I'm not sure where to start, hon. Logan left ten days ago--I know where he is and I even know how long he'll be there. In fact, if I leave right now, I can catch him before he hits Montreal. So--well, it's almost over.
So you're wondering what I've been doing for the last month or so? Yeah, promises, promises--so I suck. I'm used to it.
Jubes, there's some things that have happened, and I've been trying to just--I don't know, mark time or something. Get my head back on straight, kind of deal--it was really weird, because I was thinking I was handling everything pretty well, I did. I mean--I thought it was behind me. And it really was--the whole Great Contact Mystery was pretty much solved, Specter was on the run and all--and Logan only a drive away.
So what is keeping me here? And I'm sitting in a bar, trying to drink a beer while I write this, because there is no way on God's green earth that I'll be able to do it sober.
Specter is currently cooling his heels with Amy's contacts--they're sending him to New York for the Professor to question.
Okay, I said it, and Jubes, whatever you're thinking right now--just stop, okay? Just sit somewhere quiet and read the rest of this, then burn it or blow it up or--or something. I think--you see, I don't know anything anymore.
And I'm confusing the hell out of you, aren't I?
The girl from Chicago was found dead in Calgary in early September--I found out in the paper, of all places--she and the lawyer both, if what I read was correct, and I had Amy verify for me through a few channels that I don't think Xavier knows about--he got the info faxed to him so he can decide if I can--if I should come home. I sent him everything that's relevant, so Jubes, don't--don't share this. This is you and me, kay? No one else, not ever. Some of it he knows--but some of it he doesn't. And he can't, no one can, not ever.
Shit, I'm crying again.
Okay. I'm going to try. But if I screw this up, it goes in the trash.
Her name was Alice--a telepath, really fucking strong, like amazing, with a history of mental dominance of those around her. Anyway, she apparently didn't originate in Chicago--she came from Des Moines and contacted Amy, a rescuer there, who then contacted Logan while he was there--thus Logan wrote that letter that said where he was, so the Professor would know how to contact him about the girl. Xavier sent back to get Alice to Chicago for a new identity, since she was being hunted by both Magneto's old adherents and the anti-mutant groups. Well, they went to Chicago, and there was a leak in the chain and they were almost caught. Amy used the new contact list that had Specter listed and went to him--and left Alice there, since it was safer than Alice staying with her when she had a mark on her.
Well, where exactly Specter planned to send Alice is unclear from the beginning--he was either double-crossing Xavier to get her into Magneto's people's hands or he was double crossing all mutants and handing her over to the anti-mutant groups--he wasn't even sure. But Alice found out what her life was worth dead or alive--I get the feeling that Specter might have been taking bids from both sides--and made a run for it, carrying in her head everything Specter knew--and there were some mighty important names on that list, Jubes. You'd be surprised. I was.
You sort of know the rest--she was scared to death, kept running and ended up finally in Austin, where that nice lawyer decided to take her to Canada, where the anti-mutant groups don't have so much power, with an eye to sending her straight to New York, new identity or no. Well, they got up here and met with Amy and Logan--everything was going swimmingly, and they got Alice a new identity and got her in a car with the lawyer bound for New York. They stopped in Calgary overnight and Specter shot and killed them both.
Do you know what their lives were worth? One hundred grand for the girl, dead or alive. Twenty for the lawyer, dead. One hundred and twenty-thousand dollars was all it took for Specter to kill a sixteen year old girl and a father of four while they ate their supper in this little diner that no one should have known about.
He was following Logan. He knew Alice would eventually show up around him, and he waited. He fucking waited him out.
Amy was still in Vancouver when she heard about it, and we met at the murder site. It was just--fate. Or God, or whatever runs the universe, because the odds are too big against it. But she saw my gloves and the way I was avoiding anyone see me--and for a moment, she said she thought it was all some huge mistake and I was Alice.
Well, she figured out who I was because she had reported to Mary in Vancouver and knew I was in the general area, and she was really in shock, so I rented a room in the closest place I could find and left her there. And--and it was horrible.
And it just--it's everything. It just all came together, all at once. Shit. I need another beer.
Specter had a third interest he was watching out for, though Alice wasn't suitable for that. He runs a very specialized little service that not just mutants get into--he runs a fight shop. Out of Harlingen, with a line to Rio. Play to the death with not necessarily willing participants.
This isn't---I'm trying, I really am. Just--it's hard to even think about. You wired me fifteen hundred dollars in Cancun--that was the price of the heroin that Specter gave Eric's brother in Harlingen to get me. It was so easy--all they needed was to find out if anyone would notice I was missing, and they sent Brenda to find out. And I fell right for it, like an idiot. I didn't tell her much--but I told her enough. I was a mutant, which jacked my price up considerably, and that I had friends but I wasn't in regular contact. My fucking stupid idea to try for the prelims--they watched me and they thought I'd make a good addition, because, as I said, good females are scarce in this field.
I was in the motel and I'd just finished that letter, Jubes--and she came back in and said she was ready--and I just sealed the envelope and turned around--and there was Eric's brother, who knocked me out cold. I wasn't ready, Jubes--I didn't even fucking suspect a thing.
When I woke up, I was in Rio and they had me so high I couldn't even remember my own name. And they ran tests to find out what my particular gift was--and they were so fucking thrilled, because I was a prize now--I couldn't do any of the meditation exercises and they--
Well, suffice to say, Eric's brother got ripped off. The asking price for an assassin that could kill with a touch was--it was high, okay? Really fucking high, and you don't need me conscious or consenting for that. Just sit me in a room and whoever you want dead throw on top of me or keep me high enough that I just--I just--
No. I can't.
Remember when I said that Xavier's network was good? Well, they heard about it--I don't know how--and they managed to get the cash to buy me, but they didn't know who I was and I couldn't tell them because---well, I didn't know myself. Anyway, I was sent to Acapulco, but something went wrong or I went wrong, I don't know--and I--I ran. And I just kept running. No identification and no money, and pretty much a sitting duck and going through withdrawal by this time--and these people picked me up off the street in Cancun and how I got there in one piece I don't remember. I don't *want* to remember. They didn't have to, either--some of those bastards from Brazil were tracking me and it was common knowledge--they had a description--and they offered money to whoever found me. I couldn't afford to hope that they would keep me--I mean, by their standards, it was a fortune--and they didn't have a phone and I could barely sit up--so I wrote you.
As soon as I could, I got back to Harlingen and I barely took a breath there before I was on the road for San Antonio, where Eric's brother was staying last heard.
Brenda was in Los Angeles. I got some closure--no, I'm not talking about it. They are alive and they are lucky, lucky, lucky I was Rogue that day, because Marie would have slit their throats. You can ask the Professor--I sent him a report--I can't talk about it.
Anyway, something in me just--it snapped completely. So I talked to Amy and called some of Xavier's contacts, and yeah, Specter was making for Montreal like there was no tomorrow--probably to pick up his money. I caught up to him outside Regina--such an idiot, he didn't even think of trying to hide where he was going. He never thought anyone had caught on and was still using Xavier's people to move around.
It--it was so easy. I didn't expect that. I mean--he just stood there and stared at me and then he sort of smiled.
"You're worth a lot of money to some people I know."
That's the first words out of his mouth, and he just--just smiled. At me.
--and I took off my gloves.
He begged, Jubilee. And that was good--I mean, it felt fucking good. I needed what he knew--all those contacts, all those people---everything. And I got it, every damned bit of it, and--it's justified for that, right?
But you know what runs through my head? How Alice looked when he shot her--I got that memory Jubes--the bastard liked it. He liked what he did, he didn't care she was only sixteen and alone and scared. He didn't care that lawyer has four kids and a wife that needed him and wanted him home--he just shot them both--and other people along the way.
And he bought and sold me and--
God. That's it. I mean it--Jubes, burn this when you're done reading? Okay? Just--just burn it and--
I need another beer.
--then I came here and I haven't moved since.
It's just so beyond me--I can't figure out what to do. I just sit here and sit here and get drunk and just--
I thought I was over it, okay? But I have his memories and sometimes these things pop out of my mouth that make me sick--and when I go to sleep--I don't want to. And--and--
Sorry, Jubes. This'll have to wait.
* * * * *
October 10
I'm in my room and dead sober, in case you're curious. And I'm looking over what happened--whether Xavier will ever even want me to come back--and I keep thinking--why am I doing this?
I looked in the mirror today--and I look the same, and what does that mean? That I can wander about and--and just take a guy's mind apart in cold blood--plan it out, there was intention there, Jubes, that little knife he was waving was no threat to me. There are a thousand things I could have done there--but--but I wanted it to hurt, and what I did hurt him in a way he's never gonna get over, not in this life. Never, never, never, and I still can't bring myself to feel bad about it, and that's the worst part.
So you wanna know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go somewhere--somewhere and just sit and think about this. I can't see Logan like I am--I hate looking at myself in the mirror, Jubes, I hate it. I broke the one in the bathroom, because I look the same except that cut Specter put on me--but everything is--it's so wrong.
Someone at the door. I'll end this now. I miss you, Jubes. I'm--I'm sorry.
Marie Summers
* * * * *
Postscript: October 11
Amy's asleep next door--she--well, Xavier's people here contacted her. She'll be on a flight to New York tomorrow and she's taking this with her to you, Jubes, okay?
Logan's in Niagara Falls. Amy found the info and came all the way here to tell me, among other things. Funny, I guess--I still haven't been there and I still--I still want to go. And--and I'm scared to death, because--
I can't change what I did. But--but Xavier called. Amy guessed--she's a smart girl--and when she found me, she called the Professor. Maybe--maybe I can tell you about it one day--I don't know. I have my year and a day, and then I'm scheduled to come home and start saving the world on a daily basis, and the year is getting old--and I gotta make a decision. And I don't know if I can, or I should--but you know, weird as it sounds, I learned something--hey, weren't you wondering if I'd get to it?
Here's what I learned. And it's pretty simple, don't you think?
One--Don't argue with Amy. She always wins.
Two--a decision is a decision
I don't think--I think it's time I made a decision. I only have five days before Niagara is a bust and I think--I think if I don't do it now, I never will.
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