A Desperate Attempt
by
Dark Ferret
CATEGORY: Rogue/Logan
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, so please don't sue me.
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My body was tense. I knew what was coming. All evening he had been staring at the blonde girl. He tried not to show it, but it was so obvious, I could focus on little else. You see, we had agreed to go together to Scott and Jean's wedding, so I sort of had no choice but to spend the night watching them smile at each other across the yard.
The entire school made a huge production of the nuptials. Jean and Scott were ecstatic, busily planning for months. Storm was the maid of honor and Beast would serve as best man. I was asked to be a bridesmaid along with Jubilee and Kitty. We all had matching pale green strapless dresses for the summer wedding, but I was the only one that had to wear a skin colored body stocking underneath. The girls had all gone to the salon to get their hair and nails, while I stood behind and did my own hair. I was sitting in my window bench overlooking the caterers busy in the gardens, painting my nails blue in a rebellious streak, when I first saw them together. He was leaning into her like she was the only person left on the planet, while she giggled and occasionally flipped her hair around.
It was not like I blamed her. He was a gorgeous guy. A total chick magnet, he had the looks, the charisma and the smile to charm anyone. He even made Storm blush, and that in itself is noteworthy. What's more Logan couldn't stand him. Well Logan hated everybody, but two days after he came back, Remy was up there along with Scott on his 'To Kill' list. Eventually Remy surpassed even Scott, because of all the girls at the Mansion, Remy pursued me the most. I guess he was protecting me or whatever. I still thought about Logan a lot, but he made it clear I was just a kid.
It was no secret I was Remy's biggest challenge. Even now, it surprises me how much energy he spent pursuing me. He sent flowers, candy, took me out on dates and wrote me letters all the time. It was overwhelming at first. Months after he arrived, I finally caved in, more tired than flattered. I suppose everyone thought I was playing hard to get, but I wasn't. You see, I knew what a charmer like Remy wanted. He wanted the unattainable. I was the ultimate symbol of it. A walking, talking reminder of 'look but don't touch'. Everyone told me I was gorgeous, but I never really believed it. Making me 'his girl' was more about him than it ever was about me.
So it was with no great surprise that he would see other girls behind my back. He was a few years older than us, so he had his own car, a shiny red convertible. He went out clubbing almost every weekend, always alone. He would come back the next day somber and low key. He would try and hide the lipstick stains or the hickeys but I never ever mentioned it and so nobody else did either. Even Logan. Remy would simply ask me out to dinner that night again and I would say yes. I know everybody thought I was one desperate chick, willing to endure anything for a lousy psuedo-relationship, but I just didn't care.
So I sat at the main table in my green dress and waited. It was past midnight and most of the guests had already left. Scott and Jean had said their good-byes and were probably halfway to Aruba by now. It was a beautiful day, more perfect than I had anticipated, but I did little more than watch everyone else. Sure, I danced, and smiled, and took a million pictures, but it was all a show. I knew the my friends tried hard to make me feel normal, even selecting to wear long satin gloves with our strapless dresses, but nothing short of a God given miracle could make me normal. So I did it for them. I smiled and ignored the lump in my throat all evening so that everyone would think me happy. Looking up I noticed the blonde girl had finally left so it was just a matter of time. Finding my shoes under the table, I walked over to a bench in the garden and waited. It wasn't long before I saw his tall frame saunter over.
"Chere, we are all going to dis club in de city, do you want to come too, cause if you are tired Chere, I can stay here wit you."
The question was innocent enough, but his shifting red eyes said it all. Not wanting to dance around the issue forever, I looked down at my gloves and took a deep breath.
"Remy if yah want ta go with Lisa and tha others, just go."
Taken aback by my comment, Remy snapped his head up to look at me. His expression was priceless. Taking a minute to recover he laughed dryly.
"Chere, you didn't understand, I go wit Bobby and-"
Not willing to make the conversation longer than it should be I cut him off, "It's okay Remy. . . "
I swallowed hard and looked him square in the face, "It's okay, Ah understand." As if to prove the point I laid a hand on his knee, ignoring his slight flinch. Giving him an unexpected smile, I went back to picking at my gloves.
After what seemed an eternity, Remy gathered enough composure to talk again, "Mon ami, I'm sorry."
His accent was thick and low, so I knew he was indeed sorry. For a brief moment, I thought he might change his mind and stay, so I decided to urge him on.
"They are probably waiting for yah, yah should go."
I didn't move my eyes from my lap, so eventually he just left. As I heard his tires screech off with a giggling Lisa and a partially drunk St. John, howling at the moon, I finally looked up. He had taken it harder than I had anticipated. Looking down at the wet drops forming on the lap of my pale green satin dress it occurred to me that so had I.
Suddenly feeling ridiculous in my gown, I got up and decided to head for my room. Sniffling and wiping at my face I turned and froze. Logan was staring at me from the bench in the gazebo. He was only ten feet away from where I was sitting with Remy, but since the Reception was on the other side of the Mansion lawn, it had been too dark to notice him. Realizing that he must have heard everything that was said, I was furious.
"Yah had no raght ta sit heah and listen ta us Logan."
Expecting him to answer back, I stood there perfectly still, waiting like an idiot. Only the tears kept rolling slowly down my face. Wiping at then again, I finally convinced my legs to move. Taking long angry strides, I was almost to the walkway when I felt his hard fingers grab my arm and spin me around.
Face to face, I saw that Logan was angry too. To everyone else he might have been just scowling like always, but I had learned to differentiate Logan's moods by the look in his eyes. They were practically on fire. We stood there for some time, just staring and thinking, each sizing the other up carefully. In the background, we heard the caterers milling around, no doubt tackling the monumental clean-up job ahead of them. Finally pain got the better of me and I tried to squirm out of his grasp.
"Yah hurting me Logan."
Not flexing a muscle he continued to bore his eyes into mine, until he finally released my arm, however, he let go too quickly and I stumbled backwards falling flat on my ass.
Looming over me he finally opened his mouth. "Why the fuck do you take his shit Marie?"
Anger spurring me on, I gathered the little dignity I had left, and got up. "That's none of yoah business Logan. Ah don't get involved in yoah lahf so stay out ah mine!"
Visibly angered by my yelling at him, Logan clenched his jaw and approached me slowly. It occurred to me that I was confronting a very dangerous man. Ever since he risked his life to save mine with Magneto, I always felt that he would never hurt me but watching him approaching, put serious doubt in my theory. Fear overtook my anger and I took two steps back. Unfortunately my back was up against the gazebo, so I wrapped my hand tightly around the banister.
He didn't stop moving forward until he was inches from my face. I could smell the liquor on his breath, and scared shitless I just held mine.
"Are you afraid of me, Marie."
His voice was strangely calm, as he kept looking straight into me.
Unsure of what to do, I finally opened my mouth then closed it again. I must have looked incredibly pathetic to him, because his eyes actually softened.
"Why do you stay with him Marie?"
Amazed that he could look so frightening and sound so calm at the same time, I just stared back. He was so much like the man that held me in the Statue of Liberty, it hurt to look at him, but I did anyway. Searching my mind, I gave him the only answer I had.
"He makes me feel wanted," Swallowing hard I felt the lump widen in my throat, "loved."
By now my eyes were watering up again. Yes that was the reason. It was actually something I hadn't really thought about before. I avoided it at all costs, choosing to convince myself that I just wanted companionship, to be like the others my age, but it was clear as day now. Everyone was right all along. I was desperate.
"How can he make you feel wanted when he's fucking someone else."
Caught off guard, I let out an indignant gasp. Tears burned down my face.
"Will you feel loved when he comes back tomorrow smelling like that little slut he was sniffing around all day?"
Logan's voice was so low now, it was practically a grumble. Unable to take his eyes any longer I clenched mine tight and pushed at his unmoving chest.
"Shut up!"
"I will not shut up! It's about time someone told you."
"Shut up Logan, Yah don't understand!"
I tried to push him again, he was too damn heavy. Forgetting how afraid I was of him, I reached out and slapped him hard across the face. He must have barely registered the blow, but my hand felt broken. Blind with anger, I went to hit him again, but he caught my hands in mid air, encircling my wrists with his iron grip. I flayed to no avail for a while until he crossed my arms over my chest pinning them there.
Leaning in even closer than he already was, he whispered into my face, "Yes I do understand."
By now, I had no fight left in me. I leaned forward and buried my face in his shirt, with my arms still crossed over my chest. Slowly he brought them down to my side and let go. Unable to do anything else, I wrapped them around his waist and held on. Exhausted beyond belief of all my pretending, I poured my soul out in tears while Logan stroked my hair. Eventually I felt him lift me in his arms and carry me to my room. Placing me gently on my bed, he closed the door behind himself and left me to cry myself to sleep.
I woke up the next morning with a splitting headache. I was still in my gown when I looked over to see that it was close to midday. Slowly remembering what happened the night before with Remy and then with Logan, the ache returned to my throat.
Pulling off my stained gloves, I came upon the bright blue nail polish I had put on. Unable to cry, I laughed instead. Painting my nails was a little guilty pleasure I often indulged in. I couldn't recall a single moment since I was sixteen when I went out without gloves on, but I painted my nails often, if just to amuse myself. Sliding off the bed, I peeled off my clothes and stepped into the shower.
Wanting to avoid absolutely everybody, I grabbed an apple from the kitchen pantry and headed out the door. Not having a clue as to what to do on a Sunday by myself, I walked over to the garage house and borrowed one of the SUVs. I had gotten my license a few months ago, so I got on the highway and took off. Not knowing exactly where to go I drove into nearby Connecticut until the tank was half empty.
Stopping in a little coastal town, I went into a small outdoor restaurant to have dinner. I had chosen an outdoor place so that I wouldn't look odd in jeans and a long sleeved blouse in August. My fears were unwarranted though, because no sooner had I sat down, did a mutant couple sit a few tables away. They were obviously very much in love. He was holding her webbed hands and saying something in her ear that caused her to laugh and snuggle up closer to him. Munching on fried shrimp, I watched the couple and eventually the sun as it set over the Atlantic. Shortly afterwards, the couple left, and only an older lady and I remained outside.
Smiling in my direction, the lady motioned for me to join her. Her name was Pearl and her daughter owned the restaurant. Over several cups of coffee, we spoke about everything from politics to the Yankees' new pitcher. Eventually she asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I explained to her my situation. She didn't offer any advice, just listened as I described my twisted little relationship with both Remy and Logan.
After saying our good-byes, I headed back to New York, more relaxed and clear-minded than I had been in a long time. It was clear I only went out with Remy because he reminded me so much of Logan. After Logan left, I had retreated into myself. Remy walked into the picture shortly afterwards and did what nobody else had. He paid attention. In his own way Remy was a safe version of what Logan was. Logan smoked, broke all the rules, came and went as he pleased, and had a motorcycle. Remy did the same things in a more subtle way. I realized that one of my favorite things about Remy was that he always smelled of tobacco just like Logan did on the train when he came to get me. I had used Remy as much as he had used me.
When I stepped back into my room, I was welcomed by the fragrance of exotic flowers. A huge bouquet rested on my night table. Dropping my purse and keys, I kicked off my mules and sat on the edge of my bed. Picking a single pink rose, I held it to my nose and inhaled deeply. I didn't have to read the card to know they were from Remy, some sort of peace offering for last night. Sighing deeply, I fell back into my bed and closed my eyes.
"I was worried."
I jumped at Logan's voice. I sat up quickly and tried to focus my eyes in the dark. He was sitting in the recliner I had in the far corner of my room.
"What is it with yah and sneaking up on meh."
I probably sounded a lot more insecure than I wanted to. But damn, he really had a talent for stalking people.
"I promised to take of you. I was worried."
Squinting in the darkness, I couldn't make out whether or not he was serious.
"Ahre yah kidding meh?" It was hard to hide the bitterness in my voice. "Wheah were yah for those seven months, or for that matter, wheah have yah been for tha last three!"
"I have been right here."
"No yah haven't, You've been anywhere but heah. Yah barely speak ta anyone, yoah always stomping through tha woods or pulverizing ah gym bag downstairs. Yah've been anywheah but heah."
Not wanting to cry again, I leaned back against my headboard and closed my eyes.
"I'm sorry, Kid." Again, the insanely calm voice.
"Ah don't think yahr sorry Logan. Yah have gone outa yah way ta ignore meh."
"It's not what you think."
"So what is it then. Is it Jean, yah now yah hurt her by not showin at tha weddin."
"It isn't Jean."
Not wanting to work myself up any further, I clamped my mouth shut. It wasn't my place to ask these questions anyway. I waited for him to respond and when he did, I barely registered his answer, it was so low.
"It's you Marie."
"What?" I wasn't able to process what he was saying. The fact that I couldn't see his face didn't help either.
"It's you."
My eyes glued to the spot where his face should be, I sat in shocked silence, listening to what he said.
"It took me four weeks to realize their was nothing left of my past in Alkali Lake. I had planned to come back, packed up my stuff and headed south, but every time I tried, something stopped me. I couldn't do it. I tried for weeks, months but I couldn't. I wandered around bar brawling, drinking, anything to keep me from coming back. Eventually I ended up in Laughlin City."
I actually stopped breathing. He must have heard, because he stopped for a minute too.
"There I went to the place we first met. Well, the owner almost put a hole through me, put before he did, I got to sit at the bar. I sat in the same place I did that day, and you know what, Marie? I smelled you."
"I knew that it was impossible, a million people had been through there since then, but I remembered what you smelled like. You were terrified and hungry and lonely. And I felt it again. That night, I dreamed of you, and I came home to New York the next day."
"You see I realized why I had been avoiding having to come back. When I left, Jean told me you had a crush on me. At first I thought what the fuck, I could be ten times older than you. I convinced myself I couldn't possibly care for anyone, especially some kid. But the fact that I did was what kept me away. That bar just brought it all back. Made it all clear."
I swallowed hard, my mind racing at his revelations. I had never heard Logan say so much all at once.
"But when I came back, I lost my nerve again. I saw you had a boyfriend, saw you had a life. I realized you were only nineteen and I was too much of an animal. So I stood away. I knew you still cared for me, I could see it, but I thought you would be better off with someone else, even if he was a dick like the Cajun."
I actually winced when Logan mentioned him, and I think he saw it, because he got off the recliner and kneeled in front of me. I just watched him. I could just imagine the look on my face as he placed his hands on my thighs. His voice wasn't calm anymore, it was pleading.
"I was content to just watch you. But yesterday, I realized that you aren't better off with him. I saw how you swallowed your pride, all because he wanted a cheap fuck somewhere else. He doesn't even like touching you. You deserve better. I could do better, because Marie, I love you."
He said it. Somewhere in the back of my mind, the part that still had Logan in it, I knew that he had probably never uttered those words to anyone. Remy told me he loved me all the time, but to him the words meant nothing. Unable to speak, I placed my hands on Logan's face. He drew me near and I held his head to me chest. I wanted him to hear my heartbeat. Kissing the top of his head, he let out a low growl. Eventually, I muttered what had been on my mind the entire way back to New York.
"Ah love yah too."
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