Adult Education: Truancy
Chapter 2
by
Mo
Acknowledgements: As always, a great debt of thanks is due to LS and SW, tireless researchers, beta readers, and helpers of all kinds.
If he had just said he wasn't interested in me anymore, I would have accepted that. Same for if he had said that he had somebody else. At least, I think I would have accepted it. It's certainly something that had been in the back of my mind for a long time. He doesn't exactly have a great track record on long term relationships.
For at least the first year we were together I was pretty much braced to hear from him that he was moving on. It was only lately that the fear of losing him that way had moved to the back of my mind. And it resurfaced with a vengeance when he started avoiding me.
So I was kind of prepared for hearing that he was done, but not like this. Not with Logan telling me that he was doing it for my sake, not with him parroting Charles's idiotic idea that I'd be better off without him. Not with him seeming so depressed; not with him touching me so longingly, so sadly. It was as if he were breaking up with me in spite of himself, not because it was something he wanted to do. So, no, I didn't just go quietly.
I thought I'd try to talk to him after poetry class the next day. I figured the classroom was sort of neutral ground, and we could talk there afterwards or go for a walk or something. He had seemed really fragile the night before and I didn't want to put pressure on him. I worried that if I pushed too hard he might fall apart altogether. Still, I wanted to understand better how he had made this decision. And if he truly thought this was better for me, I wanted a chance to try to convince him otherwise.
I looked for Logan hopefully in class but he never showed up. I caught up with him later in the Danger Room, but he was busy with students and said he didn't have time to talk. So, I found myself knocking on his door again in the evening. He didn't look happy to see it was me.
"What do you want, Cyclops?" he said, sitting in the armchair again. He looked away from me.
"I just wanted to see if you're okay. You weren't in class this afternoon."
"I think I've had enough poetry." That flat tone, his face turned to the wall.
"Logan, please," I said, trying not to sound desperate. "Talk to me. Tell me what's happening to you. Don't give up on me so easily. Don't give up on us."
He didn't say anything for a long time. I felt like there was something going on inside him, like he was at war with himself on what to say. He was looking at me now, eyes pleading. But then the dead look came back and he spoke to me in that same flat tone. "I'm done with you. I thought I made that clear yesterday." Neither of us said anything for a couple of minutes. Then he added, "I think you'd better go now."
"I'm sorry, Logan," I said. "You're right. You shouldn't have to tell me twice. It's not like I've never heard that from anybody before. I think my problem was that you're the first man that ever talked to me like that who didn't pay me first."
He didn't say anything but he looked like it hurt. At that moment I hoped it did. I just wanted to feel like I could have some effect on him. I didn't want to cause him pain, not really. But right then it just seemed like indifference would have been so much worse. I turned around and walked out. I thought I heard him call my name as I left, but I didn't stay to make sure.
***
What I really wanted to do right then was go yell at Charles. That's what I had wanted to do since the night before, when I first realized he'd had a hand in Logan's changed attitude towards me. Unfortunately Charles was away, on yet another trip to Washington. This wasn't something I wanted to talk to him about over the phone.
I thought of heading over to the Danger Room and working off some of my frustration and anger in training. But I knew there would be students there, as well as other teachers, and I just didn't feel like I wanted to be "on" right at that moment. So, I went back to my room for trunks and swim goggles and headed to the pool.
It was a good decision. Swimming laps always puts me into a sort of trance-like state and I needed to relax. Only thing is I get so relaxed I become fairly unaware of my surroundings. I don't know how long Jean was there, watching me swim. I stopped for a minute at the shallow end and there she was, just sitting on the side. Pant legs rolled up over her knees, feet dangling in the water. Flowing red hair and sympathetic smile. "Hi," I said. "How long have you been here?"
"A while. What's up? How come you're here all by yourself?"
I shrugged. "No reason in particular. I felt like swimming."
"Oh, come on. Scott 'Never Swim Alone' Summers? Who has swimming pool drowning stats at the tips of his fingers at all times and scares the students half to death with them?"
I shrugged again. "I've decided to live dangerously. Who knows where this will end? Maybe I'll go a day without flossing or something."
She laughed. "Do you want me to count laps for you?"
"Just like old times?"
"Well, without sex by the side of the pool afterwards." I smiled at that and went back to swimming. After a while she tapped me on the shoulder, told me I'd done a mile since she came in. I got out and toweled off.
"Feel better?"
"Fine."
"What's going on, Scott? What's with you and Logan?"
"Nothing. Nothing at all. It's over. I've been dumped. I'm working on dealing with it gracefully." I stopped to think what else to say. "I'm not quite there yet," I added ruefully. "In fact, I was pretty awful to Logan just now. I'll try to do better in future. I can learn from your example."
She smiled at that and then reached out her arms. We hugged each other for a few minutes. "I can't believe it's over between you two. It's so obvious he loves you."
"Get with the times, Jean. That's old news. Well, actually, according to Logan, he never did love me. He's not capable of loving anybody and it's better for me if we have a clean break. He sounds just like Charles when he says that, too. Makes me feel like hitting him."
"Who? Logan or Charles?"
"Take your pick. You'd think Logan could come up with his own damn exit line. You'd think Charles could realize I'm a little too old to have him meddling in my love life. And of course they've both decided what's better for me and my opinion on the matter is wholly irrelevant. Although, truth be told, I don't know what Logan's really thinking. Maybe he just lost interest and this is his weird idea of letting me down easy. What do you think?"
"I don't know what to think. I do know he loves you, Scott. Anyone would know that. Just by the way he looks at you, for one thing."
"He doesn't look at me, Jean. He avoids being anywhere near me. I'm telling you ñ you're behind the times."
"You're wrong. You have no idea how wrong you are. He's always looking at you, Scott. Or listening to you. Even from a distance. It's obvious to anyone ñ not just a telepath. But it seems like it's always from a distance lately. I never see you together any more. I figured something had happened between you and him."
"Well, if something happened I don't know what it was. He's been distant since he started working with Charles on recovering some of his lost years. I was just trying to give him time ñ figured he'd share what's going on when he was ready. And then it was becoming more and more clear that he didn't want to be near me. He just told me it's over yesterday. I tried to argue with him tonight, but he was pretty damn clear on wanting nothing to do with me any more. Hence recklessly swimming alone, I guess. The Scott Summers version of drowning my sorrows."
"Maybe he found something out? Some memory? Maybe it's something he thinks will disappoint you and you won't want to be with him any more. So, he's rejecting you first.
"Or maybe it is Charles's influence, like you said. He has never been comfortable with the idea of you and Logan. I used to think Charles was just being protective of me, hoping you and I would get back together, but that's not it. I know he understands how it is with us now.
"I don't know, Scott. Something happened to Logan. He's broadcasting like crazy. Love, pain, fear ñ and all of it centered on you."
"Well, I wish he'd tell me what happened. And I wish Charles would mind his own damn business. And I wish he would get back here so I can tell him so. And now I'm all worked up again and taking it out on you. I'm sorry, Jean."
She touched my arm and smiled reassuringly. "Don't be sorry. What are friends for? Charles is coming back in a couple of days and you can yell at him then, if you really want to. We can even tag team yell at him. Or at least ask him what he knows. Maybe Logan will open up to you soon. In the meantime, why don't you swim another mile? I'll count laps. And watch to make sure you don't drown."
***
When I got back to my room, he was there, waiting for me. Standing by the window, looking at me. I glared at him. "I knock on your door, you know. You could do the same when you come to my room."
"I did. You weren't here." Then, before I could say anything, "Yeah, I know. I could've come back later. I didn't, okay? Who were you swimming with?"
"Nobody. Jean hung out with me and counted laps for a while."
"That's my job." He was giving me that teasing smile I hadn't seen for a long time. I hadn't seen him smile at all for a long time. I think a day ago I would have been relieved and happy to see him smiling at me. Now I was just mad.
"It was her job long before you showed up, Logan."
The smile went away. "I know that. Sometimes I forget, though." Neither of us said anything for a while. "You going back to her?" he asked, finally.
I laughed. "Are you kidding?" He looked like he wasn't. "I think you're overestimating your impact on me, Logan. I'm not going to somehow stop being gay just because you dumped me. Maybe being with a man is an aberration for you. It isn't for me. Jean understands that. I thought you did, too."
"It's not an aberration for me. It's just different than it is for you, I guess."
He didn't say anything more. "What do you want, Logan?"
"I'm not like those guys. It wasn't right to say I am."
Suddenly I wasn't mad any more, thinking of how I'd hurt him, wishing I hadn't said it. "You're right. It was a lousy thing to say. I'm sorry, Logan. I was just saying to Jean I should learn from her example, accept this with grace." He just stood there. I walked up to him, put my arms around him, whispered in his ear. "But I'm not. Accepting it at all, never mind with grace. I just don't believe you don't want me any more." He kept his hands by his sides, fists clenched. "I still want you. Don't say you're done with me. Please." I took his hand, put it to my crotch. "See what you do to me, Logan. Remember what you said about desire always being there, even when things were bad between us? It's still there for me. I can't believe it isn't for you."
"This isn't a good idea," he said, shaking his head. But he didn't take his hand away.
"It's a great idea. Charles doesn't know what he's talking about." I kissed him then. He kissed me back, hand still holding my cock through my trunks, stroking now. Then he got down on his knees, pulling the trunks off of me, kissing and stroking my thighs, then licking all over my balls while he worked my cock with his hand. "Yes, Logan. Please." I wasn't worrying about sounding desperate anymore. That was good, because I'm sure I did.
"I can't stay away from you. I thought I could. I was working on it, getting good at it. Least ways, I thought I was. And now I'm right back where I started. I need you, Scott," he said, his voice full of pain and longing. Then he started sucking me. I held him by the back of the head and pushed in and out, hard and fast. He was sucking hard and his hands were all over me, everywhere he could reach. He was making these noises, almost more like a hum than anything else. I kept pushing in deep and hard, worried a little I might be hurting him. But the feeling was too good and too intense and it crowded out the worry. I pushed all the way in when I came, his face pressed against me, my hands in his hair.
I sat down on the floor afterwards and he sat next to me, leaning in to kiss my neck and ear. "I don't know what to do," he said. "I can't stay away."
"It's okay to need me, Logan. Don't stay away." I started to undress him, kissing him on the shoulders and chest. "Why would you want to stay away? We're so good together. I'll take whatever you've got to give. It's not love? Okay. It's still great sex; it's still friendship. It's enough."
He didn't answer me, just finished taking off his clothes and told me to lie face down on the floor. And fucked me so slowly that it was almost like he wanted it to last forever. His hands moving up and down me, his tongue all over my face, my neck, my shoulders. I felt him moving inside me, felt his tears falling on my back. I told him it would be okay, then took his hand and put it to my mouth, sucked hard on his fingers. "I can't stay away," he said again. And then he said nothing more. Silence and tears.
I felt loved, no matter what he said. I felt warm and cared for. Worried for him, wishing he'd tell me what's wrong but thinking what he felt for me was strong enough, that we'd work it out somehow. And then finally he came deep inside me. He pulled out of me and we held each other for a while there, on the floor. I was still feeling good, still feeling like it was going to be okay. And then he kissed me and said, softly and sadly, "It's too hard, Scott, too hard to stay away from you. It's always gonna be too hard, long as I'm here." I shivered. All the warmth was gone.
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