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Archive: Yes to Alex. All others please ask first.

Disclaimer: Belong to Marvel, they do. Making money, I am not.

Notes: Takes place around the time that the X-Men were in Russia tracking down the Goth. Playing with other pairings here. ;) The lyrics are off of U2's album Achtung Baby, hands down one of the angstiest CDs I own. Alex, this didn't exactly go where I thought it would go, but at least it went. ::grin::

To drink the cup
To fill it up
To drink it slow
I can't let you go
And I must be
An acrobat
To talk like this
And act like that
U2, "Acrobat"

* * *

Real pathetic, me. Sitting here in some no-name dive in Moscow, drowning myself in vodka as fast as I can order it. It'll never get me drunk, but it's good to feel the burn running down my throat. Lets me know I'm still alive.

Have you ever gotten to the point where you don't know if you're alive or dead? Ever felt like you're a zombie, the walking dead? Can't feel anything but your own hunger, and even then you don't know what you're hungry for.

That's not exactly true, though. I know what I'm hungering for. I can even have it, but that don't stop me from feeling like a little fucker for wanting or taking it. She's hurting, just the same way I am. From losing everything you think is real in your life, having it ripped out of you.

'Get over it,' my head says. 'Wasn't meant to be. Dat girl didn't care 'bout you for real. Months ago, Rem.'

It ain't easy to do what your head says when your heart's screaming something different.

Ask me and I'll tell you that I haven't thought about Rogue in months. She's been the farthest thing from my mind. And know that I'm lying to you through my teeth.

I know damn well that I shouldn't love her. Too high-maintenance. Knowing don't mean a whole hell of a lot, though.

So, how did I end up in bed with Jean? I don't think either of us knows for sure. All I know now is that I want to go back and never leave.

The question I'm asking myself is, was it really Jean that I wanted, or was she just a substitute for a woman I can't touch? I really don't know.

She was so beautiful and hurting so much. I wouldn't have been able to resist it even if I wasn't an empath. Took her in my arms and gave her everything I had. I knew who I was holding, but I kept seeing someone else in my mind. I know she was imagining someone else, too.

Two poor fools, holding onto each other, pining for lovers they can never have again.

Where do we go from here? I toss back another vodka. Same way we always go. Forward, and try not to look at the past.

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