Drowning
The Prequel
by
Dark Ferret
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, so please don't sue me.
NOTE: These stories are for all of you that took the time out to write me. Your support was overwhelming. Thank you.
Walking slowly through the dark, paneled hallways, the girl named Rogue paused every few seconds to touch the things around her. She was running again, but before she did so, she wanted to see and touch everything. With satiny fingers she brushed past wood trim, tapestries and soft leather sofas and for the hundredth time since she arrived, she wondered how Xavier could afford it all. Reaching the main foyer with her boots in her hand, Rogue noticed the time on the antique clock. It was close to three in the morning. She had to go before she lost her nerve.
Quietly leaving through a backdoor, Rogue found herself in the garden. Breathing in the cool night air, it occurred to her that she had to walk all the way into town, because there would be no one to hitch a ride with around the school property. Feeling weary beyond her seventeen years, Rogue sat on a nearby bench to put her boots on. Sighing deeply she pulled a silver tin out of her cloak pocket. Bringing it to her face, she breathed the scent in. The smell of cigars was one of those things that people either loved or hated. Rogue had always disliked it. Her uncle had occasionally smoked them and the memory of his hands roving over her nightgown was something she pushed deep into the recesses of her mind. She grew up disliking the smell, not sure why, but positive she hated it.
Years later, when Rogue was on the run, she came across another man that smoked cigars. His name was Logan and Rogue knew she loved him the minute she saw him fighting in a cage. Later, when she decided to run again, he had found her on a train and asked her to stay. Letting her cry on his shoulder he held her like no one had in a long time. His scent was a mixture of leather, loneliness and tobacco.
Shaking her head to rid herself of the memory of Logan's scent, Rogue closed the tin that held his dog tags and shoved it into her duffel bag. It turned out that Logan was right about the people here. They really tried to make her feel welcomed, but the only thing she wanted had left. There was nothing to keep her here any longer. Standing up once again she began to trek across the expansive, manicured lawns.
Halfway through the outdoor track, Rogue looked up noticed a large rectangular building towards her left. Like all the buildings on the grounds, it was majestic and beautiful, but this one was different. The windows were located in high arcs near the roof. The moonlight filtered through these windows, but the strangest light reflected back out. It was bluish and danced across the ceilings. Smiling, Rogue knew that only one thing could make light dance that way water.
Crossing the outdoor track and then the gardens, Rogue quickly found the path to the pool house. Reaching the double doors, she held her breath, praying that it would be unlocked. Pulling with her eyes still closed, she heard a click. Entering the building, Rogue held her breath as soft blue light enveloped her. Mesmerized by the eerie glow coming from the underwater lighting, she smiled. In an instant, she was taken back to the lakes she used to swim in back home in Mississippi.
In the summer, her mother would put sandwiches and a thermos of tang in her book-bag. Meeting up with Tammy her best friend and her twin brother Cody from next door, they would ride their bikes to Old Pass Lake. Eagerly tearing off her clothes, Rogue was always the first to jump in. They would spend the entire afternoon talking about comic books and which Spielberg film was their favorite. Years later when she put Cody in a coma and her father called her freak and told her to leave, Rogue did the same thing she did tonight. She packed her things and took one last look around. Eventually she made her way to the lake. Taking the ring Cody had given her, she flung it into the water, turned and left.
Filled with a longing to go back to the freedom she felt swimming in the lakes when she was just Marie, Rogue took off her heavy cloak and clothes off. Clad only in her underwear, she plunged in, willing the warm water to wash away her sorrow. Instead it brought out her tears. She had lost her mother, her life, her home and her name. After almost a year on the run, she had even finally resigned herself to the idea that she could never be loved. But then she met Logan and in a cruel twist of irony, lost him too.
Closing her eyes tight, Rogue summoned the Logan in her mind. He was already fading fast, but she wanted to relish in his memories one last time. Floating gently on her back, Rogue concentrated. The first time she absorbed him, she saw his pain and horrible experiments. But she had also seen what he liked in a woman, and it was nothing like her. He had roamed the world for years doing little else other than drinking, fighting and fucking. But on the Statue of Liberty, Rogue had seen more of Logan. Somewhere deep in her mind Rogue saw that Logan loved her. It wasn't the lust he felt for Jean, but a tenderness that was foreign to the man with steel coursing through his body.
But that knowledge did little to abate Rogue's pain when he left. Feeling the tears run down her face, Rogue swam back and fourth in the pool for hours. When her tears finally dried up and her arms ached, she gathered her things and went back to the Mansion. Instead of returning to the room she shared with Kitty and Jubilee, she went to the room that was Logan's for only two days and slept with his dog tags entwined in her fingers. You see, in the pool, Rogue found a reason to stay. She loved Logan and Logan loved her. One day he would return and she was going to be there when he did. Until then, she had the pool to swim in at night. A place to be rid of the clothes she hid under all day, if only for a short time. Xavier's school would be home until Logan returned for her.
Over a year passed and Logan did return. He walked into his old room one day, and found Rogue reading on his bed. It was the single moment she had dreamed of for so long. Blinking in temporary shock, Rogue jumped up and went to hug him.
"Logan yah're back! Ah missed."
Her words were left hanging in the air, because in all her fantasies, Rogue never imagined that Logan would take a step back. Thinking it was her skin, Rogue's smile was immediately replaced by shame and hurt. Of everyone she ever met, Logan was the only one that had not avoided touching her. When he did it now, it hurt her deeply.
"Hello, Kid." With one hand on the doorknob, Logan shifted his weight and looked down at his feet. A scowl covered his features, and he mumbled something else before turning and stomping off.
Unable to comprehend what happened Rogue stood in the same spot for an eternity. She had imagined his return a thousand times, but never like this. Unsure of what to think, she sat on the floor and fingered the tags that hung around her neck for hours. Logan's presence in her mind had weakened to the point where he was barely a whisper, but Rogue had been so sure that he loved her. She had felt it that day in the pool. She had reassured herself with that thought for so long. In fact, it was the only thing that kept her from running again. Getting up, she concluded that she needed to see him, to tell him, to ask him.
Logan sat alone in the rec room, with his feet propped up on a coffee table. He was working his way through a six-pack and smoking a cigar when Rogue appeared in the doorway. He did not acknowledge her presence so she proceeded with caution. Her heart ached to see him so tired and wasted. In her naÔve way she felt that his time up north had been hard and that was why he was acting so coldly.
Sitting in a sofa facing him, she smiled weakly. "Hi, Logan."
Getting no response, she continued timidly, "Ah just came ta see if yah was okay, Yah don't look too-'
In an abrupt motion, Logan kicked the table he was resting his feet on and leaned forward. Startled by his show of violence, Rogue stared at him with wide eyes. Her heartbeat raced in her ears.
"What do you want!"
At a loss for words, Rogue stammered, "Ah, Ah. . . it's" Unable to think of what to say, Rogue closed her mouth. Tears were clouding her vision. He was not the Logan she remembered. The one she dreamed about. This Logan was full of rage and loathing and . . .
"Get the fuck out! I don't have time to waste with little girls!"
As if to emphasize his words, Logan crushed the can of beer he was holding and flung it across the room. Little droplets of beer settled on her jean leg, and she could only stare at them dumbstruck.
Rogue hadn't cried since the day Logan left, but her heart was shattering into a million pieces. The tears burned paths down her face now, as she struggled to comprehend what was happening.
"Logan please, Ah waited so long fer yah tah come back, Ah need yah," her face red with shame, Rogue finished her confession in a soft sobbing voice, " Ah love yah."
Logan scowled at the girl in front of him in disgust. The look on her face was torture, but his heart wouldn't allow him to care. Needing to be anywhere but there, he got up to leave, but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw what hung around her neck. Seizing a terrified Rouge by the shoulders, Logan lifted her to her feet and brought her eyes level with his. In one deft movement he ripped the chain off her neck and pushed her back into the sofa. Stuffing them into his jeans pocket he stomped out. Turning at the door, he addressed the sobbing girl in a cold, calculating voice,
"But I don't love you, so stay the fuck out my way."
Burning with sorrow and defeat, Rogue ran to the only place she could think of. She flung herself into the warm waters of the pool, willing it to drown her for good. But of course, it didn't. It did the exact opposite. Rogue swam all night and walked back to her room early the next morning, soaking wet and wrinkled. By now everyone had heard about the exchange and knew that the tags that she had worn faithfully for over a year were gone. But Rogue didn't care because she hadn't cried all night long. At some point, bitter irony overtook her and she had laughed. Her irrational laughter reverberated brightly through the pool house as something deep inside of her broke.
It was hope. She knew now that it had been a lie. Logan didn't love her. Not only that, he despised her. She had desperately clung to a fantasy that someone could love her, but it had all been a lie. Who could possibly love a girl with poisonous skin? That last time she cried for Logan, she had found hope. It was frail and wrapped around longing, but it was hope nonetheless. Laughing bitterly at her stupidity, Rogue let it slip away this time. Her vulnerability was making way for other sides of her psyche. The sides that contained Logan's anger and Eric's vindictiveness were now taking center stage.
Logan dragged himself to his feet. He dreamed of her again so he could no longer sleep. Sweat glistened along his entire naked body, just from the strain of trying to wake up. Still intoxicated enough to kill any typical man, Logan was dizzy and unfocused. Behind him, a blonde woman was snoring. Not able to look in her direction, Logan shuffled into her bathroom and turned on the water. He bathed in only hot water, wanting desperately to rid himself of her scent. It reeked of liquor and infection. Feeling the tingle of his skin healing under scalding water, Logan cried.
It was the same dream that had plagued him for over a year. They were so much worse than the nightmares of men in masks. At least in those he could brace himself and scream. These started off differently. He secretly hoped and waited for them only to wake up terrified and disgusted. Hearing the woman stirring to life, he dressed in a hurry and left, ignoring her questions and accusations. Walking slowly back to his bike, Logan hauled himself on and gunned the engine back to life. He was beginning to be lucid and unprepared to face his thoughts in the bright afternoon sun, he headed towards another nearby bar in an effort to drink himself back into a state of oblivious apathy.
The dream began shortly after leaving the Mansion, and they always began the same way. He was in the forest looking for something, when he heard her call his name. It was strange and surreal, because she never moved her lips, but he heard it, the Southern twang unmistakable. Barefoot and shirtless, he stalked the woods like an animal, sniffing and clawing his way through with ease. Coming upon a clearing, he would see her finally, laying among soft grass. Her eyes would be wide and innocent, her hair shiny and flowing. With unmoving lips she called him and unable to resist, he went to her. Holding his face with gloved hands, she pressed into him longingly. In the background he could here her say his name over and over. Her clothes would dissolve between them, leaving only the dog tags around her neck and need would take over.
At this point, the conscious part of his mind would always warn him, tell the Logan wrapped in Rogue's arms to let go, that it was an illusion, a mistake, but he would not listen. With the sound of her moaning his name again and again in the air, Logan would take his Marie in unbridled, glorious passion while his conscious self would scream for him to stop. But he doesn't and Marie's moans begin to show pain instead of pleasure. Not understanding, Logan would pull back in time to catch the scenery around him melting into an indistinguishable blur of colors. Confused and scared, Logan watches as the Marie under him finds a voice. She lets out a blood-curdling scream filled with terror and pain. Crying and screaming, she would squirm under him, trying to be free of his hold. But Logan couldn't let go. He wants to, but can't. He holds her down and finishes, leaving Marie a bloody, dying mess. Above him, his conscious self cries out loud, trying hard to wake up.
Bolting upright, Logan wakes up in yet another unfamiliar setting. Almost hyperventilating, he closes his eyes and steadies himself with a well-worn mantra. It was only a dream. It was only a dream. It was only a dream. In a matter of minutes, Logan's heartbeat returns to normal, only to feel the familiar ache of regret. He looked down at his hands, cursing himself for being an animal. Looking around, he was glad to see that she had left. It was better that way, it meant he could stay awhile. They always expected something of him, but he only offered disdain. Reaching over to the night table, Logan grabbed the fifth of whiskey and downed it in one long gulp. Feeling it burn through him, he finds the strength to get up and go home.
Logan reached the Mansion and was faced by Scott's unyielding contempt and accusations. Unable to comprehend what he was saying, Logan swung his heavy legs to his room and shut the door. Collapsing on his bed he passed out again. Before drifting off he managed six words into the empty room, "Please God, I'm tired, no more."
Xavier entwined his fingers under his chin. His brow was furrowed in concentration. He had allowed Logan to stay against Scott's wishes, because he felt that Logan would get better in time. But instead they were losing Rogue as well. He was well aware of what had transpired between the two when Logan showed up two weeks ago and it was hard not to intervene. They were both in so much pain, they were literally twisting themselves into bitter remnants of who they were. He had spoken to Rogue, tried to soothe her growing agitation, but it was pointless. The sweet shy girl they knew had metamorphosized into something new. And Logan, well Logan was just self-destructing before their very eyes. He had a feeling that it started a while back, and watching him now, Xavier couldn't help but feel grateful for the healing factor that kept him going. Making up his mind, Xavier, wheeled into his bedroom. Tomorrow he would have to confront them both. Their behaviors were bound to lead to dire consequences. Sighing sadly, the wise telepath thought back to when they first arrived at the Mansion. Even then, they were stuck in a whirlwind of dangerous situations and emotions. He longed for the day when Logan and Rogue would exorcise their demons and try to find happiness.
Rogue stood before her closet, debating what to wear out tonight. Despite her reprimands, she had gone out every night this week. She had attended few of her classes, the prospect of having to explain why she didn't have her paper or read her homework chapters was getting to be too much. She knew everyone was talking about her. Saying how she had changed and how disrespectful and ungrateful she had become. Bobby had even called her a slut. He meant it as an insult, but to Rogue it was funniest thing she had ever heard. Giggling at the memory, she pulled out a miniskirt and a tube top. Admiring herself in the mirror for a moment Rogue thought about her first time. It was painful, and she had almost killed him, but it was worth it. Throwing away her virginity was more than a liberation from the deadly curse she had been handed down. It was the final act in ridding herself from Logan's grasp on her heart.
Holding on to the bedpost, Rogue closed her eyes at the memory of his words, But I don't love you. Temporarily daunted she held on and purposely worked to vanquish the memory from her mind. With renewed vigor she dressed and left in a stolen car from the garage house. Singing loudly with the radio, she tried not to break her promise about crying. She swore to never cry for Logan or anyone else for that matter. She could never allow herself to love again, never be a foolish girl pathetically pining away for anyone. Walking slowly into the bar, Rogue ordered a beer and waited for the next victim. In a very short time she had grown addicted to the rush of the unexpected, the ability to be touched, the power she had over men. It was amazing that she had never discovered these things before. She was too busy fawning away like some trifling little bitch, for her knight in shining armor. Rogue watched a tall blonde approach her and thought to herself, never again.
Logan woke up like always, terrified and sweating. He popped his claws hard, just to feel the temporary rip of his skin. It always helped to focus him. He had slept all evening and it was late. Grabbing his keys, he quickly walked out. He needed something to help him forget the dream he just revisited. He needed to put another face on the girl he raped in his dreams. Kicking his bike to life, he set out on his nightly quest to forget.
Late into the night, Logan shuffled out of the bar and made his way to the parking lot. The waitress was right behind him, saying something he didn't hear. He saw everything double, but the tickling in his veins, told him his body was quickly ridding his blood of the excess alcohol. Taking a second to light his cigar, Logan pushed the lighter back into his pocket and looked across the street. He was in a shity part of town, so it was no surprise that there was a fleabag motel right across the street from the bar. What stood out like a sore thumb was the shiny blue SUV parked in between the beat up Mustangs and Celicas. Ignoring the whining woman, he crossed the street for a better look. He noticed the Xavier School crest on the license plate. Unsure of what to make of it, Logan looked in through the driver's side window, and dropped his cigar in realization. There was a familiar purple scarf splayed on the bucket seat.
Barging past the front desk clerk with a flash of his claws, Logan stomped through the hallways using his smell to track down Marie. He came to a stop at the end of the hallway, his heart sinking into his stomach at the noise coming from inside. Anger seething past the breaking point, he kicked the flimsy door down and ran in. Without a moment's hesitation, he grabbed the blonde guy that was on top of Rogue and pushed him to the floor.
"Lo-gan!"
Taking only a second to react, Rogue bolted off the bed, stumbling over the sheet she was wrapped in. About to charge the guy with his claws, Logan failed to see Rogue rush in between them. With a sickening sound, Logan felt his claws scrape Rogue's spine as they exited on the other side of her. Howling in agony, he felt her body slump to the floor.
Behind them, the blonde guy, ran out screaming, while Rogue's wide eyes bore into Logan's. Kneeling on the floor with Marie dying in his arms, Logan retracted his blades and held onto her like he had done twice before. Unlike before though, he hadn't punctured her lungs, so Rogue was able to say two words before her eyes closed.
"Ah'm sorry."
"No, it wasn't ." With incredulous eyes, Logan watched Marie die just like in his dreams, naked and scared, and bleeding. Crying and whimpering, he touched her face and willed her to live. For an endless moment he held on to her limp form. Eventually feeling the shock of the transfer, Logan passed out, holding Marie in bloody white sheets.
Rogue woke up moments later with Logan's dead weight over her. Pushing him off, she touched her neck. It was moist with tears. Slapping her hand over her mouth, she let out a cry. The clerk behind her was carrying on with morbid fascination, but she barely registered what he was saying, because Logan was dead. Hit with an overwhelming sorrow, Rogue ran outside still wrapped in sheets. Driving like a lunatic, she went home, stopping to throw up twice along the road. Finally reaching her destination, she went straight into the pool to wash off the blood. Despite herself and her promise, she cried inconsolably until Storm came to get her.
Logan awoke just as the police arrived. Still sore, he grabbed the shocked clerk and demanded to know where the girl had gone. He told her that she took off, so Logan got on his bike and found his way home, not unlike Rogue had done earlier. Reaching the Mansion steps, Logan came face to face with Xavier, waiting patiently in his robe.
"Where is she?" Logan still had deep gouges in his torso and was out of breath.
"She is fine, just shaken. Storm is with her now." Like always the Professor was serene and soothing.
"I, we,.." Logan could not find the words to describe what happened.
"Logan, I understand. Would you like to see her?"
Caught off guard, Logan held his breath and took a step back. He could still feel her at the end of his claws, still see the asshole grunting above her, the regret in her final words. For the first time in months Logan was completely sober, and he couldn't deal with all the thoughts running in his head.
"I need time to think, I can't see her I have to go." Logan's voice broke and he took another two steps back.
Sensing that he might lose him forever, Xavier added solemnly, "Yes Logan, take your time to think, but remember. this is your home."
Understanding that the older man was giving him the option to always return, Logan nodded sadly and left on his bike a broken man. He did need time to think. He was tired, literally drinking himself to death on a nightly basis. He wanted to see Rogue. Like a siren call she beckoned to him, but his actions had polluted her, made her ugly like him. In his dreams she started off a shy young girl with white streaks in her hair but end up broken and bleeding. He made the nightmare come true, and for what? He should have never returned. He was weak for coming back. Ripping off the tags around his neck, Logan heaved them into the air with a growl as he left the Mansion for the second time.
A few months later, Rogue graduated from high school with the students her age. Despite the hardship of having to catch up on all the work she missed, Rogue rose to the challenge. Far from healed, she was at least stable. She understood why Logan had left. Xavier spent hours talking with her privately. Uncomfortable with anyone but him, Rogue told her mentor everything that happened that night. With his help she understood that Logan and her were two explosive personalities that needed space away from each other to keep from doing harm. Smiling sadly, Rogue admitted that parcel of truth into her soul. She cared for him, but like many things, they needed time. She would not delude herself like before, instead she would pursue a life and let destiny decide the rest.
Rogue did not go away to college like the others. With the Xavier's blessing, she stood behind and trained to be an X-man instead. Lonely but determined, she would visit the pool house every night, spending hours swimming laps. On one particularly relaxing night, Rogue decided to walk back to the Mansion across the gravel paths in the garden, enjoying the sharp crunch of the stone under her bare feet. Pausing for a moment, she bent over and picked up a single stone and heaved it across the lawn. Looking to where it landed, Rogue saw a single spot of brightness among the dark grass. Walking over in curiosity, she stopped when she recognized what it was. A wave of emotions hit her at once, because she never imagined holding them again. Wrapping the broken chain around her fingers, Rogue took Logan's dog tags back to her room.
Before long, Rogue joined the X-men on routine missions. It was on one of those missions that she gained her new powers. The mission was quite simple. She was sent with Scott, and another mutant named Carole Danvers, a friend of Xavier's, to pick up a potentially new student that was being ostracized in her hometown. It turned out to be a fake call, because no sooner had they arrived when they were ambushed by three sentinels. The sentinels were waiting and within minutes managed to shoot down Carole and capture Scott. Carole's injuries were severe and she lay dying. When Rogue found her, Carole begged for her to absorb her powers to help Scott and get out. Unable to refuse the dying woman, Rogue touched her, but unlike other transfers this one became permanent. Beast theorized that because Carole was in the process of dying, she willingly relinquished all of herself to Rogue. Either way, Rogue's new ability to fly and super-strength, was not put to waste. A great fighter to begin with, Rogue become more intimidating than ever.
Meanwhile, Logan finally managed to control his nightmares. It had taken many more nights of brawling, drinking, and fucking around, but he had come to realize that he loved Marie. It was something he tried to run away from at first because she was only a girl and he was an animal, but with time he saw that it didn't matter. Having experienced it in real life, Logan's nightmare had begun to gradually fade. Despite everything he never stopped loving his Marie, and he was pretty sure that he never would. He couldn't possibly ever have something with her, he could never risk hurting her again, but it didn't matter. He was partially responsible for breaking her in some way, and he had to do right by her. Protect her from becoming like him. He returned to Xavier's Mansion the following spring, because he was tired and he simply wanted to come home.
Xavier watched as his two greatest challenges circled one another. Logan had been back for three days and Rogue still had refused to acknowledge him. The woman is stubborn if nothing else. She works in the library but I have noticed her sitting by the window, pretending to read, just to see him jog in the track outside. If they weren't so volatile, it might actually be fun to watch them play coy games forever, but I fear that they may never get around to forgiving and forgetting completely. At least they aren't drinking and sleeping around. Their favorite coping mechanism is now pulverizing each other in practices. In some ways they have come full circle. In the beginning, Rogue soothed Logan and helped him become more human. Now he seemed to be returning the favor. Rogue is unstable and needs support, even if he just watches from afar, I know he still cares. After a week of him hanging around, I'm sure she'll speak to him eventually. Rogue recently confided in me that she found Logan's dog tags and keeps them in a tin box under her pillow. That gave me hope. My two greatest challenges might find one another eventually.
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