Sketch in the House
by
Albertina
Well, this really crazy story all started when some fellow Cagers wanted to see the following happen in a story: a) a karaoke scene b) Remy mooning the X-people from a Mardi Gras float c) Logan losing at Strip Poker d) Remy getting arrested for indecent exposure e) Logan and Remy handcuffed to a fountain in their underwear f) a bunch of cheerleaders. It also features the blink if you missed it appearance of Sketch, the mutant sketch artist from Uncanny X-men #383.
So it's a little over the top. . .
You try fitting all that into one story!
Well, they'd left her in Madripoor and she wasn't too happy about it. The X-men. Whatever. She'd saved their butts and look what she got for it. Not a damn thing. She was supposed to be the newest member of the team but someone had interfered. Stupid editors.
The girl known as Sketch sits on the side of the road, idly nibbling on the eraser of her pencil. She never went anywhere without her sketchpad, her trusty pencils, and her heavy-duty erasers. She kept them in a roomy pouch beneath her coat. She patted them. They always made her feel secure because you never knew when you might have to draw yourself out of a bad scrape. She'd been doing it as long as she could remember.
Sketch had always been what is commonly known as a street urchin. She'd seen all sorts of bad behavior in her short, young life, all kinds of seedy, shady types lurking in the shadows of the streets of Madripoor.
When she'd seen the X-men, however, she'd been elated. Here, finally, were some heroes and really good-looking ones at that, who could appreciate her special talents and maybe take her away from this crappy city. She'd heard that they live in a big swanky mansion and stuff. And that one guy with the red eyes and the nice butt was a honey. She was tired of hanging around this city, sketching herself out of trouble.
She pulled out her pad and started to walk. The trip took her several days. She finally found herself in the middle of an enormous rice field. She pulled out her sketchpad, a big pencil and quickly sketched a large aircraft. She smiled to herself and boarded the plane. Drawing the controls hastily, she set the homing device for Westchester County, New York.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, back at the mansion. . .
It had been a relatively quiet month for the X-men. No big cosmic disasters, no battles to save the world, not even a great deal of angst. It had been pretty lame. They were all pretty damn bored. Scott idly messed with the controls in the Danger Room, trying to look busy. Jean was in the bathtub, again. She was always in the bathtub. Hank was puttered around in the lab, trying to tidy up. Logan and Gambit were sitting at the dining room table, bored as hell. Logan kept snikting his claws in and out, checking out his reflection in them. Remy was charging cards up for no reason and idly throwing them out the window and letting them explode like firecrackers. Clearly, the X-men were in need of a diversion.
Knock. Knock.
Gambit sprung to his feet and answered the door. Logan perked up. Behind the door was a vision in Chinese red. Long black hair, scarlet silk dress with Mandarin collar, and sketchpad and pencil in hand. The sight made Remy cock an eyebrow.
"Who's at the door, Gumbo? Ooomph," said Logan, catching an eyeful of Sketch. She'd drawn herself very well indeed. She was all curves and legs and red dragon-lady nails.
"Chere, what can we do for you?" Remy said.
"You could let me in for starters," Sketch said.
Logan shoved Remy out of the way. "Right this way, darlin'," he said, taking her by the elbow. Logan had a thing for lovely, delicate women of the East. This one looked more like the proprietor of a massage parlor but she was close enough. He led her into the living room and offered her a seat.
"Where'd you come from, darlin'?" Logan said.
Remy came flying into the room and leapt over the couch, seating himself on Sketch's other side.
"Chere, haven't we met somewhere before?"
Logan thought Remy was laying a big dumb line on her but he was actually being serious. They have met before.
"Nope," she said, "Never seen you before."
"Oh," Remy said, disappointed.
"What can we do for you, darlin'?" Logan said, scowling at the Cajun.
"Isn't this where hapless mutants come to live?"
"Something like dat, chere, " Remy tried to give her one of his sexy looks from underneath the lanky lock of hair but she was looking at Logan. He grinned at her, a cigar hanging out of the side of his mouth. She looked over at Remy. He grinned at her too, a cigarette hanging out of the side of his mouth. She smiled.
"Who wants to show me around the mansion?"
* * * * *
Sketch had been at the mansion for about a week and had already gotten a good grasp of the personality quirks of each person in residence. They didn't know it but she'd been keeping a running tally of all the things that bugged the hell out of the X-people. She'd been playing the part well. She was sweet as pie around the authoritative veteran members like Jean, Scott, and Ororo, and mysterious and evocative around the horny members like Logan and Remy. Those two had been knocking each other over trying to impress her. It was a grand sight.
One night, she sat on the couch with Logan and Remy, watching Titanic. The others had gone to bed. They were at the part where Rose discovered that Jack is frozen stiff, clinging to the raft thing. Remy was actually quite moved but trying to hide it. Despite himself, Logan was moved too. When the film ends both men sat silently for a moment, emotionally drained. Sketch stretched and yawned.
"Chere, you ready to go to bed?" Remy said. Logan reached behind Sketch and thumped him on the head. Remy scowled.
"Darlin', let me walk you to your room."
"You can both walk me to my room, how about that?" Both men heartily agreed.
"Allow me, chere," Remy opened the bedroom door for Sketch and had one foot through the door before Logan reached out and knocked him into the wall. Remy sidestepped Logan and reached for Sketch's hand, kissing it gallantly.
"Sweet dreams, my pretty petite."
"Good night, darlin'," Logan said, closing the door. He punched Remy in the arm.
"What was dat for?"
"Quit being so forward, Gumbo. This ain't the House of the Rising Sun."
Both men snarled at each other and retreated to their separate rooms. From behind the door, Sketch giggled to herself and reached into the closet to pull out an enormous canvas and several pencils.
* * * * *
In the middle of the night, Remy slipped on some sweatpants. He was going to invite Sketch out for a moonlight stroll. He tiptoed down the hallway. Damn! He had to pass Logan's room along the way. With Logan's supersenses he'd be on to Remy in a heartbeat. Well, he'd just have to risk it. He grabbed the bust of Beethoven that had been moved into the hallway after the Gargoyle incident. It had gotten fractured when Logan had flung it at Ororo's head. He might have to use to defend himself from Logan. Remy inhaled deeply in relief when he made it past Logan's room without getting caught.
Knock. Knock.
"Chere, you in dere?"
"Sure, Remy, come on in."
Remy opened the door and slipped inside. Sketch was wearing a skin-tight one-piece bodysuit, very shiny.
"What you wearing, chere? You lookin' good."
"Huh? Oh, this old thing? I'm only wearing it cuz it's waterproof."
"Waterproof?"
"Yes. Waterproof."
She looked so cute that he decided to let the cryptic comment slide. He was about to offer her his arm when he saw a hand grip the windowsill followed by the other hand.
Logan.
He liked to surprise women by doing romantic stuff like climbing through their windows in the middle of the night.
Remy was across the room in an instant. He stuck his head out the window and peered down at Logan. Logan snarled up at him. Remy grabbed Logan by the shirt. Logan grabbed Remy by the shirt. They both tumbled out of the window and onto the ground. They landed with a big oomph. They tumbled around on the ground, grunting and cursing each other. Logan grabbed a fistful of dirt and smeared it all over Remy. Remy still had the bust of Beethoven in his hand and he started to pummel Logan with it. Sketch, watching from the window, shut the window and returned to her sketchpad.
Outside, Logan and Remy were rolling around in the dirt, cursing each other. Suddenly, Logan started to sniff vigorously. "It smells like water, Gumbo," he said. "A whole lot of water. Like gallons and gallons of water."
"Look at dat," Remy pointed at the ballroom window on the second floor. Water sloshed from it onto the ground. The two men sprang to their feet and ran to the front door, sprinted up the stairs, and opened the door to the ballroom.
"Cripes! What in the flamin' hell is that?"
It's a giant bathtub. Huge. Full of water. It was the size of a football field.
"Logan? Remy? Is that you guys?'
"Jeannie? Are you in there? What the hell is going on?"
"I don't know," Jeannie said, her voice echoing off the sides of the enormous bathtub, "I was enjoying a hot bath and then all of a sudden this happened."
"Just lift yourself out of there darlin'. Me and the Cajun won't look," Logan looked at Remy and winked.
"I don't want to," Jean said.
"Why the hell not?" Logan said.
"Just trust me, Logan. I'm not decent. Neither is Scott."
"Scott in dere too?"
"Oh hell," Logan said, disappointed. The last thing he wanted to see was a naked Cyke. "Just use your teke, darlin', me and the Cajun will close our eyes." After a moment, they heard two thuds and two squish noises.
"All right, boys. You can turn around," Jean said.
Logan and Remy turned around. Jean was lying on the floor. She can't stand up. She can't stand up because the lower half of her body was one great big green fin. Two mauve-colored shells cover her breasts. Her long red hair flowed all around her. Logan and Remy, speechless, turned to Scott. He was an enormous Yellow Duckie. They knew it was Scott because he was still wearing his ruby quartz sunglasses.
Logan and Remy looked at each other. They were speechless for a minute and then they both just blinked at each other, confused. Then they fell onto the floor, clutching themselves and laughing hysterically.
Jean flapped her fin on the floor furiously. "This is not funny," she said. "We need to go find everyone else. God only knows what has happened to them."
"You're right. We need to find the others." Logan grabbed her around the waist and Remy grabbed her big green fin. They lugged her out into the hallway. Scott waddled along behind.
"Who would do such a thing?" Jean said.
"I'm sure it's that little vixen, Sketch," Logan said.
"Quack," said Scott.
They arrived at Ororo's door. There were vines and greenery growing out from under her door, curling up around the sides of the door and over the ceiling. Logan knockd on the door, the human half of Jean tucked under one arm. They heard noises of a struggle. They opened the door hastily. Ororo was standing in the middle of a jungle. Her pet plants had become ravenously overgrown. Ororo herself stood at the back of the room, dressed in a skimpy leather loincloth and matching bikini top, looking like a big Amazonian jungle woman. There were four buff, studly, and shirtless men at her feet, looking up at her adoringly, collars around their necks. Ororo held their leashes in both hands.
"Ororo, darlin', what the hell are you doin?"
"I can not help it, Logan. If I let the leashes go they call me Goddess and start to lick my feet."
"Ew," said Gambit.
Ororo joined her teammates. They made room for the four Chippendale's guys who scuttled along on all fours behind them. They arrived at Charles Xavier's door. They heard the sounds of riotous music and laughter from behind his door. An enormous disco ball hangs from the ceiling. Multi-colored lights lined the floor. There was an enormous brightly lit stage on the far wall. Charles Xavier sat on it, microphone in hand. Seated around the stage was a congregation of strange-looking alien beings. It resembled the Mos Eisley cantina scene from Star Wars. They were pelting Xavier with bits of food and silverware and the like because he was refusing to karaoke. They turned and noticed the other X-men and began to hoot and holler at Jean and Ororo. A couple of them even hollered at Scott and his yellow duckie self. Xavier sat immobile, scowling at the wretched hive of scum and villainy before him. He was dressed in an elaborate Elvis costume, complete with rhinestone studded bell bottoms, the little cape, and sideburns.
Logan looked at Remy.
Remy looked at Logan.
Then they both started laughing hysterically.
Ororo's love slaves got excited by all the laughter and commotion and they started to clamber over her and jump up and down. She kicked at them and they settled down.
"Thank God, someone's here," Xavier said, one arm raised to try and deflect the garbage he was being pelted with. "What the hell is going on?"
"Just come on Chuck. We'll have to figure that out later." Xavier wheeled himself down from the platform and rolled over to the others. He checked out Mermaid Jean, Duckie Scott, and Amazon Ororo. He didn't comment. They quickly ducked out the door. The aliens hooted and hollered some more and threw stuff at the door as it closed behind them.
They continued down the hall. Logan and Gambit were smiling to themselves. Everyone else was scowling and looking grumpy.
"Why do we all look ridiculous and you two just look normal?" Jean complained, testily.
"I don't know, darlin'." Logan said, smiling. They walked into the living room and looked around.
Remy and Logan, tired of lugging Jean and her big green fin around, chucked her onto the couch.
Suddenly, the doors behind them slammed shut and turned into enormous iron vault doors. Outside, the windows bricked themselves up. They were trapped inside the living room.
"Don't worry. I'll blast through 'dis door." Gambit said and he flung some charged-up cards at the door. A big hole formed and he ducked through it. The door immediately reformed and slammed shut again. Gambit was trapped on the other side.
"Well, I guess we'll just have to wait here until Gumbo can get us out," Logan observed.
* * * * *
Remy stared at the space where the hole used to be.
"Hi, Remy," Sketch said, appearing at his side.
"You little minx. Is 'dis all your doin', chere?"
"No," she said, trying to look innocent.
Remy grabbed her and kissed her passionately. She felt her knees turn weak and when he let her go she was unsteady on her feet. Coming to this mansion was a good idea.
"Okay, petite, I have a favor to ask you. You ready for one last party?"
"Sure."
* * * * *
Inside the living room, the others are growing bored and disgruntled. Logan managed to hunt up one of Remy's deck of cards and they'd all decided to play Strip Poker. Playing strip poker with two telepaths wasn't a good idea, he'd discovered. He was losing badly. He was down to his striped boxer shorts.
When he'd taken off his pants, Jean and Ororo had turned about forty different shades of red. Jean was cheating because all she had to shed was the little seashell bra and she wasn't about to part with that. Xavier, as stupid as he felt in the Elvis outfit, didn't have any desire to appear naked in front of his students so he was cheating too. Ororo's love slaves didn't understand the game at all and kept trying to eat the cards. Ororo couldn't play because her hands were full with holding the leashes of her love slaves and periodically giving them a good jerk.
"You lose, Cyke. Looks like you'll have to part with a feather or two," Logan said as he pulled one of Scott's yellow feathers out of his duckie butt.
"Quack," Scott said, outraged, flapping his little yellow wings.
Jean smacked Logan with her big green fin and he toppled over.
Suddenly the brick wall over the big window erased itself. The others threw their cards to the ground and they all went to stand by the window. An enormous Mardi Gras float rolled slowly across the front lawn.
"What in the hell is that?" Jean said, incredulous.
"That's Gumbo's idea of a joke, no doubt." He was miffed that Remy had gotten to Sketch before he had.
Remy stood atop an outrageously decorated Mardi Gras float. It was populated entirely by the alien beings from the karaoke room who, in a frenzy of excitement, were dancing and frolicking outrageously, pelting each other with Mardi Gras candy and sloshing beer over each other. Some sported brightly colored Mexican sombreros and others had feathers sprouting from their heads and war paint on their faces.
Remy was wearing a white cowboy hat, white chaps, a shiny belt buckle, and white cowboy boots. He was also covered head to toe in little twinkly white lights that blinked on and off. He waved at the others and pulled his guns out of his holster and shot them into the air with a big whoopy victory cry.
"Bang. Bang," he said, firecrackers shooting from his guns.
The alien beings began to throw things at him. They didn't like being upstaged.
Remy turned around and bending over, mooned the X-persons who were standing at the window, speechless. His butt is truly a wonder to behold, muscular and firm and round, illuminated by the twinkling lights. Michelangelo couldn't have drawn it better.
"Oh, for Chrissake," Logan said.
"How old is he anyway?" Xavier said, shaking his head.
Jean and Ororo looked at each other and giggled. So that's what it looked like. They'd always kind of wondered. It was hard to see his butt because he'd taken to wearing that dumb duster coat.
Logan walked over to the phone.
"Hello police? This is Logan. Yeah, that Logan. Listen, we've got a crazy guy over here mooning people from a Mardi Gras float. No, I'm not kidding. No, we don't know who the hell he is, never seen him before. Just send someone over right away, okay?"
He hung up the phone and lit a cigar. He smiled to himself. He was going to have Sketch all to himself tonight.
Later. . .
"What the hell are they doing up there?" Jean said, testily. "I thought he was supposed to be convincing her to draw us back to normal. I'm beginning to feel scaly."
Ororo wandered over and threw a bucket of water onto Jean. Scott fanned her with his little wings. It was all he could do.
"Why is it that Logan and Remy emerged unscathed?" Xavier asked, peevishly. "They've been bugging her for weeks. We haven't done anything to her, after all."
"That's what I'd like to know," Jean said.
* * * * *
Logan and Sketch strolled down the street. Xavier had insisted that Logan go and bail Remy out of jail after he'd convinced Skech to return the others to normal but he'd decided that could wait. Bailing out Remy provided a fine opportunity to go for a walk. He was taking his time, of course. He was in no hurry.
"Shouldn't I be drawing the others back to normal?" Sketch said, feeling slightly guilty about her little joke.
"Huh? Nah, they'll be all right."
Soon they stood in front of the local jail. There was a congregation of obviously inebriated cheerleaders standing around the front door in cheerleader pyramid formation, waving their pom-poms and chanting drunkenly.
"What the hell?" Logan said. He walked up to them and began to shove them out of the way. "Move it, bird brains, comin' through."
A couple of the drunk cheerleaders toppled over and the rest fell like dominoes amidst of flurry of pom-poms, their little skirts flying over their heads. Behind the cheerleaders, on the front steps, sat Remy LeBeau, very pleased with himself.
"Ah, Logan, you messed up their routine. They were doing a little dance for Gambit."
"I'm crying. How did you get out of jail?"
"Jail's full of football players. No room for Gambit. Dey all got arrested at the football game for being drunk and the cheerleaders came by to cheer them up, didn't ya girls?"
The girls started to cheer. They had that glazed look that women wear when Remy exercised his irresistible charm power. A couple of them waved their pom-poms from their position on the ground and giggled and hiccuped.
"Let's go, Gumbo," Logan said, looking around for Sketch. "Sketch, darlin, where'd you go?" He looked around for her but she was nowhere to be found. "Well, damn, where did that little minx go?"
Logan walked over to Gambit and pulled him to his feet.
"Let's go find her. There's no telling what she's up to."
Gambit walked with Logan back through the park. The cheerleaders stirred themselves and followed the two men like dogs.
"Why don't you release those girls, dumb-ass? You're gonna start a cat fight," Logan said, looking behind him and scowling at the parade of cheerleaders following Gambit around like a tail.
"I got no control over dat," Gambit said, unconvincingly.
"Yeah right."
They reached the middle of the park and saw an enormous fountain, the kind with the pool of water around and those stupid looking cupids spurting water out of their mouths.
"Ever noticed that fountain before?" Logan said.
"Nope."
As they approached they saw Sketch reclining amid the pool of water, clad in the skin-tight bodysuit. She got up and stretched like a cat, her hair falling around her like a siren.
"Hi boys. Care for a little midnight swim?"
Logan and Gambit looked at each other and then both men jumped into the fountain. Logan tripped Gambit with his foot as they leapt over the little ledge and Gambit went sprawling face-first into the water. Logan reached Sketch first and picked her up and spun her around, planting a big one on her. Gambit leapt to his feet and started to splash them both. Soon the cheerleaders joined in and everyone began splashing and ducking everyone else amidst a great commotion of flailing arms and legs and pom-poms.
Logan, hampered by his wet clothing, stripped down to his striped boxer shorts. Soon Gambit had irretrievably lost his white cowboy outfit and is down to his boxers too.
"Hey, where's Sketch gone off to?" Logan said, looking around for her whilst splashing a particularly feisty cheerleader. "She disappeared again, dammit."
"Why did you let her get away?"
"Hey boys, look over here."
It was Sketch. She was standing in front of the fountain with a camera in her hands. "Everyone smile."
Logan and Gambit paused and put their arms around the nearest cheerleaders, grinning big cheesy smiles.
Flash. Flash.
"Been nice knowing you, boys," she said, waving at them. "I'll keep this with me forever." She lifted a tiny sketch pad and scribbled something quickly.
Suddenly, Logan and Gambit found themselves handcuffed to the stupid-looking cupid.
"What in the flamin' hell?"
Gambit couldn't speak because the little cupid's stream of water was pouring directly onto his head.
"This is all your fault, Gumbo." Logan said, trying to reach around the cupid so that he could pummel Remy.
* * * * *
"I don't believe it. How did she get them into a fountain?" Scott said, now that he could speak again.
Logan was dead asleep, his head propped next to the cupid's stomach. Remy was asleep too, a pom-pom cushioning his head. At some point in the night, Remy's head had fallen over onto Logan's shoulder. Logan snored loudly.
"Men are so easy," Jean mused.
Xavier, standing next to them, just shook his head.
Scott, noticing the instant Polaroid on the ground, picked it up.
"Jean, you're not gonna believe this."
Jean wandered over and looked at the picture. She took it from Scott's hands and pocketed it. Scott looked puzzled.
She wasn't about to part with a picture of both men in their underwear, asleep in a fountain. This was prime blackmail material.
She couldn't wait to get home and show it to Ororo.
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