Continuing Education: Cooperative Learning
Chapter 4
by
Mo
Disclaimer: The movie belongs to Fox. The X-Men belong to Marvel. Commodore Perry belongs to history. Oliver, Yasuko, Yukio and a bunch of other characters in Westchester, Saskatchewan, Belarus and elsewhere are the products of my fevered imagination. Well, by this point, so are Scott and Logan, to some extent. I hope their basic characters are still evident but they have grown and changed somewhat with all I've put them through. I think Bryan Singer could still recognize them, but he might wonder what the hell they're doing.
"Assassination?" I asked, turning around to face him. "Is that what we're talking about?"
"I don't know. Does it count as assassination? Or is it just murder? I'm not sure what the criteria are. Does he have to be a public figure to make it an assassination? You have more experience with this than I do." Sounding bitter and angry, but I couldn't tell if it was me he was mad at.
"It's not exactly something I'm proud of, you know," I said, looking at him kind of warily.
"I know that," he said. "I'm sorry, Logan. I didn't mean to sound insensitive. It's just that this is all new to me."
"Yeah, I know. Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Oh, yes. There are few things in my life I've been more sure of."
"I don't know, Scott. I know how you feel about killing. I'm thinking you might not realize how this could affect you. I tell you ñ I'm worried."
"Don't worry about me. I'll be okay once he's dead. I'll be more than okay. Until then, well I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for not killing him when I had the chance." He practically spat out that last part.
"That was more my fault than yours, you know. I thought you'd want to leave him alive."
"Oh, I know that, Logan. And I appreciate that you were trying to conform to my standards. Or what you thought were my standards. You were just going by what I'd said; you had no way of knowing I wanted him dead. But let's face it - we both know I could have killed him then if I'd wanted to." He turned away from me. "If I'd had the courage to. Once my eyes were open, I knew where he was. I could have adjusted my aim." He paused a long time, thinking. When he spoke again the bitter tone was back. "You don't know how much I wish I had. I have a lot of regrets, a lot of things in my life I wish I hadn't done, wish I could turn time back on. Still, I don't think there's anything I wish I could do over as much as that day."
I wasn't sure what to say. "Scott," I started, hand on his shoulder, "I think we both made a mistake. You're right ñ we probably should have killed him when we had the chance. But it'll be different if we track him down now." He turned back, looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to explain myself. "You know, I've killed a lot of people. And I can't say I even regret it much. Well, the Weapon X years I do, but more for being under the control of those bastards than for the people who died. I'm sure that seems sick to you. It does to me, too, a little. But it's how I feel. Anyway, other than that time it was usually in battle or in self-defense. Or defending somebody else. Almost never in cold blood. I've done that if I had to. Well, if I thought I had to, thought the guy needed killing. But it's different. So different. It changes you, Scott, I'm telling you. It changes you ways you don't want to change." He didn't say anything. I tried to figure out another way to explain it to him. "Look, Scott, you're not like me. You're not a killer. Hell, it wasn't that long ago you said you're against capital punishment, even."
"I'm still against capital punishment. I don't want the State to kill him. I want to do it myself. He needs killing, Logan."
"You're not getting any argument from me on that. I'm just thinking about you, Scott. He needs killing but do you need to be the one who kills him? I don't think you really know what that could do to you."
He looked away again. "It's got to be me. I'm the only one who can. You know that. I'll be okay. Hell, Logan, I could kill him just for what he did to you. Never mind the rest of it."
"You don't need to do this for my sake. I don't need an avenger. I can settle my own scores." He didn't say anything. I wondered what he was thinking. "Look, why don't we think about other ways of dealing with him? At least we should consider other options. Maybe we could turn him in to the RCMP. If he ends up locked up forever, what do we care if he's alive? He's no threat to anyone then."
"Turn him in for what?" he asked, voice rising. "For killing your family 100 years ago? For raping you 60 years ago? How do you think that would go over? They'd think we were insane. He'd never be convicted of anything."
"Well, there's the time he kidnapped you. That's still a crime, isn't it?"
"A crime with no evidence. That took place over two years ago and that we didn't even report at the time. And the only dead body on the scene was the guy you killed to save me. If I hadn't been such a coward there would have been two bodies there and we wouldn't even be having this conversation." He was really yelling now.
"Scott, calm down. It wasn't cowardice. You know that, we both do. It was a mistake, I'll give you that, but it's one we both made. And we wouldn't have if we'd known more then."
He started crying and I put my arms around him. "I'm so sorry, Logan," he sobbed. "I wish I'd known. If I'd had any idea what he'd done to you, I wouldn't have left him alive. I swear I wouldn't have."
I told him I knew that, held him, tried to comfort him. He just held on to me, crying hard now, telling me again and again that he wished he'd done Sabretooth back then.
Part of me thought we had to go ahead and do it, that the only way he was going to feel he really was making up for that time was if he killed him now. But there was another voice in my head saying this just wasn't something he was cut out for. He'd spent half his life trying not to kill people. I didn't know if he could change that now and come out of this whole.
"Look, Scott" I said, finally. "How about if we don't make a decision on this yet? Let's go ahead and find him and then figure out what to do. Maybe we find he's dead or in prison already, anyway. Why don't you talk to Mac and see what he knows? And I'll talk to the professor, ask him if he'd help me find him. I think he'll be less concerned hearing it from me."
He considered that for a minute. "Don't you think he'll pick up your thoughts?"
"Fine if he does. He's been in my brain enough to know how I think. He's not gonna be alarmed to find I've got murderous feelings about that guy. And if he's picking up my thoughts then he'll know that I don't know what we should do, too. But he'll understand that I need to know where he is, need to know he's not a threat to you. Hey, I'm sure he wants to know that, too. As for the rest of it, let's wait and see. And if we decide to go ahead I'm not sure it has to be you doing him. There has to be other ways to kill him. There's time to think about that. Let's just take this one step at a time." He nodded. "That makes sense." And then, after a minute, "Hey, Logan, what's wrong with this picture?" He was smiling now.
"You mean me being the calm and rational one?" He nodded again. "Yeah, I noticed. And this role reversal shit is pretty stressful, you know. So let's not do it too often."
He laughed at that. "I'll try to remember that. Sorry I got so carried away about it. Okay, so we play it by ear. I still think we're going to need to kill him, but we don't have to make any firm decisions now."
I lay back on the hearth and he got on top of me. Stretched out on me, head on my chest. We just held each other like that for a long time, not saying anything. Then he said, "Logan? What you said about killing in cold blood changing you. Is that what happened with Yukio?"
I thought about it for a while. "Not the same way I meant when we were talking before, but sort of. It wasn't self-defense, anyway."
"Defending someone else?"
I didn't know how to answer that one. "Well, maybe, but in a strange way. Defending Yukio, I guess. He wanted me to do it." He didn't say anything. "Do you want the whole story?"
"Yeah. That's probably why I've been bringing him into the conversation every chance I get." I laughed at that. "Do you feel ready to talk? Do you remember it all now?"
"I think so," I said slowly. "There's parts I'm still trying to understand, but I remember it. Not sure how to start, though."
"Start at the beginning. What were you doing in Japan?"
"I was in the Navy. They sent me there."
"Which Navy?"
"U.S."
He lifted his head up from my chest, looking me in the face. "Nineteenth-century Japan? U.S. Navy? You weren't on the Perry expedition, were you?"
I told him I was and he kind of whistled. "Really?" he asked. I nodded. "What ship?"
"The Susquehanna. Why?"
"I don't know. It's just kind of blowing my mind. I feel like that sometimes when you talk about your experience in both World Wars, too. It's just odd to think that the guy I'm in love with is kind of a walking history lesson or something." I guess I scowled at that, because he got all concerned about what he said. "I'm sorry, Logan. I don't mean that like it came out. I know this is your life. I'm taking it seriously, not trivializing it. It's justÖit feels strange sometimes, hearing this stuff." He got off of me and sat up, cross-legged.
"Yeah? Well it feels strange sometimes living it, too." I sat up, too. Looked away from him, into the fire. Having trouble talking now. "I didn't have any idea about any of this for a long time, you know. The amnesia ñ well, I had no idea how old I am. And then when I found out about Weapon X I thought that was kind of it, you know?"
"You thought that was the worst there could be, right?"
"Yeah, but that's not all. I thought there wouldn't be much more to find out. And then I'd remember something earlier and earlier. And I got so I was sort of wondering how far back it was gonna go. So, it's kind of a relief to remember stuff from before I came into my powers. Just sort of knowing there's a limit ñ there's not that much more to remember."
"Can you remember back to your childhood now?" he asked.
"Not early childhood, but teen years." I kept looking in the fire. He kneeled behind me, started rubbing my shoulders again. I told him it felt good, that it helped.
"You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to," he said.
"I know. I do want to tell you. Maybe you can help me understand some of it. You're good at that." I thought back some for a while. "Lean up against me again, Scott, like before." He did, kissed me on the back of the neck. "I don't really remember anything about my family from when I was a kid. I guess it wasn't great at home, 'though, cause I ran away and joined the Navy. Lied about my age. It was easy ñ no driver's licenses or social security numbers back then. And I always looked older than I was ñ funny to think about that now, eh?"
"Yeah, that's sure changed." He stayed pressed up against me like that, nuzzling my neck, talking in my ear. "So you were like Oliver? Looking like a grown man when you were still a kid?"
I nodded. "Yeah. I can see that's been hard for him ñ people expect you to act like you look, you know? I guess it was hard for me, too. I hated the Navy, hated following orders. Maybe I didn't have time enough to just be a kid. Or maybe it didn't have anything to do with being young. Maybe that's just my personality. Well, I put up with it for as long as I could. I jumped ship in Japan."
"You deserted?"
"Yeah. Lots of times. Different armies, different countries. Hey, maybe I've got the record for that. I'll have to look it up in Guinness. That was the first time, anyway. I couldn't hack it anymore and I figured it would be easy to just get totally lost in a foreign country. Not really thinking that one through. I had no idea what it would be like to be a foreigner in a country where I didn't speak the language, didn't know the customs. A country that had been pretty much closed to outsiders for a long time. And where even if I did learn how to behave I'd still stand out like a sore thumb just 'cause of how I look. I just knew I couldn't stand taking another order. Like I say ñ maybe it's just my personality."
He chuckled a little. "Yeah, I've sort of noticed that about you." And then, after a minute, "But you haven't had any problems on the team with that, have you?"
"Nah. Well, maybe I should've been fucking the commodore back then and I wouldn't've minded being in the Navy." Scott laughed at that. "On the other hand, he might have had something to say about that."
"I suppose so." He put his arms around me. "So you deserted in Japan. And you met Yukio?" I nodded. "And you were lovers? Was that your first time with a man, Logan?"
"Yeah. I'd heard of men doing it together. Believe me, you can't be in the Navy and not know about that going on. But it was looked down on, mostly kind of a dirty joke or something. Or something guys did when there weren't women around. And then I'm with Yukio and he taught me all about it. That it could be something else. Something honorable and important. That loving each other could make you braver and you could learn stuff from your lover. Like I told you, they believed in it."
"Did they stay together? Samurai lovers?"
"No. It was like a stage in life or something. Like you said with the Greeks. First you'd be the younger partner and you'd learn from your lover. Then later on you'd be the one teaching some younger guy. And eventually you marry a woman and have kids. Continue the line."
"But you thought you and Yukio would stay together?"
"Well, I was young and stupid, I guess. You know, the guys on my ship really looked down on the Japanese. They thought they weren't as strong as us, as brave. Or as smart, even. But Yukio was the bravest man I'd ever met. And the most honorable. And knew more than all those guys combined. I really loved him. And I believed he loved me. And besides, he was already stepping out of what was expected being with me. I wasn't a samurai. I wasn't even Japanese. So, I thought we'd stay together."
"You said you believed it. Looking back now, what do you think? Did he love you?"
I thought about it a minute. "Yeah, he did. I don't really doubt that. It just gets me all fucked up to think about it."
"What do you mean?" I didn't answer him at first and after a while it sort of hit him. "How old were you, Logan? When you were with Yukio."
"Sixteen. Two years in the navy, but I was still a kid, even if I didn't look it." He didn't say anything. "See what I mean? Yukio knew the truth ñ I told him how old I was. He thought that was fine. Here he was this grown man fucking a sixteen-year-old kid. I hate people who do that. But when I remember him that's not what it feels like. I remember him being good to me, teaching me, loving me. I don't know how to make sense of it."./"Well, autre temps autre moeurs. There and then it was okay, right? It doesn't mean it's a good thing now."
"Some things are just good or bad all the time. How do you feel about the guys who used Oliver?"
He didn't answer right away. Finally he said, "It's different, I think, Logan. In a lot of ways. And maybe being sixteen was different then, too. I think it was different for me, even, than it is now. You know I've told you that I hated that time I was on my own but I still feel like I got some good out of it. And I have some good feelings about the few guys who were nice to me."
"Well, I don't. I could kill them all, Scott, all those men. They had no business having sex with a kid."
"I'm not disagreeing with that part. I just don't think they need to die for it. And I'm acknowledging that there were positive aspects to it." Neither of us said anything, just looking into the fire. "Look, maybe that's too emotionally charged an example. Let me try another one. When Charles came and got me I felt like I was just saved, you know? I couldn't believe my luck. I would have done anything for him. I worked so hard at being an X-Man, at forming the team, at the missions he sent us on. I really wanted to make him proud. Same for Jean and Hank and Warren ñ we all wanted to.
"But Logan, we don't have kids on the team now. We're so careful to make sure they finish school, make sure we all agree they're ready before we offer them a spot on the team. We talk it over endlessly before we do. You've been in on some of those meetings ñ you know how seriously we take the decision to offer a space on the team. That one time that Oliver came to Saskatchewan we emphasized again and again that it was just temporary and we were only sending him because it wasn't a combat mission. And made sure he was always under adult supervision.
"I don't think sixteen-year-old kids should be sent into battle. I think it's a terrible thing, a crime, really. But I don't think Charles was a criminal for sending us to fight. We were all he had. And it was so much better than what my life had been. So at the same time I'm happy and grateful for what he gave me but I want something different ñ something better ñ for the kids I'm responsible for now. Does that make any sense?" I thought about it a little. "Yeah, it does. I never really thought about it like that. Like I said, you help me understand stuff. You've taught me a lot, you know."
"Like Yukio?" he asked, kind of a teasing voice.
I answered him seriously. "I think it's different with you and me. We teach each other."
I felt him nodding his head. "That's what makes for a mature relationship, don't you think?" He kissed me on the shoulder. "We're a good team, Logan. We learn a lot from each other." We just stayed there quiet for a while and then he asked again. "So what happened to Yukio? Why did he want you to kill him?"
"We were attacked. He came out of nowhere. Two of us against one of him and still we were no match for him. Huge, bigger than anybody I'd ever seen. Stronger than any ten men, he seemed more animal than man. We had no idea where he came from, what he was. And before we knew it he'd just like ripped us apart, left us there bleeding and dying."
"Sabretooth?" he asked, holding me tighter, knowing the answer to his question.
I nodded and continued. "And there we were. Dying, I thought. More pain than I'd ever known, anyway. Yukio right next to me, in no better shape, telling me he's sorry he failed me. I told him I loved him. It's the first time I ever said it ñ they didn't talk like that there. Not that I ever heard. I didn't even know how to say it in Japanese ñ Yukio had told me he loved me by how he treated me, never in words. But we were dying and it seemed important to say it. So I said it in English. He wouldn't know what it meant, I knew, but I did.
"And thenÖ Well, I guess I blacked out for a while. And when I woke up I was feeling better. It's like the pain was sort of disappearing or fading into the background or something. At first I thought maybe that's what happens when you die, but then I looked down at my body and my wounds were just closing up, healing."
"You came into your powers," he said, voice full of wonder. "God, Logan. It's classic ñ mid-teens, traumatic event. But you couldn't have had any idea what was happening."
"Not a clue. But, there I was. And within minutes it was like it had never happened." I closed my eyes. "To me, anyway. But Yukio's still lying there. Horrible pain. Horrible shame, too, for letting that guy do what he did to us. And Yukio asked me to finish him off. He could barely talk. I can still hear him, Scott, his voice a desperate whisper. I don't know if it was the pain or the dishonor, really, that made him want to die right then. But I knew he couldn't survive. If I thought there was a chance he could've lived, I don't think I would've done it.
"But the wounds, the blood loss ñ there was nothing I could do to help him. And death, a good death, was important to him. To them. It was a big part of bushido ñ the way of the samurai. 'One who is a samurai must before all things keep constantly in mindÖthe fact that he has to die.' I had to do it, Scott." I could feel tears falling on my face now. "It was my responsibility as his lover, part of being a warrior pair. And I knew I never really could be that with him. I wasn't samurai, wasn't Japanese. But I could give him what he needed right then." He was pressed up against me, stroking my hair now, telling me he understood. "So, I reached down to him, to get his sword. But my handÖsuddenly there they were and I didn't need the sword."
"The claws? They came out?"
"Yeah," I said, popping the claws on my right hand, holding it up and looking at them. "They weren't like this, you know. Just bone, but strong and sharp. I didn't know what they were or where they came from. I hadn't made them come out. Well, not consciously. They were just there. And he was lying there asking me to do it and it seemed like a dream or something. And I just stuck them right in his heart.
"He shook a little and then he was still. I pulled my hand back and they came out of his body. I didn't even know how to retract them ñ just looked at those bloody sharp pieces of bone sticking out of my hand. And then got down on my knees and held him and cried and told him I loved him."
He didn't say anything for a while. "It's like you told me," he said finally. "Anything bad happens and there he is." He paused again. "We've got to get rid of him, once and for all."
"We agreed to take this slow, right? Figure it out as we go."
"Yeah, I'm not going back on that. I wouldn't want you to have to strain yourself being calm and rational again." I chuckled at that. "I'm just saying that's where I think we're going."
"Okay." The fire was dying down now. "Come on, Cyclops," I said, standing up and pulling him up by the hand. "I've had enough of talking about the past. Let's go to Mac's bedroom and come up with some new memories for this place."
He gave me that big grin of his. "Remember you said you'd be touching me this time."
"Oh, yeah. You're going to feel me all over you."
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