Nightmares
by
Zerelda X
Logan belongs to Marvel. Charlotte belongs to me. No profit, don't sue.
SAPPY STORY WARNING!!!
I'm afraid.
No reason why I should be, 'cept she's dreamin'.
Dreamin's a nice word for it, one that she uses. She's fallin' into her nightmares an' I can't stop it, can't reach into her head an' bring her back. I can see it, feel it. The scent of her fear is fillin' the room, I can almost taste it. I hate it, but I can't leave her now. I won't let her go through it alone.
She lies so still, her breathing so slow, anyone else might be fooled into thinkin' she's okay. Not me. She can't hide from me, can't lie to me.
~*~*~*~*~
She's a contradiction with every breath she takes. She looks so young, sweet, soft, an' I'm pretty sure others get to see that side of her. That ain't the real Charlotte, just a mask she hides behind. Most people get to see that face.
How many get to see the woman that faces me over a sword? Some, when she's in the killin' mood. The woman that'll trade practical jokes with Drake and Gumbo? Shoppin' with the girls? Lots of people.
The woman that lures me to bed? No one but me.
I don't like Xavier partnerin' her with Gumbo for missions. He said they work together better than me an' her. Maybe that's true, but I don't have to like it. Watch them in the Danger room sometimes, I been there when they're done. She treats him like one of her boys, an' he likes it. Their skills compliment each other.
Chuck's got a point. Probably get so worried about her I wouldn't let her do her job. Gambit don't have no problem with lettin' her do her part. He knows he'd better bring her back in one piece.
~*~*~*~*~
It's coming.
I try an' let her sleep through it if it ain't too bad. Sometimes ya got to let 'em work themselves out. If it's a bad one, a bed shaker, I wake her up. She's a bitch the next mornin' an' I pay for it in the Danger room. Anythin' for her, even let her beat the hell out of me. She makes it up to me later.
The first nightmare happened after Jubilee an' Thomas got hurt in the hit and run. It was the guilt that brought it on, guilt she hadn't protected them. She'd had to go an' handle it herself cause I was too drunk to be there for her. The night the Cajun tries to out-drink me. Don't ever take a three for one bet.
That's my nightmare, my guilt. That won't ever happen again. I won't let it.
I reached for her, tryin' to wake her up, an' she pulled a knife on me. Would've got me through the heart if I hadn't been quick enough to roll out of the way. Forgot she slept with it under the pillow.
Got to remember not to take anythin' about this woman for granted.
~*~*~*~*~
At least it was the first one I knew about. Jeannie told me she's had others, but Char won't talk to me about them. Doesn't want me to think she's weak. She ain't weak, I know that. She's one of the strongest people I can remember. I wish she felt strong enough to lean on me. I wish I'd given her a reason to when the accident happened.
Wish she hadn't leaned on Cable then.
I want to know what she means to Cable, but he's not talkin'. All I know is that he knew her a couple of hundred years in the future. He said she's his friend.
Bein' alone so long, she's still learnin' we can be stronger together. We're both still learnin' it. It's slow 'cause she's stubborn. Wouldn't have her any other way, as long as I get to have her.
So, I'm stubborn, too. Don't seem to bother her.
I wonder what she does about her nightmares when I'm not here. What she lives through over an' over again. I figure three centuries would feed a mind like hers for another three just on nightmares alone.
~*~*~*~*~
She's cold. That's how they start. Even in the heat she's like an ice cube. If I touch her now she'll jerk awake, shakin' all over. Can't touch her now.
Then her face changes, almost like she's tryin' to decide whether or not she's in pain. Her breathing changes, gasping like she's bein' choked, gettin' agitated. If it's a short one she'll just cry in her pillow. She cries silently.
This one ain't short. This one's killin' her.
I move close enough so she can feel the heat of my skin, tell her it's okay. I know it's workin' when she settles down some. When she whispers my name in her sleep, I can touch her. Then she wants me to.
~*~*~*~*~
I learned her strength is grounded in her passion, an' her passion is full-blown an' demanding. She gives as good as she gets. I sink into her strength an' passion every chance I get.
How many of my own nightmares has she held me through? I don't know, she takes them from me. I wish I could do the same for her.
Wish I had the words to tell her what's inside me, but she don't seem to notice. Never seems to miss the words even thoough she deserves them. I'm jealous of Gumbo, the words come right out of his mouth like he was born knowin' what to say to women. If I tried to talk like that she'd laugh at me. All I can do is show her.
Do ya have any idea what ya mean to me?
~*~*~*~*~
This time it's not workin'. She's got a bad one goin'. It's too strong, too real. If I wake her up now she'll remember every detail. I can't do that to her, can't let her hurt like that.
Every word she mutters is a knife in my soul. Just being here ain't enough to help her this time. I want to pull her into my arms an' protect her, but I'm afraid. I know from my own nightmares what the mind can do to ya. Only this woman scares me.
She dreams of Death.
She's on a first name basis with the bastard, fights him with everythin' she's got, but I'm scared she'll lose the battle one of these nights, an' I'll never see her beautiful eyes open again.
Eyes that hold secrets - her hopes, loves, terrors - locked inside.
Eyes that looked inside my heart and soul, into places I'm scared to look, an' found my secrets.
Eyes that know what I'm thinkin'. Eyes that tell me what she's feelin' even when she doesn't want me to know. She can't lie worth a damn to me. She knows it, doesn't even try. It's that lie of omission that gets her every time. I still know.
Her eyes have the secrets of the whole universe. Sometimes I get to look in.
~*~*~*~*~
She's cryin' now, hot silent tears runnin' down her cheeks. She's curled up in a ball around a pillow, a shudder now an' then the only sign of her fear. I want to touch her.
It's almost over.
I'm still scared.
~*~*~*~*~
Not too long ago I went with her into the city so she could sign some papers for her lawyer. She seems to see him a lot, I had no idea her legal stuff was so complicated. I guess it has to be if ya been alive so long. She was takin' care of Del's inheritance, settin' up a trust an' transferrin' assets.
Gettin' a granddaughter made her happier than anythin' ever could, 'cept maybe gettin' her from the beginnin' at birth. 87 years late, but they're happy. Raven's still gettin' used to it. The girls bonded right away. Ain't that just like them?
I don't like goin' into the office so I wait downstairs in the bar. Early afternoon, not a lot of people in there. The few that were had on expensive suits, designer haircuts, manicures, attitudes. Corporate types knockin' off early for a long weekend.
I walk in, jeans, shirt, jacket, feelin' kinda grumpy. Don't know why I said I'd come with her. Yeah, I do. Wanted to be with her. Didn't want her out of my sight. Okay, so I was still feelin' guilty about the whole thing.
They all looked at me when I walked through, right down their noses at what they saw. The bartender asked me if I was in the right place. He finally set a beer in front of me after I gave him one of my looks with lots of teeth. The one that makes her laugh. She's the only one that laughs.
Conversation started back up an' they all ignored me. Just a nobody that wandered into their little world of old money, old traditions. I didn't care. Watched the TV an' waited. The place started to fill up.
After about an hour Char stood at the entrance lookin' in, lookin' for me. She wore one of those business suits with the short skirt an' silk top. She carried the jacket over her arm. The afternoon sun backlit her body through the open door. She was so beautiful.
They all looked at her. Even the women looked at her.
She saw me in the back at the bar an' made her way towards me. Every time one of those bastards said somethin' to her, she nodded politely an' kept goin'. She didn't notice the stares. Didn't notice they were undressin' her in their heads.
Didn't notice the shocked faces when she slipped into my arms an' kissed me, then told the bartender 'give me whatever he's having.'
I noticed, an' it felt good. I didn't need to be a 'path to know what those bastards were thinkin'. Give it up, fellas, the lady made her choice more than fify years ago. She wears my soul next to her heart.
She's got my heart in her teeth.
I'm afraid she'll bite.
I'm afraid she won't.
~*~*~*~*~
The nightmares don't come that often, every couple of weeks. They're goin' away slowly. More an' more her eyes are clear when she wakes up. I look for it every mornin'. I figure if I can wake up an' see her smile at me an' no knife over my heart, then what we got is real.
~*~*~*~*~
It's goin' away.
She turns to me in her sleep for comfort. I can touch her now. I pull her over against me, feel her nuzzle into my chest, a sigh of contentment against my skin. She's still asleep.
I'm still afraid.
Afraid she'll leave, 'cause I'd last about five minutes on my own.
Afraid to let her out of my sight, that I'll turn around an' she'll be gone.
I'm as bad as she is 'bout leanin' on someone else, believin' in another person. Livin' for so long you know the only one you count on is yourself. We're countin' on each other now. Feels good. Better than good. Damn, I don't have the words.
I'll catch her when she falls.
I take her hand from where it rests over my heart, over the medallion, an' lift it up to my face so I can look at the ring in the darkness. Already she feels warmer. The diamonds reflect what little moonlight comes through the window. She promised. An' come summer, I'm holdin' her to that promise.
All references to characters belonging to the X-Men Universe are (c) and TM the Marvel Comics Group, 20th Century Fox and all related entities. All rights reserved. Any reproduction, duplication or distribution of these materials in any form is expressly prohibited. No money is being made from this archive. All images are also (c) and TM the Marvel Comics Group, 20th Century Fox and all related entities; they are not mine. This website, its operators and any content used on this site relating to the X-Men are not authorized by Marvel, Fox, etc. I am not, nor do I claim to be affiliated with any of these entities in any way.