Fox. Belarus is an independent country and belongs to its citizens, mutant and otherwise. Bryn Mawr is a private women's college founded in 1885. It belongs to the women, mutant and otherwise, who have lived and learned there for the past 116 years. I do feel like Scott and Logan are a little bit mine since I've been borrowing them for so long.
I sat there for a long time, hand on the phone, itching to call him back. I wanted so much to just take it all back, to tell him I'd give him whatever he wanted, whatever I had to give. If he'd said "I love you" I know I would have. Hell, if he'd said "I still want to be your friend," I would have. Anything to indicate that he cared, that calling me wasn't just the consequence of not having anyone else available in the middle of the night. I'd gladly spend the rest of the night on the phone with him, weaving fantasies, using my voice and my words to make him come again and again, thousands of miles away from me. And never mind Warren waiting for me in bed.
Warren. I went back to bed quietly, in case he had fallen asleep again, but he was awake and waiting. Put his arms around me, kissed me on the mouth. It was almost like a dream holding him, stroking the soft feathers of his wings, folded onto his back now. Years ago it *had* been a dream, a recurring one that I hoped and prayed he'd never know I had. How odd, after all that time of longing to touch him, that I could now. Odder still that now that I finally could - now that I'd finally had him, felt those wings beating under me - I wished it were someone else in my arms.
"What was that all about?" he asked, in between kisses, holding my ass now, pressed hard against me. I didn't answer right away. He took his hands off of me and moved back a little, looking right at me, questions in his eyes. "It wasn't business, was it?"
"No, not really. He is on the Saskatchewan project - he's heading it up. You don't know him. He was an X-Man for about two minutes, and long after you left."
"So he's with Alpha Flight now? Is he Canadian?"
"Yes, he's Canadian, but no, he isn't with Alpha Flight. He's sort of neutral. He's got ties to both teams - ours because he worked with us briefly, Alpha Flight because he's a friend of Mac Hudson's. But he doesn't really belong to either group - he's just doing this one assignment. He's not much of a joiner."
"And what is he to you?" Again I didn't say anything right away. "Hey, Scott, you can tell me. Things haven't changed between us, have they? We're still friends, right? I know what this is" - gesturing to himself and then to me - "and what it isn't. It was good, real good." Warren reached to stroke my cock, started to make me hard again. "I'd like to do it again. But it's no romance. It's just us: Angel and Cyclops, like always. You can tell me about your boyfriend. I'm not going to be jealous."
"He's not my boyfriend and I wasn't worried you'd be jealous, Warren. You made it clear you just wanted to see what it's like. Not the reaction I anticipated, by the way. I'm still really new at coming out to people and never know what to expect but I have to say your response was the most surprising yet. Now I wish I'd come out to you when we were in school. If I'd known that would be your reaction I sure would have. You can't imagine how often I jerked off thinking about you."
"I wish I had known. Or at least I like knowing that now. Can't vouch for how I would have reacted then, though. I don't know that I was so open-minded."
"Yeah, it's not a great age for being open-minded on this topic."
"Do your students know? Are they giving you a hard time?"
"Some are. I have really been trying to be more out, more honest. It's hard for me, for a variety of reasons. A few of the kids haven't taken it too well. I've had three boys switch to other advisors - I guess they don't want to be alone with me. Which is just so fucked up. None of the girls were afraid to have closed-door advisement sessions when they thought I was straight. Ah, well, I should really just be happy to be relieved of the work. I was advisor to more students than anybody else was. This equalizes it a bit."
"But it's lousy, Scott. You're a wonderful teacher and a great advisor."
"Thanks. Anyway, it's not all of them. And I like to think that there must be some gay kids who are benefiting from having an out teacher. Oh, and this one boy - Oliver. He was virulently homophobic when he got here and had a hard, hard time when he found out I'm gay - at least partly my fault since I hadn't come out to him and he found out by accident. So, it wasn't just me being gay but me having lied to him that was bothering him. But, anyway, I apologized for not being honest and he's really been working hard on overcoming this. We've been working on it together. And he stuck by me when those other kids transferred, so that felt good."
"Well, I give you credit for having the courage to come out after all this time. And, anyway, it gave me a chance to try something new with an old friend. I've been curious about being with a man. For a long time now."
"So, what's it like? What's your considered opinion now, as the voice of experience?"
"It's different - in a good way, in an interesting way. When you sucked me off before, it wasn't like a woman doing it at all. You knew what to do in a different kind of way. You understand a man's body the way a woman can't. I could tell when you're sucking me that you know what it feels like to have it done to you."
"Yeah, I give informed head." He laughed at that. "Are you okay about being fucked?" I asked him. "No regrets? I was surprised you asked for that. It's not something that men usually do the first time, you know. Fucking? Maybe. Being fucked? No."
"Gee, now you tell me. After I give up my virginity to you. Of a sort." This time I was the one laughing. "It felt really good. I thought it would hurt, but it didn't. Informed fucking, too, I suppose?" I nodded. "So, are you changing the subject to you and me because you don't want to talk about Mr. Canada? Hey, it's up to you. I'm sure we can think of other things to talk about, other things to do. " He put his arms around me again, kissed me briefly, then tried once more. He never could just let a topic drop. "It's still me, Scott. How many times have I confided in you about my lovers? With all the women I've told you about, you could tell me what's going on with this one man. I know when to keep my mouth shut."
"I'm not worried about that. I just don't know what to say about Logan. We were very close for a while. We were friends; we were lovers. It didn't work out. It was kind of an odd relationship, I guess. We didn't know each other very well when we first started having sex. We were really hot for each other, but we're so different - in temperament, interests. And just ways of dealing with people. So, maybe it was kind of doomed from the start.
"So, what to say? An old and boring story and nothing particularly distinctive about it. I loved him so much. Not wisely, but too well. He didn't love me. Or maybe he did - I don't know. Certainly not like I loved him. I'll get over it. I'm still kind of raw, though, feeling a little wounded. And talking to him just now brought up a lot of those feelings."
"Anything I can do to make you feel better?"
"Yeah. Turn over."
It was so different than with Logan. I was fucking him, not being fucked, which made for a significant difference. On top of him, pushing my dick into his ass, my hand stroking him like Logan used to do me. And then there were the wings - lovely to feel them under me, just kind of soft and fluttery. Then beating harder when he got close to coming, and suddenly pushing way up and out as he came, so that I had to push down hard with my whole body just to stay on him and in him.
And there was the whole dimension of using condoms. I'd never needed to with Logan and didn't even have any. When he'd asked me to fuck him, I told him that I didn't think we should do it unprotected. But Warren had taken a couple of condoms out of his wallet, commenting that I had been the Boy Scout but he was the one who was always prepared. I laughed and reminded him of the time a condom had fallen out of his wallet in physics class when he was paying me back some money he had borrowed. We were all sure that Charles was totally scandalized, although he hadn't said anything but, "Mr. Worthington? I believe you dropped something."
That element was different, too. Just the whole experience of sex with an old friend, with someone I had all that history with. Like with Jean, a little, but different, too. Different because he's a man, different because we hadn't seen each other for a long time, different because the two of us had talked about sex for years and years (even though I'd mostly lied to him, at least about what I wanted to do). It lent an air of intimacy and camaraderie to the friendship that made the first time not seem so strange or new in some ways.
The big difference, though, was just that he wasn't Logan. Fucking Warren felt wonderful but I wanted to be with Logan. My mind kept straying back to his voice on the phone, to imagining him in his room in that big old house. I had to work hard on staying in the present moment, keeping my mind on Warren. I was moving hard and fast now, talking to him a little, kissing and nibbling the back of his neck. He was so tight and I was loving moving in and out of him. I hadn't done this to a man for years and it felt great. I drifted back to Logan for a minute there, wondering if he would have let me fuck him if I'd ever asked. No, concentrate on Warren. I took hold of both of his hands and pushed into him as hard as I could, again and again. He was saying "Yes, Scott" and "Just like that" and pretty soon I was coming deep inside him, still holding his hands. I didn't let go right away, just lying there on his back, his wings moving softly under me, catching my breath. Then I pulled out, careful of the condom.
Went back to the bathroom to get rid of it. Saw the cordless phone there where I'd forgotten it. I picked it up, itching again to call him. And say what? "I just fucked an old friend I'd had a crush on all through high school. I've had more wet dreams about Warren than I've had hot meals in my life and finally I get to do him and I still can't get my mind off of you." No, I think not. I took the phone back to the bedroom and put it in its cradle.
I went back to bed, noticing that Warren was asleep now. I put my arms around him and he snuggled into me in his sleep. Holding him felt so different than holding Logan. I missed the feel of the metal inside, felt like I needed it. I'd become so accustomed to the force and the weight of the adamantium in Logan that Warren's body seemed light and almost insubstantial by comparison.
I glanced at the clock. No point thinking about calling Logan. He was surely asleep by now. Me, I just couldn't go to sleep. I got out of bed and sat in the big armchair, legs drawn up close to me, arms round them, head on my knees. Thought about Logan, my mind on that "zealous pilgrimage". Tried to figure out when I could call Saskatchewan, when I could go there even, without it seeming like I was going for him and not the project. Wondered a little whether I was trying to fool him or myself. Finally I gave up on sleeping, thinking:
"Lo, thus, by day my limbs, by night my mind,
For thee, and for myself, no quiet find."
I wondered if Logan was finding quiet, wondered when I would again.
I pulled on some sweats. Left a note for Warren saying I was in my office and I'd see him at breakfast. If I couldn't sleep, there were always papers to grade, lectures to prepare, endless paperwork. I might as well get up and get to work.
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