Driving Force
by
Elizabeth Wilde
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. They are all copyright... Marvel and/or Twentieth Century Fox and possibly even other places or people. Point is, not mine. I make no money from this site and I don't have any to give, so there's no point in suing.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Gods, this story has changed since I first conceived of it. The series took on a life of its own. This was supposed to be the first... but I guess it's not. The song is "Even Angels Fall."
You found hope, you found faith,
Found how fast she could take it away.
Found true love, but lost your heart.
Now you don't know who you are.
I think I should have seen it coming. If I'd ever had a chance, I think it would have come immediately. After so many years, it shouldn't have been a gut-wrenching choice for her. I should have been a shoe-in. At least I thought so.
When I went to the door, I didn't expect to find Jean standing there. She looked a little tired, but she had dressed and combed her hair, and I thought she looked gorgeous, especially after not seeing her for almost a week. I wanted to hold her so much I'm surprised I managed to stay still, to wait for her to make the first move.
She sort of smiled. A little, sad, half-smile. "I... I have to try. I can't live the rest of my life not knowing. It wouldn't be fair."
So I knew. I staggered a step back before I realized I had done it and caught myself by grabbing the door. It felt like she had smacked me in the chest with an anvil. But she can't mean it! my heart screamed. "Jean, are-"
"Yes. I'll... I'll see you," she finished, wincing at how hollow the words were. Or maybe it hurt her as much as it hurt me. Maybe she could still feel me through our bond. Maybe I'll never get a chance to ask.
"Oh." I shut the door. What else could I do? Certainly, I couldn't stand there and look into her eyes. I would've lost my tenuous control over my emotions if I had. As it was, my hands were shaking as I walked away from the door.
How could she love someone else, want someone else? I never can. I never will.
You laugh, you cry, no one knows why,
But oh, the thrill of it all.
You're on the ride,
You might as well open your eyes.
She picked me. Damned if I thought I had a chance. I knew I wanted one. I knew I would've given anything to have her as close again as she was that day. But I really thought I'd lose out to Scooter like usual. I mean, they're all bonded and everything. Figured that'd tip the scales his way.
Guess I got under her skin as much as she got under mine. There were tears on her cheeks when I saw her coming down the hall toward me. Seemed like a bad sign.
"I just... I went to Scott..." she had started cryin' again by then. "I told him that you and I deserve a chance." I must've looked as ridiculously stunned as I felt, because my expression managed to make her smile. "You still want to try?"
"God, Jeannie, there isn't anything I want more." Sappy. Yeah. I know. But I wanted to be honest with her. I don't think I could lie to Jean if I tried, all psychic powers aside. "You sure?"
"I'm sure." She was smiling for real by then, and it felt like some light that had always been turned off in my head suddenly snapped on.
I laughed and grabbed her, makin' myself by gentle. Wouldn't've done to crack her ribs or somethin'. "You aren't gonna regret it."
I felt her laugh against my chest. There was somethin' sad about that laugh. "I hope not." She won't ever be sad again if I have anything to do with it.
You will fly and you will crawl.
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you've lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
Even angels fall.
Even angels fall.
I couldn't deny the thrill at having Logan's arms wrapped around me and knowing that it was alright. There was nothing wrong about it. I ran my hand along his cheek again. "Grow it back."
He arched an eyebrow at me, smiling. "You kiddin'?"
"No. I miss it. It was sexy."
He laughed then, and I realized it was the first time I'd ever seen him laugh. I liked it. I liked the way the corners of his eyes crinkled and his chest rumbled. "Whatever you want, Jeannie. No more shavin' for me."
"Good." I stepped back then, away from him. "This isn't going to be easy, Logan."
His expression sobered immediately. "Never thought it would be. But some of the hardest things are the most worth it. 'Sides, I thought X-Men were all about challenging what people think?"
"Suppose you're right." Behind my smile, I could still feel pain. I'm still not sure if the pain is mine or Scott's. Or both. I don't think he'll be out of my head or my heart anytime soon. Maybe not ever.
"Of course I'm right. It may not happen a lot, but when it does..." Logan was smiling again, one hand gently playing with my hair. "We deserve a shot."
Turning my head, I kissed his hand. "Yes, we do."
But it isn't going to be easy.
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