No More Goodbyes
by
Gatekeeper
Author's Notes: Yes, it's a songfic, and the shame I feel for my choice of song knows no bounds.
I know full well that Logan would kick my ass for using it if he knew, but . . . well, it just worked!
Is that my fault?
And I just basically ignored Marie's accent - too many "Ah"s would have been excessive, and I
couldn't find the right balance in between everything and nothing.
Oh, and I place her as 17 in the movie, so the about year and a half addition puts her well in the comfortable legal country of 18.
Disclaimer: Logan/Marie belong to Marvel, and "Butterfly" belongs to Mariah Carey. For that last part, at least, I have absolutely no regrets.
Finally, after over a year of waiting, Logan came back.
"Marie."
"Logan?"
"Who else'd be waking you up . . . hey!"
Marie pulled back a little from the bear hug she had Logan in. "Don't worry, I was careful. I made sure that I only hit clothing." There was only the most gentle of quavers in her voice.
"I wasn't even thinking about that, kid. I was just . . . surprised."
Relieved, she laid her cheek back against his chest. "I can't see why you would be. I missed you."
Slowly, ever so slowly, Marie felt Logan's arms wrap around her, lips pressing against her hair. They just stood there for a moment, holding each other.
"Do you want your dog tags back?"
Silence. "Logan?"
"Maybe later, kid."
***
Before she could even blink, though, he was gone again, chasing word of a research assistant that had moved to Manitoba. She hadn't been able to catch him and make him say goodbye that time, though she attempted to convince herself for the entire two months he was gone that she had felt the brush of leather glove against her cheek as she slept.
Now he was leaving again.
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
The roof was cool and still in the darkness, the perfect place to be alone on a warm night. Better, the Logan that was still in Marie's head agreed with her completely.
"Marie?"
As, it seemed, did the Logan in her heart.
"C'm here, kid."
How could she argue with that? When the man you loved wanted you close to him, you went.
At least, she was pretty sure she loved him. Not having had much experience with this sort of thing, she wasn't able to give Jean and the others the scientific proof they so obviously wanted. All she knew for certain was that she spent every second she could with him, loved who she was when she was with him, and would do anything to make him happy.
It sounded close enough to love for her.
"You should be in bed, kid."
"So should you, old man."
A low, playful growl. "I said c'm here."
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
She moved carefully toward him, setting herself down just a hair's-breadth away from him, then held her breath, as she always did, as his jacketless arm came around her and dragged her tight against his side, so that no air was between them.
"You know you don't need to do that with me, Marie."
Leaning her head against his shoulder, she rested a hand on Logan's knee. "I know. But I like to be reminded, sometimes."
They sat together then, in the comfortable silence of people who don't need to be old certain things to know them.
But other things. . .
"Logan?"
"Yeah, kid?"
Taking a deep breath, she looked up at him. "When were you going to tell me you were leaving again?"
She could feel his entire body tense beside her as the Logan in her mind growled a warning. Still, he didn't look at her, didn't say anything, and she was forced to look down, closing her eyes in silent dread. Logan always had an answer for everything, and the only thing silence meant was that he didn't want to say it.
He hadn't planned on telling her at all.
When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
"Kid, I. . . "
Fighting back tears, Marie whispered, "It's okay, Logan. I understand."
He moved then, turning her to look at him. "Marie. . . "
Closing her eyes, she shook her head quickly. No excuses - she couldn't stand it. He was going to let her be brave if it killed them both. "No, Logan. I do understand, really. You're a grown man with your own life. You don't need to tell me anything. I don't even have the right to ask."
With a tightly swallowed sob and one quick wrench she was gone, off the roof and out of his sight. Almost as if she could fly.
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hand
And watch you fly
Damn. Damn damn damn damn. That was not how that particular conversation was supposed to go. Shit, they weren't even supposed to be having that conversation yet!
How the hell he was going to explain that to her, though, he had no idea. He wasn't the sweetest talker in the world, even when his heart wasn't somewhere in the bottom of his stomach and his brain wasn't kicking him for being such an asshole.
Of course, some of this might calm down if he could just find the kid. . .
Ah, there, coming from the garage, Ivory soap, too much fabric, and . . . well, her - that unique mix of scents that made him think of wild things, like mates. . .
Damn it, asshole, stop it. Just follow the damn scent, don't write poetry about it.
The sound of crying. Great. Some fine job of protecting her he was doing.
That, it seemed, was the problem. He'd promised to protect her, sure, but at the time he hadn't realized that the biggest threat he'd have to deal with would be from himself. . .
There she was, in the corner, by his bike, bought just after he'd come back the first time. Marie had just helped him pick it out. Damn.
"Marie." Logan raked his hand through his hair in frustration. How the hell was he supposed to say this? "I'm . . . sorry." That was probably a good start.
Quickly wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, she got up, even now careful to avoid flashing anyone with her short, short skirt. Not that he would have minded. . .
Down, boy. Down.
"I said it was okay, Logan." Her chin was at a firm angle, unwilling to be beaten down by anyone. Even him. Damn, she was brave.
She didn't need him. Not really.
I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
She took a deep breath. "I know I'm just a. . . "
"No." Before she could finish he was there, hands on her arms and her eyes forcing her to look at him. "Don't say it."
Her voice was soft, eyes slightly widened. Didn't smell like fear, though. "Say what?"
"Whatever it was you were going to say. You're not a poor dumb kid, and you had every right to ask. It's just that. . ." I was too damn scared to tell you. I knew that if you gave me that look you're giving me now, kid, I wouldn't be able to leave. And I have to. I . . . damn it, kid, it's for the best, really. You are not going to want me around when you start dating.
But none of it managed to beat its way out of Logan's mouth, so Marie met with little resistance as she shook her head and gently disengaged herself. "You've been really good to me, but you didn't ask to be saddled with a kid. It's more than time for you not to be." She swallowed, then her hands moved to her neck.
Something cold gripped his insides. No, darlin', please don't. I'm trying to be good here, but I don't know if I can deal with that.
But, telepathy not being one of her powers, Marie simply lifted the tags over her head and placed them in his hand, wrapping her fingers around it in a way that was far too much like the first time.
Then she turned and walked away.
You have given me the courage
To be all I can
And truly feel you heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land
She would not cry, she would not cry. This was what she had to do, this was good and right and what Logan needed to be free. To be happy.
Damn. Her tears had never paid much attention to her, anyway.
I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
Shit. Gut wounds didn't hurt this bad. But this is what would be best for Marie, to be the hell away from all the shit that was his life. Someone else would have to help her through the nightmares, now, but he could save her from everything else.
All he had to do was go.
Damn it all to hell.
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
He turned away, the sound of her steps ringing in his mind.
Then there was silence.
"Damn it, Logan, that's not how it's supposed to happen!"
He whipped around. "What?!"
She stared him down, her eyes still wet as she fought to keep her hand from reaching up to rub the spot where the tags had once lain.
That had been it, really. As she had attempted her heroic exit, that spot had ached like a bruise. Thirty seconds, and she missed them so badly it hurt. How bad would it be, then, when he was gone like that? At least way the wound could scab over, and it would free him anyway.
"You're not just supposed to let me go like this." To hell with it. She released her hand, and it moved to the right place without fail.
He saw, but hope wasn't something he was used to. "What do you want me to be doing?" His voice was rough, his eyes never leaving her face.
"Want?" A wet, pained laugh escaped her. "What I really want. . . " Her expression was oddly tender. "What I really want is for you to kiss me." Then she cleared her throat, and pain flashed in her eyes. "But since that's not going to happen. . . "
Her voice trailed off as he strode toward her, a very intent look on his face. "What, you can predict the future now? Didn't know that was one of your powers."
Something had changed, and her brain couldn't tell what. Her heart, however, was starting to have an idea. She could hear the pounding all through her body. "Logan, I. . . "
"Shh." He held his bare finger a centimeter away from her suddenly trembling lips. His voice was low, rough, his eyes those of a man about to give in to temptation. "When you look at me like that, darlin', you make it damn hard to be noble."
Then, before she could register what he meant, before she could tell him it was too dangerous, he gently slid her gauzy scarf up over her lips and kissed her.
Yes, kissed. With a big, magnificent K.
His hands, protected by the gauze, gently cupped her face as he explored her mouth luxuriantly, possessively, using all of his many years of experience.
Marie moaned in appreciation, digging her nails into his back as she did her best to prove what a very quick learner she was. By the time they had broke it off due to a lack of air, Logan was close to a moan himself.
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
They separated without letting go of each other, gasping from the most enjoyable lack of air either had ever experienced. Then all air stopped again, as they realized the problem of what the hell to do next.
Marie decided to make the first attempt. "Logan, not that that wasn't wonderful." As if he couldn't smell the excitement radiating off her. "But what was that, exactly?"
Snappy comebacks. He could do snappy comebacks. "Kissing, last time I checked."
"Well, yes." Though there had to be a mor impressive term for what they just did. "But to go from not even telling me you were leaving to kissing me. . . "
Damn. Explanations. He pulled her closer, gratified that she held on. "Want the answer I should say, or the one that's the truth?"
"The truth," she murmured into his thankfully protected neck. "I think we've both had enough of shoulds for awhile."
Logan chuckled, pressing his lips against her hair. "I'd say so." Then he sobered. "Why do you think I kept leaving, Marie? Especially when I'd said I'd protect you."
His past, of course, but they had both known there was another reason. "I didn't want to think about it," she whispered honestly.
The hurt in her voice was clear, making Logan's heart twist. "I'm not a good guy, Marie, I know that - no past, a temper from hell, and nightmares that leave even me screaming. And I've already given you those." He sighed. "I'm the last thing you need in your life right now, darlin'. Especially the way I want to be in it."
How could he believe that? With those extra sharp senses of his he had to hear the way her heart was doing cartwheels at the mere thought of "the way I want to be in it." The lovely, lovely implications.
"So," she said finally, shifting just enough to look up at him. "What you're saying is that you made me miserable trying to protect me from you?"
He grinned at her. Heavens, what that did to her insides. "Just like you nearly killed me trying to save me from you?"
She chuckled, laying her head back against his shoulder. "That about covers it, sugah."
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
Still, there was one thing, one last chance for fear and doubt to completely crush her. "What about Jean?"
One last chance for Logan to prove just why she loved him so much. "Me trying for safer fantasy material."
"Fantasy material?" She breathed, eyes wide. She would give anything she had to be able to jump his bones right now.
"Yeah." His voice was soft and slightly rueful, but his eyes were wild. Dark. Sexy. She liked those eyes.
But she couldn't do anything about them. "But my. . . "
Logan leaned closer. "Actually, I've been thinking about that."
Her lips parted in breathless anticipation. "Really?"
"Really. I. . . " Something crashed upstairs, faint but real, and both their heads turned at the sound of it. Logan swore softly. "Damn, they're awake." He turned to Marie. "Darlin', I. . . "
She put a gloved finger to his lips, smiling softly. "Later." She inclined her head upward. "We'd better go now, sugah, if we want to be gone before the rest of the team sees us."
Logan raised an eyebrow. "We?"
"You'd better believe it." She grinned. "You have some thinking you need to tell me about."
"That's right." He grinned back. He could get to like being with a bossy female. "Don't forget this, though." Looping the tags around her neck, Logan kissed her through the scarf one more time, leaving both of them breathless and enjoyably dizzy. Then he picked her up by the waist and deposited her up on the back of the bike, climbing up after her.
Marie slid her arms around his waist, almost as if they were meant to be there. "But what about our things?" she asked, more as a formality than anything.
"We'll pick it up on the road." His grin turned wolfish. "If we decide we need anything."
Her laugh mingled with the sound of the bike as it peeled away into the dawn.
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